As any pastor's wife knows, there are a lot of people in a church who come up with laundry lists of things that the church should do or needs to do or ought to do. However, the secret translation of Susie Q-concerned-and-involved-Church Member's statement, "Our church really needs to do X. It would be such a great ministry," is "Why don't you start and coordinate X because I want it to happen, but I don't want to do the work." Basically they are saying, "I have a great idea...for you to implement."
This wonderful, refreshing, and astounding thing about our 2 year old church plant is that this never happens. Ever. Instead people say things like:
*Would it be okay if I get everything organized so that we can participate in the community-wide "Make a Difference" Day? So one 23-year-old who was not yet a believer (that has since changed, glory to God!) got us registered with the city, made sign up sheets, contacted everyone, and here was the result. We raked 3 different yards of people unable to do so and had a great time together doing it...in the rain even!
...or this
*Hey Robert, since we always have a cookout and party every time someone is baptized and you do all of the shopping, why don't you just let me handle it? And so one of our patriarchs took another college student with him and they bought all of the food and saved my husband a lot of time and headache. Not only that, but these particular baptisms took place outside in a river...in the fall...in Wisconsin. This means it was cold! It was cold for those of us who didn't get in the water and even colder for those who did. So, this wonderful gentleman at our church and his accomplice not only bought and cooked the food to grill out, but he purchased a camp stove (with his own money) and they made two huge pots of soup. What a blessing!
...and then
*Would it be okay if we went caroling to a nursing home? Then I was thinking that we could come back to church a little early and all eat chili together. Then this family, who has only been attending our church since August coordinated the caroling, had everyone sign up for chili and the fixings, provided song books and music, and organized the meeting times and places. My husband and I did nothing but make a pot of chili like everyone else and then we showed up.
Caroling
Chili eating
Wow! I've been married to a pastor for 20 years and in no church before have I ever seen the body of Christ really use their different giftings and serve in such a wonderful way. And these are only a few examples. We had a college student couple organize day for us to clean up the playground at a Section 8 housing complex and play with the children there. We had people take over nursery duty, set up policies and guidelines, and coordinate that. People volunteer to make homemade goodies for the hospitality table week after week after week.
Indeed we are spoiled very blessed and challenged by these wonderful people!
I've heard some murmuring of this issue recently and have experienced it myself, so I thought I would address it in print today.
What do you do when you are not happy in the church where your husband pastors?
Been there, done that twice. When you figure that my husband has been a full-time vocational pastor in four different churches, that equals 50%. Those aren't good odds. For the record, I wasn't unhappy the whole time we were at either church. In fact there were some really wonderful times at both places. However, for a total of the 13 years he served in these two churches, three of the years were very challenging and, at times, downright miserable.
(For the record, for any former church members who may be reading this, one of the churches is obvious, the other not so much. I am leaving out some details to intentionally be a bit cryptic and not provide absolute identification. And...I'm not saying which is which.)
So at this one church we were plugging along, life was good, and out of the blue Robert was asked to interview for a position as a youth minister is a "hip, progressive church" in a Big City. This interview was totally unsolicited as we were content and not looking to leave. We had started to have the very slightest intuition of some things at our church, but nothing out of the ordinary that would cause us to leave. However, Robert decided to test the waters and he interviewed. Everything went well and they invited him back for the second interview with me and the kids in tow. They paid for all of us to go to Big City and we spent the weekend doing the couple interviews and the "we're checking out how well behaved your kids are and are also secretly making judgments about your parenting skills" interview. The boys were well taken care of and had a great time. We were wined and dined (well, not wined...it was a Baptist church, after all) and enjoyed getting to know everyone on the search committee. We loved everything about the people and the church. Plus...they were offering Robert big bucks. More than double his current salary and a salary pretty much unheard of for a youth minister in those days. The funny thing is the night of the big couple interview when everything had gone SO well---we liked them and they liked us--we got in the car to drive back to the hotel and we looked at each other and simultaneously said, "No." To this date, it remains one of the most obvious that-was-God-talking moments of our life together. Everything was perfect on paper and in experience, but for some reason, in our guts, we both felt that it wasn't the right time or place.
Fast forward a few months. Church members are starting to come to Robert with complaints about the senior pastor. This puts a youth minister is a very tricky position. He was diplomatic and always had the senior pastor's back. However, he was starting to sense truth in some of the complaints, mostly related to lying. Over time he was having trouble serving underneath the authority of someone he didn't respect and couldn't trust. Of course, Robert couldn't share this with anyone in church or any friend in the community. It was our horrible secret.
We prayed, Robert started having some significant stomach problems and weight loss from the stress of working with this man, and we were both frustrated and angry. I hated sitting in the pew every Sunday looking at this man preach, knowing full well other details which made me hold no esteem for him. The thought that he was preaching the Word of God and living such a double life repulsed me. I hated going to church. We started praying about leaving. Robert had a good reputation throughout the state as a youth minister and could have had any number of new positions. However, God told us to be patient, wait, and stay. STAY!??! In these conditions? Yes. The answer was clear.
During this time God taught me that even though the messenger may be living a life of sin, His Word never returns void. Every Sunday I would tune out the pastor's words and focus on the scripture and prayer. God taught me a whole lot while I sat in that pew. There was a big positive change in me. We waited it out for a whole year, before we felt that it was okay to move on. It felt so incredible to be free from that burden! I, being vindicative at heart, wanted Robert to out this man to the church after we left. That wouldn't have been productive though. Robert did confront him. He ultimately was "found out" for other issues and was forced out.
The other experience was at a church that split. Splits are never pleasant and this was no exception. However, we both knew again that we weren't supposed to leave. The church service dwindled to a third of what it had been and our youth group of over a hundred kids was down to the high teens and twenties. It was a time of feeling defeated and broken down. The joy was gone. However, Jesus never said He wanted us to be happy. The Bible doesn't guarantee a life of ease. In fact, Jesus told us quite the opposite.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
We were ready, willing, and able to leave. We wanted to move on. God said, "Wait on me." Ugh! As uncomfortable and frustrating as it can be at times, there really is no better place than in the center of God's will. So we waited...for two years. During those two years more staff left. Robert was covering work of others who had left. The work at church was disheartening because the numbers were down so much and the wind was knocked out of everyone's sails, staff and church members alike. Rumors were running rampant and there was no joy in Mudville. Robert had promised the youth that he wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't even consider looking until a new senior pastor was found. Almost two years later and still pastorless, we both felt released to start looking at other options. Godcidentally, a new SP was hired about two months before we left. God's timing is perfect. Every time.
Personal lessons I learned: *Happiness is dependent on circumstances. Joy is dependent on a relationship with Jesus. Joy is where I want to be. *It's much easier to hang onto Jesus when He's all you have. *God's timing is frustrating and nonsensical from where we are sitting sometimes, but it is always perfect. *There are great lessons to be learned about oneself and the character and nature of God during times of trial. *There are few things more heartbreaking than to watch your husband be defeated and broken and be helpless to do anything about it. *I learned to be content (not happy) during very bad times. *God really does speak. We just have to be listening.
I started talking about friendships of pastors' wives in this post. Pastors and their wives frequently report a lack of friends as one of their top stressors. However, many well-intentioned articles, books, and seminars will vigorously assert that pastors and their wives can't and shouldn't have friends among their church members. Here's one such article from Focus on the Family. One quote from this article is:
Search for friends outside your church. Other ministers' wives in your community, parents of your children's peers or women who share similar activities (i.e., craft classes, local fitness center) may offer great friendship, as well as an environment for non-church related conversation and fun. Friends you make here will not face the obstacle of knowing you as their pastor's wife.
