My youngest son, Noah, and I just got back from a spring break adventure in which we traveled by train from Chicago to Washington, DC, to Orlando. Then we flew back to Chicago and drove home. The primary purpose of the trip was to visit family in Orlando, but since we had to go through Washington we decided to spend a little extra time there. The train experience was less than blissful. It was fun during the awake times, but miserable for sleeping. I am sure that if we had had a sleeper car it would have been grand, but they are very pricey. We're tough...we can take it. (At least that's what I thought.)
In DC we had spent the whole day sightseeing which translated into a lot of walking and a lot of standing. We were wiped as we boarded the train. As we were directed to our car the conductor asked how many and I told him two. He said that he was out of seats together, but he would give Noah and me two aisle seats across from each other. It's a bummer not to be seated together any time, but especially for an 18 hour train ride in which we were sharing snacks, cards, etc. No problem. I was seated next to an older guy who looked to be in his late 70s or early 80s. Actually, he was in MY aisle seat. I politely told him I was traveling with my son and asked if he would mind swapping to other aisle seat so that my son and I could sit together. In his heavy New York accent he proceeded to tell me no, that he wouldn't swap seats. At this point, I was incredulous. He continued on and told me that he had recently had hip surgery and he needed to sit in THIS particular aisle seat so he could stretch out his leg. I changed my tactic and informed, again politely, that actually the aisle seat was my seat. (Also, I knew that they had seats for people with disabilities and medical problems that would be better suited to him). He insisted that he was in the right seat. I looked back at Noah and shrugged, squeezed past the old guy, and sat in the seat by the window. Not gonna lie...I was ticked. I crossed my arms, set my jaw, turned my back to him, and stared out the window while seething. He kept talking. "I'm sorry ma'am, I've just had this hip surgery. Here, I'll show you" (and proceeded to hand me some doctor's business card as proof). I curtly told him, "That's fine. I believe you." I did, in fact believe him. I was just miffed that I didn't get my way. Basically, I was acting like a petulant two-year-old.
One would think I would have been compassionate in this scenario. After all, I work with people with disabilities. I have also had back surgery and know how rough prolonged recovery from major orthopedic surgery is...and I was half his age. That all didn't matter though because I was tired from the day and I didn't get my way. So I did what any other self-respecting woman would do. I sulked and pouted. I leaned back and closed my eyes, more to ignore him than to sleep. A guy came by passing out pillows. The gentleman next to me gently tapped me and asked if I wanted to pillow. I mumbled out a "no" and turned my back to him again. I'll refuse a pillow and my own comfort--that'll show him! What an idiot I was!
The conductor passed through the train and punched everyone's tickets. When he realized that Noah and I weren't together, he asked the old guy to swap seats. The man launched into his hip surgery story again. Then the conductor asked the pregnant woman next to Noah if she would move. She did. (I didn't ask her because I felt too defeated after being shot down by a "gentleman."). We swapped seats and I got situated in the window seat next to Noah, still feeling rather grumpy. I decided I needed to let it go and doggone-it if I didn't hear that small, still voice that can only be the Holy Spirit. (How do I know? It came out of nowhere and interrupted my personal agenda.) So what did the Spirit say to me (through the twinge of conscious, not an audible voice)? He told me to get out of my seat, go apologize to that man, and listen to his stories.
The irony of this is that I love a good story. I blogged about it at length on my other blog. I'm usually all about chatting up people in airplanes and the like. However, I didn't want to apologize to this man. That would mean admitting that I was wrong...to a stranger. I argued about it for a few minutes with Jesus. We had a heated debate in my head. He won, of course. In the meantime, this guy was talking and talking to the pregnant woman that he been moved next to him. He was telling her about his wife, where he was from, etc. He was talking and talking...just like I knew in my gut. He was lonely and needed someone to listen to him. Maybe even hear his surgery war story. As I was just summoning my courage to get up, apologize, and eat some crow, the conductor came back and moved him to a better seat with more leg room. My opportunity was blown. This time, I was remorseful that I didn't get to make amends and that I acted like a spoiled brat. Missed moments like this make me so thankful for grace...and forgiveness...and love.
So, Mr. Hip Surgery Guy on Amtrak from Washington to Orlando on Sunday, March 18, I'm sorry. I was a jerk. I'm sure you are a lovely person. I regret not treating you with more compassion and I would love to buy you a cup of coffee and listen to your stories. Please forgive me.
Signed,
A Work in Progress
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Your Husband Does What?
It's often a conversation killer. I'm at some social gathering of acquaintances or thrust into a social milieu of some sort in which I know few people, if any. We are making small talk. It's the usual: What do you do?, Do you have children? How old are they? Where are you from? Are you married? What does you spouse do?
When I utter the words, "My husband is a pastor," there is a moment of silence, then a quick "oh really?" as a comment. Often I see the person scanning back through everything he or she said. I know what they are doing. They are trying to determine if they said something offensive, told an off-color joke, or uttered some sort of profanity. It happens about eight times out of ten, that someone begins to apologize to me for something that he/she said before it was known that my husband is a pastor. As if it should really make a difference. When the apologies start, my standard line is usually, "You know, I'm not the Holy Spirit."
While I am not a particular fan of vulgar jokes ( I sure was in 8th grade though!) or profanity, what I really hate is when people change who they are because of who I am married to. I am still the same person I was before you found out I was married to a pastor. I know it's shocking! After all, I am not wearing a jumper, I do wear make-up, and I am an educated, professional woman. I just blew your stereotype. And for the record, this pastor guy, with whom I share a house, a life, and a bed, is a pretty darn non-stereotypical human himself. He runs marathons, loves zombie movies, and one of his favorite songs of all times is Roxanne by The Police--about a prostitute. We're regular folk. He and I still have disagreements, we both get in bad moods, we have forgotten to pay a bill or two on time. He leaves the toilet seat up and I leave my shoes lying around. We think ill of others sometimes and simply find some people annoying and disagreeable. So don't feel like you have to be perfect around us, because the Lord knows (really) that we certainly aren't. I would much rather have someone be genuine around me than to pretend to be someone they are not because they think it makes them look better. I'm not an idiot--I can usually see right through the veneer of perfection and pseudo-piety.
This past summer, I was with a group of fellow professors and we were all at the "still getting to know each other stage" when the inevitable came up. One thing I love about professors is that they generally don't bat an eye at such things and everyone just carried on as usual. That's beautiful. There was one though who said, "I'll bet you really know how to cook," to which I replied, "I like to think that I do, but I certainly don't know what that has to do with me being married to a pastor. I cook because I enjoy it and I do it for my family."
I just found out a couple of weeks ago that there were concerns about me starting my job at the university where I work. Many of our offices are in pods. We all have our own individual offices, but they may open into a separate outer office, hence the pod. So my "podmate" told me that he just found out that two of our other colleagues were worried about us sharing a pod. They were concerned that he would be too crass for me. We both had a good laugh about that because we make great podmates. We actually have very similar theoretical views on a lot of professional and academic issues and have presented together a few times at our national convention because of it. We talk shop frequently throughout the day and also discuss many, many non-work related issues as well. Ironically, he and my husband have developed a friendship because of their mutual interest in zombies, music, and fixing up cars. Yeah, he drops a few four-letter words here and there, but it doesn't really phase me and I am thankful that he doesn't edit himself to be something he's not.
Conversely, when I was working on my doctorate, one of my professors called me in to go over a paper I had written. After we talked about my paper, he started asking me why I was going to school part-time instead of full-time. I explained that I carried the health insurance for my family, so I needed to keep working my part-time job. He started going on and on about how my husband needed to "be a man" and work extra hard so that I could attend school full-time. He was ranting on and on and then took a breath to pause and ask what my husband did. When I told him that Robert was a youth minister (at that time), he flushed and stammered and began to say things like, "Oh, that is such a noble profession. He is doing such fine work. I totally understand why you are going to school part-time and it sounds like that is a good idea...." ad nauseum. He was backpedaling so hard it was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.
Moral of the story? It doesn't really matter what my husband's job is. You wouldn't act differently is he was a physician or plumber or librarian or chef, so don't act differently because he's a pastor. You are still you and I am still me. We need to be authentic with one another to form real relationships. And I'm not judging, nor do I have a super-special relationship with God that's different than what you or anyone else can have, if you choose to do so. Let's just be real...together.
When I utter the words, "My husband is a pastor," there is a moment of silence, then a quick "oh really?" as a comment. Often I see the person scanning back through everything he or she said. I know what they are doing. They are trying to determine if they said something offensive, told an off-color joke, or uttered some sort of profanity. It happens about eight times out of ten, that someone begins to apologize to me for something that he/she said before it was known that my husband is a pastor. As if it should really make a difference. When the apologies start, my standard line is usually, "You know, I'm not the Holy Spirit."
While I am not a particular fan of vulgar jokes ( I sure was in 8th grade though!) or profanity, what I really hate is when people change who they are because of who I am married to. I am still the same person I was before you found out I was married to a pastor. I know it's shocking! After all, I am not wearing a jumper, I do wear make-up, and I am an educated, professional woman. I just blew your stereotype. And for the record, this pastor guy, with whom I share a house, a life, and a bed, is a pretty darn non-stereotypical human himself. He runs marathons, loves zombie movies, and one of his favorite songs of all times is Roxanne by The Police--about a prostitute. We're regular folk. He and I still have disagreements, we both get in bad moods, we have forgotten to pay a bill or two on time. He leaves the toilet seat up and I leave my shoes lying around. We think ill of others sometimes and simply find some people annoying and disagreeable. So don't feel like you have to be perfect around us, because the Lord knows (really) that we certainly aren't. I would much rather have someone be genuine around me than to pretend to be someone they are not because they think it makes them look better. I'm not an idiot--I can usually see right through the veneer of perfection and pseudo-piety.
This past summer, I was with a group of fellow professors and we were all at the "still getting to know each other stage" when the inevitable came up. One thing I love about professors is that they generally don't bat an eye at such things and everyone just carried on as usual. That's beautiful. There was one though who said, "I'll bet you really know how to cook," to which I replied, "I like to think that I do, but I certainly don't know what that has to do with me being married to a pastor. I cook because I enjoy it and I do it for my family."
I just found out a couple of weeks ago that there were concerns about me starting my job at the university where I work. Many of our offices are in pods. We all have our own individual offices, but they may open into a separate outer office, hence the pod. So my "podmate" told me that he just found out that two of our other colleagues were worried about us sharing a pod. They were concerned that he would be too crass for me. We both had a good laugh about that because we make great podmates. We actually have very similar theoretical views on a lot of professional and academic issues and have presented together a few times at our national convention because of it. We talk shop frequently throughout the day and also discuss many, many non-work related issues as well. Ironically, he and my husband have developed a friendship because of their mutual interest in zombies, music, and fixing up cars. Yeah, he drops a few four-letter words here and there, but it doesn't really phase me and I am thankful that he doesn't edit himself to be something he's not.
Conversely, when I was working on my doctorate, one of my professors called me in to go over a paper I had written. After we talked about my paper, he started asking me why I was going to school part-time instead of full-time. I explained that I carried the health insurance for my family, so I needed to keep working my part-time job. He started going on and on about how my husband needed to "be a man" and work extra hard so that I could attend school full-time. He was ranting on and on and then took a breath to pause and ask what my husband did. When I told him that Robert was a youth minister (at that time), he flushed and stammered and began to say things like, "Oh, that is such a noble profession. He is doing such fine work. I totally understand why you are going to school part-time and it sounds like that is a good idea...." ad nauseum. He was backpedaling so hard it was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.
Moral of the story? It doesn't really matter what my husband's job is. You wouldn't act differently is he was a physician or plumber or librarian or chef, so don't act differently because he's a pastor. You are still you and I am still me. We need to be authentic with one another to form real relationships. And I'm not judging, nor do I have a super-special relationship with God that's different than what you or anyone else can have, if you choose to do so. Let's just be real...together.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Outlier
One of my PW friends posted a link to this blog post on Facebook the other day, titled "It's Not You...It's Ministry" by Rochelle Palmer, another pastor's wife. I read it and then thought that is didn't describe me or my experiences as a pastor's wife AT ALL. So, do I think this woman was not telling the truth? No. Do I think that her experiences are uncommon? No. From friendships and acquaintances (acquaintanceships?) with PWs all over the world, I think that what she wrote represents the norm.
So what does that mean for me?
I'm an outlier.
While there are a few different definitions for "outlier," I am going with the statistical one, which is: a statistical observation that is markedly different in value from the others of the sample.
Here's what I want to "talk" about. In her blog post, Rochelle wrote about speaking at a "Leading and Loving It" conference for pastors' wives. She shared and 139 stated this:
1, My husband is held responsible for things over which he has no control. . . My husband takes criticism for his sermons and it gets personal.
Have these happened? Absolutely! He has been held responsible for things that weren't in his job description, that he didn't know about, and that someone else was supposed to be doing. Why doesn't this get my hackles raised? Because it happens to every person in the world. I am a professor and I took a group of students to Brazil for a study abroad program two years ago. On the course evaluation form two students gave me negative marks for the weather. Being blamed or held responsible for things outside of a personal realm of control are a fact of life for being humans and living on earth. Just deal with it.
As for getting criticized. Oh, that happens too. We had a family pull out of being a host home at the 11th hour because the title and theme of the DiscipleNOW was "Jesus is for Losers." (He is!). They didn't like it. He got an anonymous irate letter because he used the word "fart" in front of teenagers. Some people delight in being petty. Some people have legitimate concerns and it opens the door for discussion of bigger, underlying issues. When you have a large group of people there are diverse opinions, ideologies, backgrounds, etc. so it is a simple fact of life that not everyone is going to agree 100% of the time. Reframe it as an opportunity for growth and personal reflection. I also have learned this truth...When my husband has been criticized, I usually take it much more personally than he does. Therefore, it's really my issue to deal with.
2. Someone in our church is gossiping about my children…People criticize every parenting decision I make…I am expected to listen to everyone else’s stories about their kids, but no one asks about mine.
To my knowledge, this has never happened. Now if people have gossiped, it was totally behind my back and I was oblivious. That news never made it back to me. While certainly not perfect, my children have been pretty well behaved and we have, as of this writing, not had to deal with any kinds of crisis issues. However, they are not grown yet 15 and 17 years old), so that realm of possibility remains. However, people have always asked about my two boys, commented on them, told me funny stories about things that they said or did in Sunday school, VBS, nursery, etc. If anything, esp. when they were very young, I felt like they were doted upon, given special gifts, had offers of free babysitting, etc. No one has ever conveyed unrealistic expectation upon me as a mother or my children's behavior. I have always felt supported and nurtured in parenting at every church we have served.