There are many reasons given for why PWs should not have friends in church. I'll try to hit them all over subsequent posts. However, in this post I will focus on a very reason that I have heard from many a PW. It is this:
I can't have friends among church members because if they knew my struggles they wouldn't be able to respect me and look up to my leadership and that of my husband. (This are also usually the same people who insist on being called "Pastor/Reverend/Brother" and "Mrs." rather than first names).
There are many, many thinks wrong with this vein of thinking in my opinion. First of all, the last time I checked, Jesus Christ was the only sinless perfect human to walk the earth. We all have struggles. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Is it really startling and shocking to let someone else see the chink in our armor? To find out that, alas, we are all merely human? Personally I find it therapeutic to find out that someone has the same struggles, insecurities, and "favorite" sins as me. C.S. Lewis says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Also, we are biblically commanded to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2). If we don't share them with anyone else, how can they help bear them?
I have a great example of this to share and one of my most profound moments of being ministered to by a church member. At one church where my husband was a youth minister I was going through a very difficult time personally. The details aren't important and are way too personal to share and the issues have long since been resolved. However, I was in a long dark night-time of the soul kind of place. I received one piece of information that pushed me even deeper into the abyss. I was bawling my head off and then I went for a long drive. I got home and was still sobbing uncontrollably. I asked my husband if he would call Nancy for me and ask if I could go to her house and talk to her. I need to explain to convey how bizarre this request was. Nancy and I weren't particularly close. She was an older church member, probably about 10 years older or so than my parents. I knew her casually and we had been a Ladies Bible Study together. She lived on the street behind me in a huge restored Victorian mansion. I had never been to her house, I just knew where she lived. However, I knew that she had lived through a similar experience as to what I was going through because of something she shared in Bible study. I knew I needed to talk to her. My husband had to make the call because I was crying so uncontrollably that I couldn't talk.
It was almost 10:00 on a weeknight. Horrible timing! And as I subsequently found out, she was packing to head out of town the next day AND her husband's company (he owned a large factory in town) was in turmoil because the workers had gone on strike that day. This was not a good time for her. She didn't tell me any of that. I found out after the fact. She urged me to come on over. I got to her house and was a mess of ugly crying--splotchy face, swollen eyes, runny nose, dry sobs. She met me at the door and I burst into fresh tears while she just hugged me and held on. I'm sure her shirt was covered with my snot and tears. After I regained a little composure I talked and talked and she listened. She gave me some advice, told me some of her story, but mostly she listened...and prayed with me. I left and several days later received a bouquet of flowers with a very special card indicating that she "got" me. She understood the place I was in and the emotions I was feeling. That was honestly one of the most significant experiences of my life. She saw the ugly core of me and raw, naked emotion and she loved me anyway. I got to share my burden (and it really did take so much weight off my shoulders) and she had an opportunity to minister to me. Isn't that what "church" is about? Pastors are supposed to be equipping the church members to do the work of the church. She did! Win-Win. If I had been too proud to convey my need and my pain to her, she would have never had the opportunity to care for me and I never would have been blessed by her ministry to me. She lost no "respect" for me in the process. In fact, we did become friends and later took a roadtrip across the state together.
I think when we share our struggles together that we can hold one another accountable, pray for each other, and encourage one another. Instead of trying to lift ourselves up and appear perfect to the rest of the world, we should adopt the attitude of persecuter-turned-renegade-missionary, Paul. In I Timothy 1 Paul says
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.
Paul was eager to share his story and his life with those he ministered to. I don't think that any of us should dwell in some cesspool of poor choices and low self-esteem, but sharing our struggles with sin and our victories as well seems pretty biblical. In Hebrews 10 we are urged to continue to meet together to encourage one another. Inside that part of the function of the bride of Christ? In one church that my husband served in as youth minister we had a senior pastor who openly admitted his addiction to internet pornography and the steps he had taken and accountability measures he had in place. This just made me respect him more. We know that pornography is one of the biggest temptations and sins among men period, but also among pastors. There is some solidarity and comfort in knowing that you aren't the only person sitting in the pew (or behind the pulpit) dealing with the issue, I would imagine. We (in ministry) always want church members to feel comfortable, to be able to open up and share themselves, to be vulnerable, etc. and then when are shocked when they attend our church, but go to another church for counseling. Why do they do this? Because they don't want their pastor to know that their marriage is one the rocks or that their teenager is on drugs. Maybe if the pastor and his wife made the first step to be vulnerable, not as some gimmick and show, but in real, personal, genuine friendships, then the culture of the church would change.
All in know is that I have repeatedly broken this rule about no friends in church. I've done it again and again and again. Have I been hurt? Yes, but opening your heart to someone else always comes with the risk of being hurt. But...no risk, no reward. And the good far outweighs the bad.
Carol, Bart, Yoshi-Bart's guide dog, Robert, and me
This is a picture of us with our dear friends, Bart and Carol Pierce. We broke an unwritten ministry rule when we became friends with them. At the time of our initial befriending...hang on, it's pretty scandalous...dare I admit the taboo? Okay, *deep breath*, my husband was a youth minister, their son was in the youth group, and they were mere church members. *GASP!*
I can't tell you how many times I have had other pastors' wives tell me that I should never make friends among the congregation of our church. Thankfully I have never heeded this silly, outdated, and frankly, un-scriptural, advice. I'm a renegade that way. The reasons that some PWs are taught (sometimes in seminary, sometimes by other PW mentors) not to befriend church members (CMs) are many. Here are some of the most common:
*CMs won't look up to you and respect you if they really know you (e.g., if they know that I yell at my kids, question God, miss a quiet time with God, argue with my husband, eat a pint of ice cream by myself, don't dust often, have Twisted Sister on my iPod--good running music, etc.) *CMs will hurt me. They'll be friends at first, but if I really open myself up to them they will use it against me and I'll be hurt in the process *CMs are out to get me and my husband. They just want to be friends because they want to get the dirt on us and then have control over us. *CMs are users. They want to get to know us so they can use us to improve their position in the church and/or say "Look at me! I'm friends with the pastor." *CMs can't be really good friends, because they can't relate to the stresses and demands of ministry. Best to find someone who can understand.
Isn't that horrible, negative, and depressing? If I can't be friends with CMs, then who can I be friends with? The pre-approved friends list for PWs includes other PWs, friends who live out of town, and maybe some community members. However, the general community must be handled carefully because those people might be friends with some of my CMs and then there could be a sharing of information. Not only do I believe this is hogwash, but I also believe that this is a lie straight from the pit of hell. Satan likes nothing more than the cause division among a group of believers. However, I believe that God smiles when the people in His church truly love one another and share their lives with each other. Generally, most of my best and dearest friends have been regular ol' church members in the churches we have served.
So back to Bart and Carol. There are those handful of friends who will always be among the best and dearest. Bart and Carol are among that select group. I remember learning as a Girl Scout/Brownie a song that we sang in a round: "Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver and the others, gold." The Pierces are gold. Pure gold friends. Friendship has been tested now by distance, through disability, and through differing viewpoints of some political and theological issues. However, we have all seen each other when we just wake up in the morning, when we are crying, and when we get the late-night silly giggles. We have weathered some hard storms together. We have seen each others snap at our spouses and lose our cool with our kids. Bart and Carol have not only seen our dirty laundry, both figuratively and literally, but they know all of the skeletons in our closets and I'm pretty sure we know at least most of theirs.