3. People in my church are interested in what I can do for them, but no one is interested in me.
Again, nope. Since I have made an effort in general to get to know people and know about them, the favor is generally returned. I really don't know what else to say about this one other than being involved with others usually returns full circle in my experience. If it doesn't, at some point then I think you have to tell the other party that your needs aren't being met/reciprocated if you truly want to develop a relationship with them.
4. My husband seems to have increasing responsibilities but not an increasing salary.
Yes, but this is the case for almost everyone else in the world (os at least the US) too. Again, in my job, my responsibilities (course load, research expectations, committee work, etc.) has increased and with statewide budget cuts, my salary has decreased by 10 %. That's life and it doesn't just happen to pastors.
5. Sometimes I resent the church because my husband misses social and family gatherings because he has to tend to a family in our church.
If that's the case, then I think the husband has his priorities screwed up. This isn't the fault of vocational ministry. This is a problem with the pastor's thinking, Messiah-complex, workaholism, or something similar. My husband has always been clear that OUR family comes first. All of the churches at which we have served have been strong advocates of that as well. If a pastor's family is not a well loved and cared for priority, then there is no way he can be an effective minister.
With that said, has ministry ever caused my husband to miss family and social gatherings? Yes, but very rarely and only in special circumstances. I remember once when he was a youth pastor in Louisiana we were with our families in Alabama for Thanksgiving. He got a call on Thanksgiving Day that a young woman (not a church member, although her MIL and FIL were) had been killed in a car wreck. Robert had baptized her, married her and her husband, and done some counseling with them. He was the clear choice for the funeral and he was needed to help this 20-something year old father deal with overwhelming grief at suddenly becoming a widower and single father in the blink of an eye. We got in the car and headed back to Louisiana two days earlier than we had planned, missing time with our families. However, that is a rare crisis example and I was in full support of going back. A smaller issue would not have shortened our holiday stay.
6. There is a woman at our church who dresses provocatively and flirts with my husband (That’s right, ladies, we see you.)
Oh, yes! This has happened. Usually my husband has been clueless until I tell him and then he'll suddenly realize. Fortunately there has been the provocative dress as much as the flirting. However, when I alert my husband that my female radar has gone off, he is very respectful of that and works on distancing himself from the woman in question or directing her to other people. He has always been good about not being alone with other women, always leaving his office door cracked or having a window open when he is counseling women, etc. This has been more challenging as a church planter because he doesn't have an office and I can't always be there to be the third party, so he does all of his meeting in public at the same place.
7. Sometimes I listen to my husband preach and I resent that he sounds so holy when I know his sin-side.
This has never happened to me. It happened with a senior pastor we served under and I knew that he was a liar and involved in pornography. I had bile rise into my throat when he preached and it was a supreme act of will to sit in a pew every Sunday and listen to him preach when I knew what was going on. However, while I know my husband's "sin-side" better than anyone, I know how he really is in his heart. Of course he sins, like everyone else. And he tracks snow and salt on the carpet because he didn't take off his boots, leaves popcorn bowls around, and is slow to put away his clean laundry. (For the sake of full disclosure, I am a bigger offender on being slow to put dishes in the dishwasher, keep my sewing stuff and projects strewn about the house, and am a reticent duster.) But, he is a servant. He picks up the slack. He is an encourager. He is giving. He ministers to our sons and me all day, every day. He is the most compassionate, giving, and servant-minded person I know. He is always putting himself second and others first. That's what I know when he stands up to preach. Dirty socks kind of pale in comparison to that. And...I know that I'm no saint either. In fact, I'm the one who wrestles more with selfishness, judgment, and my big mouth.
8. I have trouble finding friends…Sometimes I wish we were not in ministry…I am so lonely…I feel like I am doing life alone.
I have posted previously on PW friendships here and here. For the most part, I think that PWs who have trouble finding friends are either: (1) not being friendly themselves, (2) not putting themselves "out there" and being vulnerable enough to develop a friendship, or (3) they have bought the lie that PWs shouldn't have friends in the church or can't ever have "real" friends because they can't fully open themselves up or no one else will ever understand the true experience of being a PW. I think it is not only possible, but a good thing to have friends in the church community. I also think it is a great thing to get into the community and have friendships there. Even during my SAHM years, I volunteered teaching ESL to Spanish speakers, volunteered in my oldest son's classroom, and took some courses (sewing, cake decorating) in the community. It takes effort, persistence, and putting yourself out there to develop friends. I would posit to a PW who feels like she is "doing life alone" that she bears at least50% of that responsibility. With that said, sometimes it take a long time to develop true friends...even years. We lived in Missouri for 3 years before I felt I had true, soulmate kinds of friends. It is more difficult to make friends in a smaller town where everyone has grown up together, known each other since kindergarten, and knows each other's life histories. However, it is possible with patience, prayer, and lots of metaphorical door knocking. (And sometimes other transplants to the area will make the best friends).
This post is already long, but this explains my outlier status. I also feel like an outlier because we have never been fired from a ministry position and 97.2% of all of our ministry experiences have been positive. We have left on good terms, with parties, gifts, and tears. We have kept in touch with friends from every part of ministry. When I hear about PWs who have had some terrible times in ministry, sometimes I feel guilty that we have had such good experiences, but then I remember that guilt is from the enemy. So instead, I am thankful that I am an outlier. I don't know why it has happened that way, but I am blessed.
So what does that mean for me?
I'm an outlier.
While there are a few different definitions for "outlier," I am going with the statistical one, which is: a statistical observation that is markedly different in value from the others of the sample.
Here's what I want to "talk" about. In her blog post, Rochelle wrote about speaking at a "Leading and Loving It" conference for pastors' wives. She shared and 139 stated this:
“My husband is held responsible for things over which he has no control. . . My husband takes criticism for his sermons and it gets personal…Someone in our church is gossiping about my children…People criticize every parenting decision I make…I am expected to listen to everyone else’s stories about their kids, but no one asks about mine…People in my church are interested in what I can do for them, but no one is interested in me…My husband seems to have increasing responsibilities but not an increasing salary…Sometimes I resent the church because my husband misses social and family gahterings (sic)because he has to tend to a family in our church…There is a woman at our church who dresses provocatively and flirts with my husband (That’s right, ladies, we see you.)…Sometimes I listen to my husband preach and I resent that he sounds so holy when I know his sin-side…I have trouble finding friends…Sometimes I wish we were not in ministry…I am so lonely…I feel like I am doing life alone.”Now I'm sure that none of the PWs said ALL of that is true for them, but at least some or most of those statements. I'm going to deconstruct them one by one for me personally.
1, My husband is held responsible for things over which he has no control. . . My husband takes criticism for his sermons and it gets personal.
Have these happened? Absolutely! He has been held responsible for things that weren't in his job description, that he didn't know about, and that someone else was supposed to be doing. Why doesn't this get my hackles raised? Because it happens to every person in the world. I am a professor and I took a group of students to Brazil for a study abroad program two years ago. On the course evaluation form two students gave me negative marks for the weather. Being blamed or held responsible for things outside of a personal realm of control are a fact of life for being humans and living on earth. Just deal with it.
As for getting criticized. Oh, that happens too. We had a family pull out of being a host home at the 11th hour because the title and theme of the DiscipleNOW was "Jesus is for Losers." (He is!). They didn't like it. He got an anonymous irate letter because he used the word "fart" in front of teenagers. Some people delight in being petty. Some people have legitimate concerns and it opens the door for discussion of bigger, underlying issues. When you have a large group of people there are diverse opinions, ideologies, backgrounds, etc. so it is a simple fact of life that not everyone is going to agree 100% of the time. Reframe it as an opportunity for growth and personal reflection. I also have learned this truth...When my husband has been criticized, I usually take it much more personally than he does. Therefore, it's really my issue to deal with.
2. Someone in our church is gossiping about my children…People criticize every parenting decision I make…I am expected to listen to everyone else’s stories about their kids, but no one asks about mine.
To my knowledge, this has never happened. Now if people have gossiped, it was totally behind my back and I was oblivious. That news never made it back to me. While certainly not perfect, my children have been pretty well behaved and we have, as of this writing, not had to deal with any kinds of crisis issues. However, they are not grown yet 15 and 17 years old), so that realm of possibility remains. However, people have always asked about my two boys, commented on them, told me funny stories about things that they said or did in Sunday school, VBS, nursery, etc. If anything, esp. when they were very young, I felt like they were doted upon, given special gifts, had offers of free babysitting, etc. No one has ever conveyed unrealistic expectation upon me as a mother or my children's behavior. I have always felt supported and nurtured in parenting at every church we have served.
3. People in my church are interested in what I can do for them, but no one is interested in me.
Again, nope. Since I have made an effort in general to get to know people and know about them, the favor is generally returned. I really don't know what else to say about this one other than being involved with others usually returns full circle in my experience. If it doesn't, at some point then I think you have to tell the other party that your needs aren't being met/reciprocated if you truly want to develop a relationship with them.
4. My husband seems to have increasing responsibilities but not an increasing salary.
Yes, but this is the case for almost everyone else in the world (os at least the US) too. Again, in my job, my responsibilities (course load, research expectations, committee work, etc.) has increased and with statewide budget cuts, my salary has decreased by 10 %. That's life and it doesn't just happen to pastors.
5. Sometimes I resent the church because my husband misses social and family gatherings because he has to tend to a family in our church.
If that's the case, then I think the husband has his priorities screwed up. This isn't the fault of vocational ministry. This is a problem with the pastor's thinking, Messiah-complex, workaholism, or something similar. My husband has always been clear that OUR family comes first. All of the churches at which we have served have been strong advocates of that as well. If a pastor's family is not a well loved and cared for priority, then there is no way he can be an effective minister.
With that said, has ministry ever caused my husband to miss family and social gatherings? Yes, but very rarely and only in special circumstances. I remember once when he was a youth pastor in Louisiana we were with our families in Alabama for Thanksgiving. He got a call on Thanksgiving Day that a young woman (not a church member, although her MIL and FIL were) had been killed in a car wreck. Robert had baptized her, married her and her husband, and done some counseling with them. He was the clear choice for the funeral and he was needed to help this 20-something year old father deal with overwhelming grief at suddenly becoming a widower and single father in the blink of an eye. We got in the car and headed back to Louisiana two days earlier than we had planned, missing time with our families. However, that is a rare crisis example and I was in full support of going back. A smaller issue would not have shortened our holiday stay.
6. There is a woman at our church who dresses provocatively and flirts with my husband (That’s right, ladies, we see you.)
Oh, yes! This has happened. Usually my husband has been clueless until I tell him and then he'll suddenly realize. Fortunately there has been the provocative dress as much as the flirting. However, when I alert my husband that my female radar has gone off, he is very respectful of that and works on distancing himself from the woman in question or directing her to other people. He has always been good about not being alone with other women, always leaving his office door cracked or having a window open when he is counseling women, etc. This has been more challenging as a church planter because he doesn't have an office and I can't always be there to be the third party, so he does all of his meeting in public at the same place.
7. Sometimes I listen to my husband preach and I resent that he sounds so holy when I know his sin-side.
This has never happened to me. It happened with a senior pastor we served under and I knew that he was a liar and involved in pornography. I had bile rise into my throat when he preached and it was a supreme act of will to sit in a pew every Sunday and listen to him preach when I knew what was going on. However, while I know my husband's "sin-side" better than anyone, I know how he really is in his heart. Of course he sins, like everyone else. And he tracks snow and salt on the carpet because he didn't take off his boots, leaves popcorn bowls around, and is slow to put away his clean laundry. (For the sake of full disclosure, I am a bigger offender on being slow to put dishes in the dishwasher, keep my sewing stuff and projects strewn about the house, and am a reticent duster.) But, he is a servant. He picks up the slack. He is an encourager. He is giving. He ministers to our sons and me all day, every day. He is the most compassionate, giving, and servant-minded person I know. He is always putting himself second and others first. That's what I know when he stands up to preach. Dirty socks kind of pale in comparison to that. And...I know that I'm no saint either. In fact, I'm the one who wrestles more with selfishness, judgment, and my big mouth.
8. I have trouble finding friends…Sometimes I wish we were not in ministry…I am so lonely…I feel like I am doing life alone.
I have posted previously on PW friendships here and here. For the most part, I think that PWs who have trouble finding friends are either: (1) not being friendly themselves, (2) not putting themselves "out there" and being vulnerable enough to develop a friendship, or (3) they have bought the lie that PWs shouldn't have friends in the church or can't ever have "real" friends because they can't fully open themselves up or no one else will ever understand the true experience of being a PW. I think it is not only possible, but a good thing to have friends in the church community. I also think it is a great thing to get into the community and have friendships there. Even during my SAHM years, I volunteered teaching ESL to Spanish speakers, volunteered in my oldest son's classroom, and took some courses (sewing, cake decorating) in the community. It takes effort, persistence, and putting yourself out there to develop friends. I would posit to a PW who feels like she is "doing life alone" that she bears at least50% of that responsibility. With that said, sometimes it take a long time to develop true friends...even years. We lived in Missouri for 3 years before I felt I had true, soulmate kinds of friends. It is more difficult to make friends in a smaller town where everyone has grown up together, known each other since kindergarten, and knows each other's life histories. However, it is possible with patience, prayer, and lots of metaphorical door knocking. (And sometimes other transplants to the area will make the best friends).
This post is already long, but this explains my outlier status. I also feel like an outlier because we have never been fired from a ministry position and 97.2% of all of our ministry experiences have been positive. We have left on good terms, with parties, gifts, and tears. We have kept in touch with friends from every part of ministry. When I hear about PWs who have had some terrible times in ministry, sometimes I feel guilty that we have had such good experiences, but then I remember that guilt is from the enemy. So instead, I am thankful that I am an outlier. I don't know why it has happened that way, but I am blessed.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Same Kind of Same as Me?
The title is a play on words from the recent popular book, Same Kind of Different as Me. I must note that I haven't yet read the book, although the audiobook is currently sitting on the bench to my vanity in the bedroom. It's "on the list." At any rate, several people I know and respect have read the book and really liked it. It's the true story of a friendship between an upscale international art dealer and a former sharecropper, now homeless. They meet while the former is serving a meal to the latter in a soup kitchen. Sounds intriguing, no?
Today on Facebook one of my friends posted a link to a transcript from the show "Being" on public radio. This episode of the show was devoted to the topic of "restoring political civility." The interviewee, Richard Mouw, is the president of Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. His premise on this show is that we need to get to know people who are different from us, spend time with them, and not lump them in the category of...well, "them." They are not them...they are us.
I recommend reading the whole transcript, but here are some key pearls in my opinion
And then Mouw goes on to say...
I do think that Jesus is a model of civility, of convicted civility. I mean, you know, the murmuring against him that we read about in the Gospel accounts is that this is a person who associates with harlots and with corrupt tax collectors and, you know, other "sinners" in the culture. And yet it's very clear that Jesus did not approve of prostitution or of compliance with the economic practices of the Roman Empire, you know. So it is a clear case where Jesus reached out to people, but in none of that was he sacrificing convictions about what is right, what is good, what is true. And some of his harshest judgments were for people who were very condemnatory toward other people and not aware of their own sin, not aware of their own shortcomings, you know.