Here's the thing though. To me it's not weird at all that we were friends with church members. They unusual thing about our friendship to me is our age difference...and that's the beautiful thing too. Isn't it bizarre and wonderful the people that God sees fit to place in our lives and knit our souls together with? Our first experience with the Pierces was actually through their son, Matt. We were living in Missouri at the time and they moved to Missouri from Kansas. Robert and I were 27 years old, this was Robert's first full-time position, and he was the youth minister at our church. I was a stay-at-home mom, Adam was a toddler, and Noah was not yet a twinkle in his father's eye. Matt was in my 10th grade Sunday school (what a fun class that was!--and the first time I realized that I wasn't scared of teenagers) and became involved in the youth group. Sarah was only in 6th grade at the time, so she didn't get involved in the youth group until the next year. Bart and Carol started out helping with the youth and that's how we initially got to know them. We had fun with them and really liked them, but they were parents of youth and we were just young pups with a baby and (thought we) had nothing in common with them. We did end up at their house a fair amount because they had an awesome finished basement and hosted a lot of youth events there...or Matt and Sarah just had parties with their friends and invited us too. Then, because neither of us had family in town, we started getting together on Christmas night and having a birthday party for Jesus. By this time, we all realized that we all just enjoyed spending time together and it was no longer taboo for us to simply go out to dinner on a double date sans kids and just have a good time. Here's the kicker though...Bart and Carol are just a very few years younger than our parents.
This is something we don't often discuss because it doesn't matter in the slightest. However, initially, it was very odd to me. I remember going off to college and making friends who were my sister's age. She had always seemed so much older than me because she is 5.5 years older. That was a huge difference when I was a 6th grader and she was a senior, but not so much of a difference by college. However, Bart does have a child from a first marriage who is our age. He and Carol married later and had children a little later than many and their kids keep them young. I don't even ever think about the difference in our ages anymore, but it was strange when they met our parents because they are closer in age to them than to us. However, having friends at a whole different place in life than us has been such a rich and rewarding experience. I taught their daughter Sarah how to drive and when they were here it was bizarre for them to see Adam driving now. Their kids are 30 and 26. Ours are 16 and 13.
Carol and I have been roomies at many conferences over the years and Bart and Robert have gone fishing and also backpacked through Colorado together. We have spent holidays together, including a Christmas when they came down to Baton Rouge. Carol and I used to have slumber parties and she was the person who helped me do the final cleaning when we moved out of our house in Missouri to move to Louisiana. They were defenders of Robert's youth ministry, they were supporters in the church, and they have been friends through it all. Robert has seen Bart and Carol a couple of times over the past few years when he has met them in Chicago to see some of Matt's productions. However, I haven't seen them in probably 3-4 years. I keep up with generally where they are and what they are doing either through their kids on Facebook or Robert talks to Bart occasionally on the phone. I hate to talk on the phone and Carol isn't a big fan either, so we go long stretches without talking to each other. However, they were just here for a week and we picked up where we left off. There was nothing weird or awkward about our time together. We just jumped in and got straight to the hard, vulnerable, emotional subjects and heard one anothers' hearts. We laughed a lot. Matt came up for a couple of days and we got to spend some great quality time with him too. We spent the night at the house they were renting twice, had them over for meals twice and went out to eat. Carol and I took a couple of long walks together and Bart and Robert did a lot of fishing. They got to attend our new church plant. Bart got to share with my counseling class at the university about losing his sight. We just got to hang out and be. Some of the best times were in the morning at their rented lake house with everyone in jammies and bedhair, drinking coffee, and talking.
So being friends with church members? Absolutely! More on why I think that it's not only okay, but is actually advisable in a later post.
I have oft times heard PWs moan and groan about their lot in life, how put upon they are, and how "nobody knows the trouble I've seen." As my own husband frequently teases me, I do NOT have the spiritual gift of mercy. Therefore, to lamenting pastors' wives everywhere I have two things to say:
1. Get over yourself! 2. And my personal favorite: Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!
I am not totally heartless, but I also think that we shouldn't go around looking at the cup as half empty. Happiness is state of mind, but joy comes from Jesus. So, if you are having a terrible pity party I suspect that you have elected to write and send out your own invitations. However many PWs will say, "But you don't understand! My husband is on call 24/7, 365 days a year. People at our church are out to get us. The gossip is unreal. Finances are tight, etc." Yeah, I do get it. Circumstances happen, but our response to those circumstances is our choice. So we have to decide if we are going to wallow in self-pity or delight in the Lord. To be truthful, I have thrown a few extravagant pity parties in my day, complete with whine and cheese. However, as I general rule I think I do try to buck up and "just keep swimming" a la Dory in Finding Nemo.
Here are the two most common lamentations of pastors' wives that I have heard:
1. No one truly understands how miserable it is to be the wife of the pastor. I have to share my husband with so many other people. 2. We are so lonely and so far from family.
I'll tackle each of these issues. For starters, being the wife of a pastor is a misery. According to some accumulated statistics from Focus on the Family, Barna, Campus Crusade for Christ, etc.: Over 50% of pastors’ wives feel that their husbands entering ministry was the most destructive thing to ever happen to their families. Eighty percent of pastors' spouses wish their spouse would choose another profession. The majority of pastor's wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.. This makes me wonder...are any surveys ever done to see how the wives of general surgeons, politicians, and traveling salesmen feel? My guess is no. I have heard again and again that no one understands the plight, the sacrifice of the pastors' wife. Well, have you really talked with wives who are married to men in other professions? Different day, same story. Wives of men who are in construction or real estate are living a feast or famine life. You wanna talk stress? Not knowing how much money is coming in from month to month is pretty darn stressful! And given the current economy and lack of new construction just exacerbates the problem. Over-worked and long hours got you down? Talk to the wife of an accountant during tax season, the wife of a pediatrician, obstetrician, general surgeon, or anesthesiologist when they are on call. Many a holiday meal, family celebration, or milestone have been interrupted by physicians getting called into the hospital at the most inopportune times. Does everyone want a piece of your husband? He needs to be at three different events in one day and needs to put in an appearance at 5 different nighttime functions in one week? Talk to the wife of a politician, a professional entertainer, or a university administrator. Is your husband out of town attending conferences, camps, retreats, or denominational events for several days at a time a few times a year? Are you left at home alone to handle the house, the kids, and everything else by yourself? I don't think that wives of traveling salesmen, wives of news reporters and journalists, and especially the wives of men deployed to the Middle East for 12-18 months are going to have much sympathy. Is your husband the target of antagonists in the church? Is he gossiped about? Is his job stressful? Again, talk with a judge who has made an unfavorable ruling, a police officer working a tough inner-city beat, a firefighter...and then thank the Lord that your husband doesn't set foot in the midst of life or death danger every day he goes to work.
So, no, I don't buy the lie that ministers' wives are especially put upon. Being a minister is no better or worse than a thousand other professions. Same with being the wife of a minister. Wives of plumbers, mechanics, physicians, chefs, merchants, sailors, etc. all have unique worries and special struggles. Yes, there are some unique stresses to being the wife of a minister, but other married women in the grand sisterhood of life CAN relate. When we link our lives to those of our husbands we also share in their vocation, for better or worse. We can decide to complain and magnify the inconveniences and negatives of their profession or we can look for the silver lining. You know, things like watching our husbands do what they were created to do. Watching them grow in their calling. Realizing that our husbands have the coolest job in the world because their interactions with people and potential impact can have eternal significance. Reveling in the joy of perfect obedience and being in the center of the will of God. Sharing in the excitement of lives being changed...or griping and complaining about hours worked, church members who annoy, and how much better a life outside of vocational ministry could have been.