The discussion goes on to talk about how we need to know people to understand them and to personalize them. That is so true!! And I fear that as Mouw suggested, evangelical Christians either want to overtake the world and be in total control (i.e., the religious right and that agenda) or pull away and hide in holy huddles (e.g., family life centers, Christian-only homeschool co-ops, Christian schools, Christian fiction) and either refuse or be too fearful of people who think and act differently than we do.
This article got me thinking about how important it is that we have friends and/or spend time with those who are different from us. I think that not only having non-Christian friends, but friends who have different political ideologies, sexual orientations, belief systems, ethnic backgrounds, etc. is a particular pitfall for families in vocational ministry. Often times life revolves around church, especially if the wife doesn't work out of the home. If she has small children she may be involved in MOPS (a Christian organization), attend a Bible study, etc. for an outlet, but this still keeps one to the close Christian inner circle. I was a SAHM for many years as a a pastor's wife when my children were young and I did MOPS, Beth Moore Bible studies, women's ministry, VBS, etc. It would have been easy to stay in those familiar circles, but I didn't. I also volunteered at my son's public school and I taught ESL at the neighborhood literacy center. I learned that "those Mexicans" that church people talked disdainfully about were actually from El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala and weren't Mexican at all; just Spanish speaking. I learned that many had been raped at gunpoint in their home countries and came to the U.S. seeking refuge. They worked twelve hours a day doing manual labor for pennies and then sent most of it home to provide a better life for the children they left at home. So when people start talking about sending all of the illegals home and "if you're in our country, speak our language," even now I see the faces of Zoila and Noe who came twice a week to learn English after a 12 hour workday and with the academic skills of a 6th grader. I see them playfully pushing each other in line when I took them to get ice cream and said it was my treat, but they had to practice their English by ordering their own ice cream. When people talk about Muslims, I see my friend Azza and my colleague Ish. Azza was a Fulbright visiting professor teaching Arabic at the university where I teach. She attended our church briefly and made good friends among our community. We ate many meals together and she made us a native Egyptian dish to share. Ish is my colleague who drove for four of us faculty to attend a conference three hours away. On our return we saw a man getting beaten up by two other guys on the side of the road. Without a moment's hesitation he jumped out of the car, into the fray, and broke up the fight. Yes, and he's Muslim. I also have many Jewish friends...and new age friends...and agnostic friends...and even atheist friends.
One of our oldest and dearest family friends and former youth has come out as homosexual in the past few years. I have many gay and lesbian friends from high school and college and currently as colleagues. I have friends, not just acquaintances, who are Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Nicaraguan, Brazilian, and Peruvian. I know people of Polish, German, Czech, Norwegian, British, and Dutch descent. And the amazing thing...I have learned at the core that we have a lot of similarities. We all want to love and be loved. We all want the best for our children. We all have hopes and dreams and feelings and passions. I have also learned that we have some big differences---maybe religion, maybe values, maybe politics. We don't have to agree. And my being friends with people who have differing lifestyles and beliefs from me doesn't mean that I condone their way of thinking. Rather I want to be a model of convicted civility...like Jesus. I don't want to lump people into overused stereotypes or put them in boxes. And how can I love them if I don't know them? How can I extend grace if I am too scared to get close?
As I stated earlier, as PWs it is too easy to stay insulated. Even with my ESL teaching, I still was in a spiritual bubble of sorts. However, as I entered the workforce it was easier to be with different people because my coworkers and patients were different from me. I learned that "those people on Medicaid" weren't sorry, lazy bums, but often middle class parents who had been overwhelmed with medical debts due to a severely handicapped child. If a PW stays at home with her children, she obviously doesn't have the wider borders of the work environment, but she still has neighbors, community organizations, a grocery store, a library, etc. Join a book club, go to a play group, etc., but not a "Christian" one--just a *gasp* secular one. I already have plenty of white, middle class, Christian friends who are the same kind of same as me. However, I am very thankful for the lessons as I have learned from those who are so very different. And...I am thankful for God who created ALL of us in His own image and gave His Son for each and every one of us. My prayer is that I could continue to let my feeble little light shine and extend grace, love, and truth to all.
Today on Facebook one of my friends posted a link to a transcript from the show "Being" on public radio. This episode of the show was devoted to the topic of "restoring political civility." The interviewee, Richard Mouw, is the president of Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. His premise on this show is that we need to get to know people who are different from us, spend time with them, and not lump them in the category of...well, "them." They are not them...they are us.
I recommend reading the whole transcript, but here are some key pearls in my opinion
Yeah, and you're getting a lot of today overtly anti-Muslim stuff. It's almost as if we've always got to have somebody that we feel legitimate about really hating. And that's, I think, intrinsic to the kind of fundamentalist Christianity, with conspiracy theories and antichrists and beasts and all the rest. So, you know, to all of a sudden start thinking about civility and not allowing yourself to get into that kind of thing has been a kind of a shift for me spiritually.
Hebrew people in exile trying to figure out how in the world they're going to relate to a pagan culture. And then God says, seek their Shalom, seek their well-being, you know, even if you disagree radically with them. And then in the New Testament, the Apostle Peter says that we have to honor all human beings and have a regard for their well-being. I take those to be sort of different ways of getting at a very common Biblical theme. What does it mean for me to honor the Muslim, to honor the Mormon, to honor people of unbelief who are hostile toward Christianity? What does it mean to honor them? And then I think we need to work at the theology there, you know. How do we view other people?
Yeah. You know, you're getting at something that I'm just really deeply disturbed about — that, for Christians who take the Bible seriously, it isn't that we have these convictions and then we also got to try to be civil, but the truth element of civility is itself one of the convictions. I mean, if our repertoire of convictions includes this, that God tells us we must not bear false witness against our neighbors, then how can we be so fast and easy and loose with telling the truth about others? Making these blanket statements about Muslims? I mean, you and I know Muslims who do not fit any of the stereotypical caricaturing kind of claims that are being used these days. And yet people think nothing of just saying, you know, the Qur'an is an evil book and anybody who's devoted to the Qur'an is just an evil person and we might as well just…
And then Mouw goes on to say...
I do think that Jesus is a model of civility, of convicted civility. I mean, you know, the murmuring against him that we read about in the Gospel accounts is that this is a person who associates with harlots and with corrupt tax collectors and, you know, other "sinners" in the culture. And yet it's very clear that Jesus did not approve of prostitution or of compliance with the economic practices of the Roman Empire, you know. So it is a clear case where Jesus reached out to people, but in none of that was he sacrificing convictions about what is right, what is good, what is true. And some of his harshest judgments were for people who were very condemnatory toward other people and not aware of their own sin, not aware of their own shortcomings, you know.
The discussion goes on to talk about how we need to know people to understand them and to personalize them. That is so true!! And I fear that as Mouw suggested, evangelical Christians either want to overtake the world and be in total control (i.e., the religious right and that agenda) or pull away and hide in holy huddles (e.g., family life centers, Christian-only homeschool co-ops, Christian schools, Christian fiction) and either refuse or be too fearful of people who think and act differently than we do.
This article got me thinking about how important it is that we have friends and/or spend time with those who are different from us. I think that not only having non-Christian friends, but friends who have different political ideologies, sexual orientations, belief systems, ethnic backgrounds, etc. is a particular pitfall for families in vocational ministry. Often times life revolves around church, especially if the wife doesn't work out of the home. If she has small children she may be involved in MOPS (a Christian organization), attend a Bible study, etc. for an outlet, but this still keeps one to the close Christian inner circle. I was a SAHM for many years as a a pastor's wife when my children were young and I did MOPS, Beth Moore Bible studies, women's ministry, VBS, etc. It would have been easy to stay in those familiar circles, but I didn't. I also volunteered at my son's public school and I taught ESL at the neighborhood literacy center. I learned that "those Mexicans" that church people talked disdainfully about were actually from El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala and weren't Mexican at all; just Spanish speaking. I learned that many had been raped at gunpoint in their home countries and came to the U.S. seeking refuge. They worked twelve hours a day doing manual labor for pennies and then sent most of it home to provide a better life for the children they left at home. So when people start talking about sending all of the illegals home and "if you're in our country, speak our language," even now I see the faces of Zoila and Noe who came twice a week to learn English after a 12 hour workday and with the academic skills of a 6th grader. I see them playfully pushing each other in line when I took them to get ice cream and said it was my treat, but they had to practice their English by ordering their own ice cream. When people talk about Muslims, I see my friend Azza and my colleague Ish. Azza was a Fulbright visiting professor teaching Arabic at the university where I teach. She attended our church briefly and made good friends among our community. We ate many meals together and she made us a native Egyptian dish to share. Ish is my colleague who drove for four of us faculty to attend a conference three hours away. On our return we saw a man getting beaten up by two other guys on the side of the road. Without a moment's hesitation he jumped out of the car, into the fray, and broke up the fight. Yes, and he's Muslim. I also have many Jewish friends...and new age friends...and agnostic friends...and even atheist friends.
One of our oldest and dearest family friends and former youth has come out as homosexual in the past few years. I have many gay and lesbian friends from high school and college and currently as colleagues. I have friends, not just acquaintances, who are Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Nicaraguan, Brazilian, and Peruvian. I know people of Polish, German, Czech, Norwegian, British, and Dutch descent. And the amazing thing...I have learned at the core that we have a lot of similarities. We all want to love and be loved. We all want the best for our children. We all have hopes and dreams and feelings and passions. I have also learned that we have some big differences---maybe religion, maybe values, maybe politics. We don't have to agree. And my being friends with people who have differing lifestyles and beliefs from me doesn't mean that I condone their way of thinking. Rather I want to be a model of convicted civility...like Jesus. I don't want to lump people into overused stereotypes or put them in boxes. And how can I love them if I don't know them? How can I extend grace if I am too scared to get close?
As I stated earlier, as PWs it is too easy to stay insulated. Even with my ESL teaching, I still was in a spiritual bubble of sorts. However, as I entered the workforce it was easier to be with different people because my coworkers and patients were different from me. I learned that "those people on Medicaid" weren't sorry, lazy bums, but often middle class parents who had been overwhelmed with medical debts due to a severely handicapped child. If a PW stays at home with her children, she obviously doesn't have the wider borders of the work environment, but she still has neighbors, community organizations, a grocery store, a library, etc. Join a book club, go to a play group, etc., but not a "Christian" one--just a *gasp* secular one. I already have plenty of white, middle class, Christian friends who are the same kind of same as me. However, I am very thankful for the lessons as I have learned from those who are so very different. And...I am thankful for God who created ALL of us in His own image and gave His Son for each and every one of us. My prayer is that I could continue to let my feeble little light shine and extend grace, love, and truth to all.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Coffee with C.S. Lewis
I haven't posted on this blog in forever. Not because I haven't had anything to say. I ALWAYS have something to say, much to my husband's dismay at times. However, it has just been a crazy busy summer. So crazy busy that my personal quiet time has taken a significant beating.
Oops! I just dispelled a myth. People who aren't pastors' wives think that we spend at least two hours a day praying and reading the Bible, in between doing good works, baking from scratch, making our own clothes, and just generally being holy. I regret to inform you, that at least for this PW, my house is a mess, we ate ice cream for supper (seriously!), and my Bible is covered in a film of dust...if I'm even sure where it is. I do chat with God periodically throughout the day, but of late it has been more surface chatter like I'd have with an acquaintance rather than a deep heart-to-heart with my Daddy. Time to change all of that and find my Jesus mojo again.
We've been cleaning out the basement and preparing for a garage sale. In doing so, my hubby had to go through hundreds of old ministry and theological books. He has finally released his grip on youth ministry books from the early 90s and pop culture Christian books a la Prayer of Jabez (although he never owned THAT book). However, among the good ones we are keeping are several good Bible study and devotional books that I put aside for myself to read. I'm starting with A Retreat with C.S. Lewis. It's a small book with a weeks' worth of daily readings by Mr. Lewis (for whom our youngest son is named) and related scripture. It's time to recreate the spiritual discipline of getting daily into Scripture with the added bonus of considering the illuminating ponderings of one of my favorite authors, who just so happens to be an incredible apologist.
Tomorrow morning you'll find me sipping coffee in my rocker chair and reading while chatting with Clive Staples Lewis as we enter the throne room. Looking forward to it!
Oops! I just dispelled a myth. People who aren't pastors' wives think that we spend at least two hours a day praying and reading the Bible, in between doing good works, baking from scratch, making our own clothes, and just generally being holy. I regret to inform you, that at least for this PW, my house is a mess, we ate ice cream for supper (seriously!), and my Bible is covered in a film of dust...if I'm even sure where it is. I do chat with God periodically throughout the day, but of late it has been more surface chatter like I'd have with an acquaintance rather than a deep heart-to-heart with my Daddy. Time to change all of that and find my Jesus mojo again.
We've been cleaning out the basement and preparing for a garage sale. In doing so, my hubby had to go through hundreds of old ministry and theological books. He has finally released his grip on youth ministry books from the early 90s and pop culture Christian books a la Prayer of Jabez (although he never owned THAT book). However, among the good ones we are keeping are several good Bible study and devotional books that I put aside for myself to read. I'm starting with A Retreat with C.S. Lewis. It's a small book with a weeks' worth of daily readings by Mr. Lewis (for whom our youngest son is named) and related scripture. It's time to recreate the spiritual discipline of getting daily into Scripture with the added bonus of considering the illuminating ponderings of one of my favorite authors, who just so happens to be an incredible apologist.
Tomorrow morning you'll find me sipping coffee in my rocker chair and reading while chatting with Clive Staples Lewis as we enter the throne room. Looking forward to it!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Why I Don't Do VBS-Part 2
So as I mentioned in my previous post, I don't do Vacation Bible School anymore. Part of that reason is because I don't really enjoy it and I don't feel particularly called to do it. Even better...I don't feel obligated. Woo Hoo!!! It is for FREEDOM that I've been set free (Gal. 1:1). This post is about my other reason. I don't think that the working model of Vacation Bible school---well, I don't think it works.
Hold on loyal VBSers. Before you chalk me up as spouting blasphemy, hear me out. As a "general rule," not 100% of the time, I don't think that VBS is particularly effective where it is mostly done and how it is typically done. Vacation Bible School runs rampant in the south. To be particular, in the Bible Belt.
Hold on loyal VBSers. Before you chalk me up as spouting blasphemy, hear me out. As a "general rule," not 100% of the time, I don't think that VBS is particularly effective where it is mostly done and how it is typically done. Vacation Bible School runs rampant in the south. To be particular, in the Bible Belt.