Now for the loneliness/so far from family business... I'm going to address friendship over several posts because I think it is the crux of this issue. It is also a topic I am extraordinarily passionate about and I know I will have a lot to say on the subject. Because of that, it will take me a long time and be emotionally draining so I keep putting it off. But for now, I want to briefly address the feelings of loneliness that come from being far away from family, especially during holidays and special events. I get this too. Except for a brief 2-3 month period when we were first married, we have not lived in the same city as either of our parents or siblings. The closest we lived was a 3-hour-drive. Currently we live a 19-hour-drive from both of our families. We do not celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays, or any other major holiday with them. In fact, my whole family, siblings included, were together last Thanksgiving and this is what they sent me:
While I was thrilled to get the photo and know that they were thinking about us, it hurts to miss them and be the only branch of the family tree missing. I know that personal jokes were made, old stories were shared, and that we missed much laughter and lots of good food. We always call our families on holidays and do the old pass-the-phone-around so I get to talk to everyone, but when I hear the laughter and cutting up in the background it hurts to miss out on that. I could sit at home with our little family of four and cry, but that would be stupid, pointless, and totally against my nature. So, here's what we do instead...
One of my spiritual gifts is hospitality and it is no mistake that I love to talk, enjoy cooking, and adore making new friends. Instead of sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves, we came to realize years ago that there are other lonely people on holidays. Now we seek them out, invite them over, and have a party! Our most consistent thing had been to invite international students from the local university over for Thanksgiving every year. These students are learning English, they are in the dorms alone during the holidays, and most of them have never been in an American home, much less participated in an American holiday. It is the ultimate cultural experience for them. It makes cooking challenging as there are often vegetarians, those who don't eat beef or pork, and even an occasional vegan. We make sure to have food that everyone can eat. We started doing this with two Indian students when we lived in Louisiana, then we had 3 Chinese teenagers our first year in Wisconsin. Last year we had students from India, China, and Japan, a professor from China and her boyfriend from Greece, as well as two transplanted families from Texas. The Texans were also pastors and church planters so they were far from family as well. Not only are we not alone for the holidays, but we get to learn about other cultures, share our traditions with others, and we get to be international missionaries simply by sharing a meal around our table. I think that really makes Jesus smile. I know it makes me smile! It is also so fun to introduce international students to Thanksgiving turkey, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole. They usually bring food to share as well.
And today was Memorial Day. Instead of just hanging out and grilling in the backyard, my husband made a huge pot of jambalaya and we invited the entire neighborhood over, as well as some other friends and church members. We ended up with over 30 people at our house. What a joy and privilege that is! Some neighbors mentioned how they had talked about having a get together before, but nothing ever happened, so they were thrilled. It was very last minute (we invited everyone on Saturday for Monday), but we decided that we definitely will do it again. We also had some church members bring 4 new people whom we had never met. Everyone blended and meshed well and we had a great time. We just provided the jambalaya, drinks, and paper goods and had everyone else bring lawn chairs and a dish to share. We had more than enough food for everyone. Good conversation was had, new friendships were formed, neighbors got to know each other a little better, kids played in the yard, grown-ups played bocce, and the day was sweet.
So again, I don't buy the loneliness thing. You can and should certainly miss family. But if you are lonely on holidays that is not your lot in life. It is a choice. We make that choice on Christmas. We keep Christmas down to just our little family of four and we enjoy that in a whole different way. We love having a full house of friends. However, after all of the Christmas rush and hub-bub, we like a simple quiet family Christmas. We stay in our pajamas most of the day and don't have to rush to clean up the wrapping paper or get dressed. We eat a simple lunch of pastalaya, salad, homemade bread, and dessert, then we nap and go to a late matinee movie. It's our special family tradition and we don't invite anyone in to share it with us as a general rule. However, last year we had some church members who were going to be totally alone on Christmas and that's not good for anyone, so we did make an exception and invite a few extra people. They knew that it would be casual and low-key.
Bottom line on both of these issues is we get to choose to think that nothing is worse than being a pastor's wife and we are the most put upon women in the history of the world. Or... we can embrace the unique place in the world that the Lord has placed us and look for the roses among the thorns. As for me, I kinda like how the old curmudgeon Paul puts it:
Philippians 4: 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
To write about PKs, I went right to the source...our two sons. Over dinner a few nights ago I asked them if being a PK had ruined their lives. I took it as a good sign that they said in unison, "What's a PK?" Once I told them it meant "preacher's/pastor's kid" Noah (13 years old) quickly proclaimed that it was terrible to be a PK. When I asked why, he said it was because of all the expectations put upon him and how people treated him differently because he was a PK. When I asked for examples, he couldn't think of any. Then he back-pedaled. I think he just thought it was much dramatic to be a put upon PK and fit the stereotype. Anyway, once the real discussion ensued he and Adam both agreed that it was no big deal.
They couldn't come up with any examples or reasons why their lives have been any more difficult because their dad was a pastor. They did, however, come up with a lot of perks. For example, how many kids get to hang out with Ten Shekel Shirt all day or having Jeremy Camp take a shower in their bathroom. (They were asleep when Jeremy came over to shower before hitting the road after leading a DiscipleNOW. They were in elementary school at the time and the big question was, "Was Jeremy Camp naked in our bathroom?" I replied that since he took a shower, I thought it was a fairly reasonable assumption.) They realized that they have been the beneficiary of lots of leftover pizza, chips, and soft drinks after youth events. Adam and Noah came to the awareness that not everyone's dad can arrange his schedule to come on field trips, attend school events during the day, and take them to school. Being a PK has given them opportunities to do mission work in Nicaragua, go to cool camps when they were too young to go as campers, and meet all sorts of fascinating people.
The down side? Mostly things that our guys likely don't remember or weren't aware of because of age. We've had a couple of family holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas cut short due to pastoral emergencies like a sudden death in which Robert was asked to perform the funeral. We've have some major stresses in church that have caused us personal stress, like fighting factions, finances, and staff leaving. We have tried to never talk about these things in front of the kids and I think they have been largely shielded from them. We have moved twice, from Missouri to Louisiana and then from Louisiana to Wisconsin, since they have been old enough to be aware of moving and we have included them in the process. Once we began to seriously consider moving we told them and gave them time to process it and an opportunity for their input. We were especially worried about the move to WI since they were going into the 5th and 8th grades at the time---terrible ages to move. However, a fellow pastor and former missionary reminded us that when God calls us, He calls our children too. That has proven to be very true for us!
The jokes about PKs revolve around them going wild and sowing their oats. Certainly we have known of that happening to otherwise "good" kids. However, I don't think it is anymore likely to happen to PKs than kids whose dads have other vocations. I think the biggest risks for PKs are when their dads care more about church than family and make that evident in where they spend their time, energy, and emotion. I also think that when pastors and their wives don't practice what they preach that they are putting their kids in jeopardy of turning their backs on the church and on the Lord. Dad better be the same at home as he is behind the pulpit or trouble will be brewing. It is so imperative that we remember that our kids are not perfect and we need to release worrying about what other people think of our kids and instead just parent them as best we know how and to the glory of God. My kids had explosive diapers, threw the occasional toddler temper tantrum, got whiny when they didn't get a nap, and even embarrassed me on occasion.