I know the Bible Belt. I was born and raised in Alabama and lived there until I was 23 year old, at which time I moved west to Texas. My husband went to seminary and Texas, served his first full-time church in southwestern Missouri, at the northern edge of the Belt, and then we moved to Louisiana. Up until almost four years ago, my life had been totally lived in the Bible Belt. Then we moved to Wisconsin--the land of Catholics and Lutherans and most assuredly, strangely devoid of Southern Baptist churches with very few evangelical churches of any flavor. In the Bible Belt, every church (and there is a church on every corner) has a summer VBS and many children take turns going around the Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, and Assembly of God VBS circuit with their friends. Here in central Wisconsin I know of one Evangelical Free church and one Lutheran church that has a VBS. It's just not done very much here. And here...it just might work.
So here's my beef. There are incredible amounts of time and money that go into coordinating and putting on a good Vacation Bible School. It takes tons of volunteers to teach the classes, make the cookies, plan recreation, get the kids from point a to point b, rock the babies of the worker, etc. The first flaw in the system was noticed about 15 years ago when churches realized that not all moms are stay-at-home moms and they were suddenly having trouble finding enough workers. Instead of rethinking the whole model, which has been around since the late 1800s, churches merely moved VBS from weekday mornings to the evenings. This way people can put in a full day's work and still come to church every night for a week to participate in VBS for three hours per night. Yes, it's only for one week, but that is creating exhaustion and taking away from family time. I would be so grouchy and exhausted to work 8+ hours, then lead VBS for 3 hours (not including set up, clean-up, and getting me and my family fed at some point), before collapsing into bed and doing it all over again the next day. People who do this deserve to be sainted.
If you read this article about the history of VBS, you will note that it was started as a way to meet a community need, notably unsupervised children running the streets of New York City. (FYI, Sesame Street was started for reasons along the same line, albeit many years later). Our culture, our communities, family structure, and the demands on our time have all changed radically since the advent of VBS. I think we need to go back to the drawing board and think about
What is the purpose of Vacation Bible School?
I think most churches would probably cite evangelism, outreach/church growth, exposure to the Bible, and worship as the key purposes of VBS. Those are all worthy and wonderful things. However, I was rather disheartened to find this article that suggests that the purpose is to advance church culture. Last time I checked, Jesus didn't walk this earth and die a horrific death to promote church culture. I digress. Anyway, if we want to do outreach and share the love of Christ with others, how about we get OUT of the church building? The other method of drawing unchurched and/or non-believers into the sanctuary for warm Kool-Aid, macaroni crafts, and songs with hand motions isn't very compelling or realistic.
As my alter ego speech pathologist/professor self, I have worked with many people who live below the federal poverty line. A lot of times they don't have transportation to get to VBS. Some churches have buses, but that doesn't necessarily solve the problem either when compounded by childcare and other issues for single working moms. I think we should go into the community---parks on the wrong side of town, housing projects, and Section 8 housing still have unsupervised children running around who may not have heard of a loving Savior. Those children often have single mothers who would love to catch their breath, or have an adult conversation, or just have someone look them in the eye and tell them that they matter. Some of those children have dads who feel beaten up by the fact that they can't provide for their families like they wish they could or they could be caught in a vicious cycle of anger and abuse because they don't know how to manage their anger. Some of those children have loving parents in stable marriages who just can't catch a financial break and the stress is overwhelming them. They feel defeated and alone. Some of these families are in middle class subdivisions at the clubhouse pool. Some of these families are in gated communities on the tennis courts or in the park. These are our neighbors, our co-workers, and the people on the wrong side of the tracks that we've never bothered to know.
My home church in college, Spring Hill Baptist Church, began a community VBS in a local park after I had graduated and left. From what my former roommate told me, it was a wonderful undertaking, with new children arriving each day. Many of these children had never held a Bible, heard of Jesus, or darkened the door of a church. When I was a summer missionary in California, way back in 1987, we did a lot of Backyard Bible Clubs, which is basically just a small neighborhood VBS. It's not a huge, mass-marketing campaign for the church. It's about getting to know kids and their families while teaching them about Jesus. There are still games, crafts, snacks, and Bible stories, but it's smaller and more personal. It's also much, much less expensive.
I tried to Google and find out how much churches are spending on VBS to no avail. I'm sure that large (e.g., 300+ member) churches are spending thousands, if not tens of thousands, of dollars on VBS. Taking a quick look at the Lifeway VBS Catalog, I found that I can purchase the Big Apple Super Sampler for $199.99, the $9.99 book telling me how to decorate, and then all of the decorations (tablecloths, Times Square backdrop, giant inflatable Statue of Liberty, taxi floor prints), materials (teacher books, student books, overheads, power points, music books, CDs, DVDs, take home handouts, craft supplies), snacks, advertisement (large signs, radio/newspaper ads, mailouts), and maybe even transportation and registration fees for worker training. I suspect that it's pretty big business for Lifeway, Group, and other companies that are producing VBS materials.
I suspect that the overwhelming percentage of children who attend VBS are already involved in a church. There is always a contingency of children who attend who are unchurched as well. However, I think we could be reaching so much more of that population if we went outside of the church walls. There are always salvation decisions at VBS which seems wonderful. However, with the emotion of the event and the inevitable "mob mentality" and peer pressure of children going forward or asked to raise their hands if they prayed THE prayer, I wonder (1) how authentic these young conversion experiences are, (2) how well they are followed up on, and (3) whether most of them would have occurred anyway without VBS---through a Sunday school class, talking with a parent, or meeting with the pastor or children's minister. The same emotion driven, peer-pressured thing happens with youth at camp and big events. Again, please hear what I am saying: I wholeheartedly believe that children can make salvation decisions and I totally believe in the concept of ministry geared to children. However, I don't think VBS is the way to do it.
I think having a fun week, but scaled-down time and finances-wise, to do kind of a kid's revival or something might be a good idea. On her blog, my friend Dusty, wrote lovingly of her experiences with VBS and she gave me pause as she wrote of the beauty of young children worshiping in innocence and with abandon. I thank her for pointing that out to me, because that kind of got overlooked in my rant. I don't think we should begrudge our church kids of a special time to be kids, learn about Jesus, and sing to Him. However, I still question the money, time, and effort put into it the way we do it currently. And I still think relational neighborhood ministry and Backyard Bible Clubs are a less expensive and more meaningful way to take the gospel to the community.
Just something to think about...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: Why I Don't Do VBS (part 1)
Good old VBS. Vacation Bible School. I attended it as a kid, at both my Methodist church and with friends at their Baptist churches. I worked at VBS as an older child/teen and then I taught VBS in Texas, in Missouri, and in Louisiana when my husband was a youth minister at those churches. Then I hung up my lanyard, put away the finger paints, and resigned. During our second year in Louisiana I quit.
Yes, I know that many people believe that it is one of the 10 commandments that a pastor's wife must be an active VBS worker. Not just a cookie baker or kid shuffler, but a teacher, or music leader, or recreation director--some big and obvious role in VBS. For years I taught preschool VBS and then I started being the missions teacher for older elementary kids. I went all out. One year was some ocean theme and I spent hours drawing, coloring, and cutting out fish for my room, creating an ocean scene on one wall, etc. I dressed up, I knew all of the hand motions to the songs, I developed fun and creative active learning experiences like actually re-enacting the Battle of Jericho and making the walls crash down. I didn't do VBS half heartedly. I went all out, loaded for bear. But I didn't like it.