The classic story of wishing a huge hole would swallow me up because I was so mortified came from the mouth of my sweet 4 year old Adam. I had recently cleaned out the bathroom closet and came across the "peri-care bottle" from when Noah was born. (TMI warning: For those not in the know, this is a squirt bottle used to clean the nether regions of a woman after childbirth and prevent infection from episiotomy stitches.). Rather than tossing out the bottle I thought it would make a fun bath-time toy for the boys so I added to the basket by the tub. When Adam asked me about it, I had always tried to be open and honest about things, so I told him in kid friendly terms what it was. I didn't give it another thought...until 4 days later. I had taken Adam to Mission Friends (a Southern Baptist program that teaches preschoolers about mission work) on a Wednesday night and was picking him up from class. When I got him his teachers were dying laughing and pulled me aside. They told me that Adam shared a prayer request during prayer time. I was thinking how wonderful it was until they told me what the request was. Adam had asked everyone to pray for my sore bottom because I had to have stitches after Noah was born. Thanks bud! Moral of the story: our little ones (and even bigger ones) are normal and need to be given the room and opportunity to be themselves. Their boisterous, lively, lovely, curious, creative, audacious, personable selves. Sure, they need boundaries and they need to behave, but not more so than any other kids. They are not perfect and no one should expect them to be. It's the mama bear's job to protect them from other people's misconceptions and constraints.
Bottom line, PKs are like other kids. Mine have griped about HAVING to go to church because Dad was a pastor until we informed them that we would still attend church and Sunday school every single Sunday even if their dad wasn't a pastor. We had non-negotiables (Sunday school, Sunday worship--morning and evening when there was an evening service, and Wednesday night). However, other things like choir, youth trips, and special activities were optional. We didn't make them go. We have tried to model an authentic life in which Christ is factored into every decision and relationship. We have allowed them to fail. We have given them responsibilities. We have made them work and encouraged them to play.
However, on the flip side, I do think it is important that PKs make their faith their own. That may involve some pulling away, a lot of questions, and some serious wrestling with God. It is crucial that our kids know Jesus as friend, confidant, brother, and Lord...not because mom and dad said so, not because they've been told in Sunday school every week, but because they have checked it out and found it to be true. Like Jacob, once they have personally wrestled with God their walk will never be the same. As PWs we have to keep them prayed up and release them to the Lord to woo and strengthen them in their faith. After all, He loves them even more than we do.
My boys have had some periods of God-wrestling and I am sure there are more to come. I hope and pray that there isn't any wild oat sowing, but that remains to be seen (or not). They are in the clear so far...at least as far as I know. However, they are teenagers and lack solid judgment and understanding of long-term consequences of their decisions, as all teens do, so that's why prayer is important. When they do mess up, which is inevitable (I just pray for little, fixable messes without devastating consequences), I hope I can respond in grace and unconditional love. I hope I can have some positive influence and continue to mold these young men in my home so that they can be hopelessly in love and recklessly abandoned to Jesus. I want them to fight injustice, love the unlovable, and believe in the impossible. I want them to find a vocation that enables them to pursue their passions and utilize their talents. If they choose to marry, I hope they will marry godly women who challenge them, love them, inspire them, and treasure them. And I do not want them to be defined by their father's profession. They deserve to be their own wonderful selves.
***An incomplete and unproofed version of this was accidentally posted last night. This is the (hopefully) corrected and complete version***
I posted the other day about thinking that my husband had come to some horrible end while running at night. I really don't usually sit around and think about such morbid things. As a general rule, I am not a worrier. I used to be, but Jesus freed me from that several years ago. I wouldn't say that I never worry, but certainly not to the extent that I used to. Formerly, I was one of those people who worried about things to worry about. However, there are periods of time in which I do think about what I would do if some horrible tragedy befell us.
Back when I was a young mom and we didn't have cell phones, Robert would be gone a lot in the summer due to youth ministry. He had camp and mission trips and retreats. If he was gone a week, we'd probably talk once or twice on the phone during the week. This was because he had to find a payphone, the odds of us being at home when he called were slim, etc. Also, neither one of us are big phone people. We'd rather catch up in person, face to face. I do need to know what Robert is doing every second of the day and while I miss him, I don't sit and pine away the whole time he is gone. He doesn't when I am out of town either. All of this to say, that when he is out of town I don't know where he is and what he is going at all times. I have an itinerary and I know generally when to expect him home. The situation hasn't changed much with the advent of cell phones because most camps and things are in remote areas.
So, anyone who knows anything about youth ministry knows that broken down buses and other such travel snags are par for the course. There were those times that the van was supposed to pull into the church parking lot at 7:00 pm and it's 10 and still no bus. It was those times that panic coursed through my veins. In my head I knew that they had gotten lost or had a flat tire or the event ended late, but sometimes my irrational female hysteria would take over and convince my more rational self that the van had a blowout or the bus flipped a guardrail on a bridge and everyone had plummeted to their death.
Once they finally pulled safely into town and I had given my husband a relieved hug, the pragmatist in me, had a horrifying thought...What would I really do if something tragic happened and I found myself a single parent. I don't dwell on such negative thoughts, but I was a Girl Scout, so I like to be prepared and it got me thinking. So, I started discussing it with Robert and never could come to any conclusions. It became a running joke with us. Every time he came home from being out of town without me he would ask, "So where were you going to live if something happened and I didn't make it home?"
See, here's the deal. We've always lived away from our families. We have teased our parents that we have a rule that we have to at live at least a four hour radius from them. Actually, that's been pretty accurate. At any rate, we have lived in towns and cities with no familial attachment. We lived in Missouri when I first realized that I was a man woman without a country. I loved living in the Mayberry-esque town of Carthage, MO. We had an awesome 100-year-old Victorian house on a large corner lot on Main Street. I loved that house. We had wonderful friends, Adam was at a fabulous school 1/2 a block away. We were living an awesome contented life, but I knew if I were a single parent that I probably wouldn't have stayed there. The boys were both young; they were 4 and 6 when we left Missouri. My parents were in St. Louis, four hours away, at the time. My in-laws were in Saraland, AL. I guess I would have probably moved to the St. Louis because I would have needed the support with the kids and for myself, but I had no friends there and it wouldn't have been home.
So then we moved to Baton Rouge and it was never home to me. I didn't like living in Baton Rouge at all. I tried to. I really gave it an honest shot. I would drive around and list things to be thankful for: the Spanish moss hanging from 200-year-old oaks, azaleas and camellias, awesome food, a wonderful job, our church, etc. However, the constant keeping up with the Joneses, the oppressive heat, the flying cockroaches, the traffic, the private schoolness of it all just grated on me. Although I never liked Baton Rouge, I appreciate and am very thankful for our 7 years there. We learned things that radically changed us and have totally changed our thinking about and approach to ministry. We had incredible neighbors, co-workers, youth, and friends who have graced our lives and made them richer. However, I never felt safe at night. I never felt comfortable. I never felt quite at home. I knew that if it weren't for Robert that I couldn't stay in Baton Rouge.
By this time my parents and brother were in Mobile, AL about 30 minutes away from my in-laws. I love Mobile! I went to college in Mobile, we lived there as newlyweds, we had an awesome church there, and I still had a lot of friends in Mobile, as well as family. However, it just didn't feel quite right anymore. I was a visitor now, just passing through. My sister was still in my hometown of Dothan, AL. I was born and raised in Dothan. I was there from birth until my parents moved when I was a junior in college. However, I could never go back. I just didn't (don't) fit in Dothan anymore and it doesn't fit me. There is a part of the song Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves that kind of sums up my feelings about my hometown:
But the places that used to fit me Cannot hold the things I've learned And those roads closed off to me While my back was turned
.