I doubt that anyone could tell that I didn't like VBS. I was very upbeat and enthusiastic. Actually, I think that for years I did like VBS. But then it started becoming exhausting and the rose lost its bloom. When my kids were old enough to attend, they would be tired and grumpy and so would I. Our house was a mess because of all of the supplies and craftiness. I love children, but one on one or in small groups...not in herds.
I was just always assumed that I would be a VBS worker because (1) I was married to a pastor, (2) I am good with kids, (3) I wasn't working outside of the home for most of those years. I think I believed some of that too, or at the very least, I never questioned it. So each year during the worker round-up I signed up for the task. Our first year in Texas I even got recruited to be the music director. (Those who know me may go ahead and burst out into loud guffaws now). I should mention that I was also working a full-time job with a 45 mile commute each way and was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe it. I would lie down and nap on church pews in between groups of kids and we had to put on a full-fledged musical, with acting and solos, in 5 days. We did it.
Over the years of VBS, the difficulty finding enough workers, seeing the same church kids come through every year, and teaching the same stories over and over, I got burned out. So our second (or maybe third) year in Baton Rouge, I just didn't sign up when the time came. We were at a mega-church, so no one really noticed, until the last push for workers because they were still short a few. Then I was asked by a few people if I was working to which I replied simply, "No." That was actually a huge, pivotal moment in my life as a minister's wife for two reasons. For one thing, I was learning to say NO. The other thing was that I didn't feel compelled to provide a justification or an excuse. A simple "no" would suffice.
I realized that for me, VBS was a joy-stealer. I was irritable and contentious--not during the actual VBS time, but before and after each day. I just simply didn't like participating in VBS. I did bake cookies for VBS for another couple of years and then I gave it up entirely and with no regret. Some people LOVE VBS and that's great. It takes all kinds. I am thankful for those with a passion for it and I will pray for them. I'm just not putting on the VBS T-shrt and singing "Father Abraham" anymore...at least for now.
I also want to stress that I believe that all church members, staff family or not, should be involved in some type of service in church. I also believe that you have to get out of your comfort zone on occasion and do some types of ministry that may not be your gifting or affinity. However, I don't think you should be compelled to repeatedly take on a ministry that you really don't like or don't believe in just because of expectations (your own or other's) or because "there is no one else to do it." Sometimes we step in to save the day when actually that particular place of service may need some new blood or may even need to wither on the vine.
Ministry jobs I have done out of my comfort zone? Youth ministry! Teenagers scared me (and still do to some extent) and middle schoolers annoyed me. This chick can take only so much fart humor, adolescent girl drama/hysterics, and Oreos tossed into ceiling fans (true story). However, I taught 10th grade Sunday school for years and years...and learned to love it and grow more comfortable. I chaperoned lock-ins and led girls' accountability groups. I also really actively learned that God's grace is sufficient. However, there were times I needed to take a break from teaching Sunday school and just be a member in a class. Thankfully I had a husband who was supportive of my need for respite. Other times, I taught adult Sunday school, led women's Bible studies, taught children's choir, played handbells, worked in the nursery, and sang in choir. Most recently, my act of service in our church plant has been more behind-the-scenes. I pick up college students from campus and bring them to church, bake treats for the hospitality table, and help with set-up and take down. I totally and wholeheartedly believe that we are all part of the bride of Christ and therefore, we each have an important role to play. I am eager and willing to do my part. It just isn't in Vacation Bible School anymore...and that makes me happy.
(Part II-Why I believe we need to rethink VBS)
Yes, I know that many people believe that it is one of the 10 commandments that a pastor's wife must be an active VBS worker. Not just a cookie baker or kid shuffler, but a teacher, or music leader, or recreation director--some big and obvious role in VBS. For years I taught preschool VBS and then I started being the missions teacher for older elementary kids. I went all out. One year was some ocean theme and I spent hours drawing, coloring, and cutting out fish for my room, creating an ocean scene on one wall, etc. I dressed up, I knew all of the hand motions to the songs, I developed fun and creative active learning experiences like actually re-enacting the Battle of Jericho and making the walls crash down. I didn't do VBS half heartedly. I went all out, loaded for bear. But I didn't like it.
I doubt that anyone could tell that I didn't like VBS. I was very upbeat and enthusiastic. Actually, I think that for years I did like VBS. But then it started becoming exhausting and the rose lost its bloom. When my kids were old enough to attend, they would be tired and grumpy and so would I. Our house was a mess because of all of the supplies and craftiness. I love children, but one on one or in small groups...not in herds.
I was just always assumed that I would be a VBS worker because (1) I was married to a pastor, (2) I am good with kids, (3) I wasn't working outside of the home for most of those years. I think I believed some of that too, or at the very least, I never questioned it. So each year during the worker round-up I signed up for the task. Our first year in Texas I even got recruited to be the music director. (Those who know me may go ahead and burst out into loud guffaws now). I should mention that I was also working a full-time job with a 45 mile commute each way and was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe it. I would lie down and nap on church pews in between groups of kids and we had to put on a full-fledged musical, with acting and solos, in 5 days. We did it.
Over the years of VBS, the difficulty finding enough workers, seeing the same church kids come through every year, and teaching the same stories over and over, I got burned out. So our second (or maybe third) year in Baton Rouge, I just didn't sign up when the time came. We were at a mega-church, so no one really noticed, until the last push for workers because they were still short a few. Then I was asked by a few people if I was working to which I replied simply, "No." That was actually a huge, pivotal moment in my life as a minister's wife for two reasons. For one thing, I was learning to say NO. The other thing was that I didn't feel compelled to provide a justification or an excuse. A simple "no" would suffice.
I realized that for me, VBS was a joy-stealer. I was irritable and contentious--not during the actual VBS time, but before and after each day. I just simply didn't like participating in VBS. I did bake cookies for VBS for another couple of years and then I gave it up entirely and with no regret. Some people LOVE VBS and that's great. It takes all kinds. I am thankful for those with a passion for it and I will pray for them. I'm just not putting on the VBS T-shrt and singing "Father Abraham" anymore...at least for now.
I also want to stress that I believe that all church members, staff family or not, should be involved in some type of service in church. I also believe that you have to get out of your comfort zone on occasion and do some types of ministry that may not be your gifting or affinity. However, I don't think you should be compelled to repeatedly take on a ministry that you really don't like or don't believe in just because of expectations (your own or other's) or because "there is no one else to do it." Sometimes we step in to save the day when actually that particular place of service may need some new blood or may even need to wither on the vine.
Ministry jobs I have done out of my comfort zone? Youth ministry! Teenagers scared me (and still do to some extent) and middle schoolers annoyed me. This chick can take only so much fart humor, adolescent girl drama/hysterics, and Oreos tossed into ceiling fans (true story). However, I taught 10th grade Sunday school for years and years...and learned to love it and grow more comfortable. I chaperoned lock-ins and led girls' accountability groups. I also really actively learned that God's grace is sufficient. However, there were times I needed to take a break from teaching Sunday school and just be a member in a class. Thankfully I had a husband who was supportive of my need for respite. Other times, I taught adult Sunday school, led women's Bible studies, taught children's choir, played handbells, worked in the nursery, and sang in choir. Most recently, my act of service in our church plant has been more behind-the-scenes. I pick up college students from campus and bring them to church, bake treats for the hospitality table, and help with set-up and take down. I totally and wholeheartedly believe that we are all part of the bride of Christ and therefore, we each have an important role to play. I am eager and willing to do my part. It just isn't in Vacation Bible School anymore...and that makes me happy.
(Part II-Why I believe we need to rethink VBS)
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