So I remained homeless in the deep roots sense of the word. Everywhere that we had ever lived we had moved to because of either seminary or Robert's job. I enjoyed most of the places that we lived and all of the experiences. I have wanderlust, so my feet itch and I have liked moving every 6 or 7 years. However, that has left me without any place that has truly felt like home in the deep, abiding sense of the word. However, last week when I awoke in a cold sweat worried about my husband, I had an epiphany. After I was assured of his safety and well-being I fell back asleep at utter peace and in total contentment. I just realized it. Here in central Wisconsin, I am finally home.
This is where we were meant to be. This is place that our life experiences have prepared us for. We have support systems in place through our church, our neighbors, my colleagues, and our friends. Our sons are thriving in school and have a great network of friends as well. We love the community, the four seasons, the activities, and the vibe. It feels so good to finally know that I am home.
***An incomplete and unproofed version of this was accidentally posted last night. This is the (hopefully) corrected and complete version***
I posted the other day about thinking that my husband had come to some horrible end while running at night. I really don't usually sit around and think about such morbid things. As a general rule, I am not a worrier. I used to be, but Jesus freed me from that several years ago. I wouldn't say that I never worry, but certainly not to the extent that I used to. Formerly, I was one of those people who worried about things to worry about. However, there are periods of time in which I do think about what I would do if some horrible tragedy befell us.
Back when I was a young mom and we didn't have cell phones, Robert would be gone a lot in the summer due to youth ministry. He had camp and mission trips and retreats. If he was gone a week, we'd probably talk once or twice on the phone during the week. This was because he had to find a payphone, the odds of us being at home when he called were slim, etc. Also, neither one of us are big phone people. We'd rather catch up in person, face to face. I do need to know what Robert is doing every second of the day and while I miss him, I don't sit and pine away the whole time he is gone. He doesn't when I am out of town either. All of this to say, that when he is out of town I don't know where he is and what he is going at all times. I have an itinerary and I know generally when to expect him home. The situation hasn't changed much with the advent of cell phones because most camps and things are in remote areas.
So, anyone who knows anything about youth ministry knows that broken down buses and other such travel snags are par for the course. There were those times that the van was supposed to pull into the church parking lot at 7:00 pm and it's 10 and still no bus. It was those times that panic coursed through my veins. In my head I knew that they had gotten lost or had a flat tire or the event ended late, but sometimes my irrational female hysteria would take over and convince my more rational self that the van had a blowout or the bus flipped a guardrail on a bridge and everyone had plummeted to their death.
Once they finally pulled safely into town and I had given my husband a relieved hug, the pragmatist in me, had a horrifying thought...What would I really do if something tragic happened and I found myself a single parent. I don't dwell on such negative thoughts, but I was a Girl Scout, so I like to be prepared and it got me thinking. So, I started discussing it with Robert and never could come to any conclusions. It became a running joke with us. Every time he came home from being out of town without me he would ask, "So where were you going to live if something happened and I didn't make it home?"
See, here's the deal. We've always lived away from our families. We have teased our parents that we have a rule that we have to at live at least a four hour radius from them. Actually, that's been pretty accurate. At any rate, we have lived in towns and cities with no familial attachment. We lived in Missouri when I first realized that I was a man woman without a country. I loved living in the Mayberry-esque town of Carthage, MO. We had an awesome 100-year-old Victorian house on a large corner lot on Main Street. I loved that house. We had wonderful friends, Adam was at a fabulous school 1/2 a block away. We were living an awesome contented life, but I knew if I were a single parent that I probably wouldn't have stayed there. The boys were both young; they were 4 and 6 when we left Missouri. My parents were in St. Louis, four hours away, at the time. My in-laws were in Saraland, AL. I guess I would have probably moved to the St. Louis because I would have needed the support with the kids and for myself, but I had no friends there and it wouldn't have been home.
So then we moved to Baton Rouge and it was never home to me. I didn't like living in Baton Rouge at all. I tried to. I really gave it an honest shot. I would drive around and list things to be thankful for: the Spanish moss hanging from 200-year-old oaks, azaleas and camellias, awesome food, a wonderful job, our church, etc. However, the constant keeping up with the Joneses, the oppressive heat, the flying cockroaches, the traffic, the private schoolness of it all just grated on me. Although I never liked Baton Rouge, I appreciate and am very thankful for our 7 years there. We learned things that radically changed us and have totally changed our thinking about and approach to ministry. We had incredible neighbors, co-workers, youth, and friends who have graced our lives and made them richer. However, I never felt safe at night. I never felt comfortable. I never felt quite at home. I knew that if it weren't for Robert that I couldn't stay in Baton Rouge.
By this time my parents and brother were in Mobile, AL about 30 minutes away from my in-laws. I love Mobile! I went to college in Mobile, we lived there as newlyweds, we had an awesome church there, and I still had a lot of friends in Mobile, as well as family. However, it just didn't feel quite right anymore. I was a visitor now, just passing through. My sister was still in my hometown of Dothan, AL. I was born and raised in Dothan. I was there from birth until my parents moved when I was a junior in college. However, I could never go back. I just didn't (don't) fit in Dothan anymore and it doesn't fit me. There is a part of the song Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves that kind of sums up my feelings about my hometown:
But the places that used to fit me Cannot hold the things I've learned And those roads closed off to me While my back was turned
.
So I remained homeless in the deep roots sense of the word. Everywhere that we had ever lived we had moved to because of either seminary or Robert's job. I enjoyed most of the places that we lived and all of the experiences. I have wanderlust, so my feet itch and I have liked moving every 6 or 7 years. However, that has left me without any place that has truly felt like home in the deep, abiding sense of the word. However, last week when I awoke in a cold sweat worried about my husband, I had an epiphany. After I was assured of his safety and well-being I fell back asleep at utter peace and in total contentment. I just realized it. Here in central Wisconsin, I am finally home.
This is where we were meant to be. This is place that our life experiences have prepared us for. We have support systems in place through our church, our neighbors, my colleagues, and our friends. Our sons are thriving in school and have a great network of friends as well. We love the community, the four seasons, the activities, and the vibe. It feels so good to finally know that I am home.
The last post on boundaries was about relationships and how important it is to have boundaries with other people to prevent affairs. Likewise it is important to have boundaries about time. Ministry will suck time away from family and the very marrow from one's bones. Here's the trick about vocational ministry--when do you say no? Where do you draw the line? All ministry is good and God wants us to serve and minister to others, right? Not so fast...
Fortunately for us, every church we ever served in made family a priority over work. And as great as ministry is, when you are a pastor,at the end of the day it is a job. It's a job with a calling. A job with eternal consequences, but a job nonetheless. I remember one education pastor telling us during the interview process, "If you don't put your family first and if you can't keep it together at home, you will never be an effective minister. Family has to come first." Those are wise words and have served us well. Our take in the priority line-up is this: God/Jesus, family, church/ministry.
I think it's easy for pastors to get sucked up into busyness=ministry mindset, especially earlier in their careers. Also, many pastors are workaholics, which I personally think is a sin issue in that work and accomplishment at work become an idol. Even good stuff like ministry can become an idol if the focus is on that instead of God. I have heard many PWs complain that their husbands are never home. Sundays, esp. if a church has a morning service (or multiple ones!) and an evening service, are a total wash as far as family time goes. A PW's husband has about two hours at home max on a full Sunday. Wednesdays in a traditional church are the same. Then sometimes there are meetings, small group, deacon/elder meetings, counseling, wedding rehearsals, weddings, funerals, Rotary/Kiwanis stuff, denominational meetings, youth events, senior adult events, choir/orchestra/worship team practice, etc. Many pastors are gone every night during the week. That's simply ridiculous and frankly, unnecessary.
God said it best through His Word--one of the roles of a pastor is to equip and prepare the church members, God's people, for ministry. If the pastor isn't delegating and is trying to do everything himself, then he is forfeiting one of his responsibilities.
Ephesians 4:11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
So if a pastor feels compelled to be at church every time the door is open, he is first and foremost neglecting his calling as a husband and father. Furthermore, he is not upholding his biblical calling to "equip the saints." I get it. I like to be in control too. However, people don't learn how to do ministry without being mentored and then thrust into it. Church members can run meetings and whole ministries, do visitation, organize, plan, etc. It just involves the pastor doing some teaching and then stepping back. I know that when Robert was out of town as a youth minister and I stayed home and attended Wednesday night youth worship, we both were thrilled when the youth and youth workers could run the sound system and powerpoint, lead the worship band, speak, and the clean-up without any assistance from us. I got to see it happen! I didn't help much because I was coming off of work and getting my kids situated. I would just arrive and it all happened because Robert had taken the time to teach them how to do it. Similar things have happened with our church plant. We have to set up from scratch in an elementary school gym each Sunday. Our core group of people move and work together like a fine oil machine even when Robert is gone. It is a thing of beauty!!
In addition to equipping others to minister, pastors need to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritual and be available to their families. There are plenty of biblical precedents for this, but I'll share two.
Moses' father-in-law was a wise man, no?
Exodus 18: 13 The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. 14 When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, "What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?" 15 Moses answered him, "Because the people come to me to seek God's will. 16 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and laws." 17 Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people's representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. 21 But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied."
And modern day pastors think they are busy? Jesus was preaching, teaching, healing, casting out demons, etc., but even He knew that He couldn't do it all and that He was worthless if He didn't spend time refueling through communion with His Father and rest.
Luke 5: 15Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. 16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
Scandalous! Jesus walked away from ministry to meet with His Daddy and talk. There is always one more good, noble, godly thing that any of us could be doing. However, sometimes God wants us to rest. Sometimes He wants us to say NO because He wants someone else to assume the responsibility. Sometimes He wants us to teach someone else to take over the task. If we don't talk to Him, and more importantly, listen to Him, we'll never know.
If you are a church member reading this, check in with your pastor. Make sure that he isn't at the church more than 1-2 evenings a week and that he is making rest and family a priority. Find ways to encourage him to do so, including helping to hook his family up with a babysitter so he can date his wife. Make him REALLY take 2 days off a week in which he doesn't darken the door of the church and in which he only responds to emergency phone calls. (FYI, needing keys to the church, wondering if a certain book is in the church library, and complaining about another church member aren't emergencies).
Pastors and wives, guard and covet time off. Make it non-negotiable. Write it in the planner and consider it as a meeting or event that can't be rescheduled. Spend time playing together as a family, riding bikes, playing a board game, going to a movie. Take naps. Go fishing. Date each other without the kids (you should be able to find great babysitters through your youth group or college ministry) and go on a weekend trip without the kids at least once a year. Use up all of your vacation time. If you can't afford to go somewhere, then do a staycation and visit another church in a neighboring town on Sunday so that you don't sucked into working. Hint: Pastors, it is a big thrill for your wives to actually get to sit next to you in church because it never happens in "real life." Bonus--you get some new ideas and get to see how different places do church.
Guard time for your own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health and make family a priority. You'll last a whole lot longer that way than if you are running on the church hamster wheel.
As previously stated, 30-40% of pastors will have an affair. I wondered how this number compared to the general population. I found varying numbers. I do research for a living, so I know how to do it, but I don't have the time or inclination to do serious peer-reviewed research for my blog (not bringing work home with me). This MSN article will have to suffice in lieu of rigorous research. The gist the "American Sexual Behavior" study of 10,000 people over 20 years is that 22% of married men and 15% of married women have cheated at least once. If the numbers on both sides can be trusted, then pastors cheat twice as much as men in other professions. Hmmmm....
Why does this happen? Why are men in vocational ministry more likely to cheat? I don't know the exact answer, but I have some suspicions. First of all, most ministers are really good listeners. Women like to be listened to and validated. Some women also see pastors are "the perfect man" and put them on an unrealistic pedestal. (Just an FYI, pastors still leave their dirty underwear on the floor and forget to drag the garbage out to the curb on occasion). So women see this ideal man who is a good listener, she admires him and begins to tell him how awesome he is, and...then the conditions are prime.
So what to do? It's all about boundaries. Ministers absolutely have to have boundaries in place for how they interact with others of the opposite sex (or even the same sex, i.e., Ted Haggard), especially in counseling situations. When Robert was at a traditional church, his (our) boundaries were as follows: *Never ride alone in a car with another female. *Always remain visible when counseling, esp. a female. Someone else had to be in the outer office and he had an open window in his office door so anyone could walk by and see what was going on. *Never allow another female in the house when I wasn't home (even a random youth who dropped by just to say hi) *He always informed me when he had a conversation with a female friend--not a quick "Hi, how are you?" conversation, but a real conversation. *All phone calls and texting to females were information-sharing and not just chatting. *We both have total access to each other's email, cellphones, FB, etc. and know each other's passwords. We generally don't check up on each other, but we know that we can do so very easily. *He trusted and respected my intuition and input re: "dangerous women."
Those boundaries were all legalistic and worked well. Normally legalism is a bad thing, but sometimes there is something to be said for ironclad rules. In a large church they worked. I suppose I had similar boundaries (i.e., not riding in a car, random chats, etc. with men) except that I worked 100% with other women and really was only around other guys in the context of our couple friends so it was a non-issue. The only time it became an issue is that WITHOUT FAIL, every time Robert went out of town for a youth event some major home repair need occurred. Once our electric garage door just started going up and down repeatedly and out of control and another time the kitchen sink backed up. I called our senior pastor to help tame the garage door and our across the street neighbor came and snaked out my sink. So those time there was a male in the house with my husband out of town, but the kids were there too and Robert knew about it. I'm sure if someone had been staking out the house they could have started all sorts of rumors.
Anyway, the list from above is pretty typical among many pastors. However, there are those who don't have established boundaries or change them. I have known of several situations in which the wife feels uncomfortable with how much time her pastor-husband is spending with another female church or staff member and/or the level of intimacy (inc. phone calls, emails) with another female. Anytime the wife feels uncomfortable then the husband needs to cease and desist!! Find another person to counsel the woman, block the woman's needy phone calls, whatever. We females have some powerful God-given intuition and we know (truly) how manipulative other women can be. Personally, I have never been too concerned about this yet, mostly because Robert has always been super vigilant about not putting himself in potentially compromising situations. However, there have been a few women that made my chick radar go off. A couple of them were emotionally needy and one of them was just bad news and a user.
However, now Robert is a church planter and I work in an environment with a lot of men. The rules have had to change and adapt. Robert no longer has an office, except at home. He no longer has a secretary or co-workers to be an extra person around for accountability when counseling. I work full-time so I can't be that extra person either. Most of the counseling either occurs at our house at night when I am around or more likely, at the local coffee shop or the student union at the university. Robert works out of the coffee shop several hours a day and they all know him there. I don't go nearly as often, but when I have gone he introduced me to everyone and said, "If you see me here with someone other than my wife then let her know." I then responded that he probably would be there with someone other than me, but it was okay. When Robert does meet with another female in public he lets me know and he usually has the person bring a friend along.
Speech pathology is an overwhelmingly female field, but academia is not. I am on several committees and a board of directors with other guys and I have been involved in a couple of research projects with just me and another guy. Again, any meetings have occurred in our offices with either open doors or windows and Robert knows about everything. We've had to adjust and modify our rules as we've gone along, but we still stay accountable to each other and let each other know our dealings with people of the opposite sex.
I have been involved in a couple of different forums for pastors' wives and the issue of boundaries is often discussed. I have heard some women say that you absolutely can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex and that if you have to work with opposite gendered people then you should never share feelings or emotions. Everything should stay very "surface."
One of my all-time favorite movies is When Harry Met Sally. Harry would agree that men and women can't be friends.
Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
I don't think that's entirely true. However, I think there can potentially be a grain of truth there. I do think that it is unwise to have close intimate friends of the opposite sex. I always had some deep wonderful friendships in high school and college with guys. They were some of my most treasured friendships. These were guys with whom I could hang out and talk for hours and that I trusted with my deepest secrets and dreams. And they were platonic. However, they were very intimate in the emotional depth of those friendships and that's no really appropriate within the realm of marriage. I think that friends of the opposite sex either have to be "couple friends" or a friend who is a mutual friend of the husband and the wife.
Regarding surface relationships, one can only talk about the weather so much. If I am talking with someone at church, frequently (and rightly so) spiritual issues should come up in conversation and those are very deep conversations, usually with significant emotion attached. Similarly, when I am at work I am in a double-barreled helping profession as both a speech pathologist and a teacher. Everyone I work with, and in fact every professor I have ever met, is VERY passionate about what he/she does. That automatically leads to deeper conversations about ideology, beliefs, passion, justice, causes, emotional attributes, etc. Combine that with the fact that I work alongside these people at least 40 hours a week and it inevitable that we talk about our families, our successes and failures, our challenges and dreams. And Robert did the same with his male and female colleagues when he worked in a large traditional church. If you are human and relational, it's unavoidable. I think we can be open and share, but that there is a filter in place. If I had a fight with my husband or we were having marital problems, then I would certainly never discuss that with another guy. That's just being smart.
We also have to be aware of people around us and of accidentally sending out mixed messages. I did have an incident a few months ago where I was speaking at a conference. During the breaks and the application part of the workshop this guy kept coming up to talk to me. At first it was related to the topic of the presentation, but then it got more personal. I noticed he was standing closer and making more eye contact and just coming up with stupid things to talk about. I'm a little slow, because it has been a long time since a guy other than my husband has made a move, but I finally figured out what was going on. I had already stepped back and starting crossing my arms and sending "back off" body language. Once the lightbulb went off then I started flashing my wedding band a lot and saying, "my husband" this and "my husband" that.
Bottom line is that ministerial couples have to set boundaries. There needs to be a little wiggle room, but overall the boundaries need to be pretty tight. And unless one partner is obsessively jealous or has some significant trust issues, then they should trust each other's intuition and nip potential problems in the bud. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. (Matthew 10:16b)
Marriage 101 was about a man's needs in marriage, so it's only fair that this is about a woman's needs. These are also taken from Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs. In the previous post, I mentioned that in the book the premise is affair-proofing one's marriage. This is true for anyone's marriage, but the stats in the other post suggest that pastors are at a high risk of infidelity. And infidelity is a two-way street...the wife is at risk as well. So, according to Harley, here are a woman's top 5 needs.
1. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection I find it interesting that a man's first need was sex and a woman's highest need is affection. They are certainly related, but not quite the same. Merriam-Webster defines affection as 1 : a moderate feeling or emotion 2 : tender attachment : fondness 5 : the feeling aspect (as in pleasure) of consciousness. Personally, I think of affection as being every day small ways of showing love. It can be physical, such as snuggling, kissing, holding hands, etc. or not, such as playful teasing and flirting. It is a "symptom" of attachment and fondness. While woman want affection, I think men enjoy it too. However, the difference is that they often see it as a means to an end (sex) perhaps, whereas women want affection just for the sake of affection sometimes. Women want to know that they can dance in the kitchen with their husbands and snuggle on the couch without it ALWAYS having a "Hey Baby" connotation. I do think when couples touch a lot, joke often, and make eyes at each other across the room that it often will lead to sex, but the key is that it doesn't have to. Men need to embrace the art of non-sexual touch. There is something to be said for a tight long hug, holding hands, and even a passionate make-out session that doesn't end up in the bedroom.
I also think we have to consider personal backgrounds here. Robert is a toucher. He is a very physically affectionate person and he was raised in a touchy household. I am not a toucher and I came from a family that was not particularly physically affectionate. When we married (and even while dating) constantly being touched annoyed the heck out of me. 25 years later we have reached a compromise. For example, when we would hold hands Robert would usually stroke my finger with his thumb or run his hand up and down my arm--drives me crazy (and not in a good way). However, I do like just holding hands or him resting his hand on my arm or even gently squeezing my arm. No movement, but pressure, warmth, and simple touch are okay. All of that to say, I think both partners have to consider the other's perspective on touch and physical affection. Affection can also be a good barometer, at least for me. It took me a few years to make the connection, but Robert touches me every single time he walks past me. I'm not exaggerating. If I'm cooking he might hug me from behind, if I am sitting down doing something he is likely to kiss me on the head. At the very least he will touch my back or arm or shoulder. But, if he doesn't...I know his is irritated at me or mad at me. It is a very reliable indicator for me.
I suppose that what couples call each other is a show of affection as well. Personally though, I hate pet names. They make my skin crawl. The only name that we both call each other is Babes. I have no idea why we add the extra "s," but we do. We also can't call each other our real names--it just feels weird. I think it is because we are more intimate so we can't use the same names that everyone else uses for us. So Robert always calls me Pamela (which only a handful of friends, past and present, call me) and sometimes Cutie and I called him Bob (which no one is allowed to call him), Bobster, and Roberto/Robertolus. For others of you, you may call each other Honey, Sweetie, Snooky-pie face, whatever floats your boat. I'll just vomit in my mouth a little when I hear it. However one word of caution: NEVER, EVER call each other Mama or Daddy. You are not each other's parent. You are only the parents of your children. We once read a marriage book that talked about how spouses sometimes call each other mama and daddy and that it can be an indicator that the marriage is not going well. I doubt that it is entirely true, but anytime Robert and I hear couples refer to themselves that way when out and about we look at each other and laugh. That's affection!
2. She Needs Him To Talk To Her - Conversation This is a big one for me! I love to talk (cue jokes on women and talking now). I've done a lot of cool things, been to a lot of interesting places, but hands-down my best life experiences are deep conversations with people I love and care about. Obviously as a general rule women do like to talk, but I don't think we want to talk AT you. We want to talk WITH you. It is so important for a man to engage in conversation with his wife and really listen. That means turning off the TV, putting down the book, and making eye contact and asking questions. We want your thoughts and input. We like what you have to say. That's part of what attracted us to you. However, sometimes we just want to vent and be validated. We don't want you to tell us what to do and how to solve the problem. Just listen. So, sometimes we want your input and sometimes just your ears---when do you know to do which one? I can't help you there. I'll be the first to admit that women are inconsistent creatures and there's no making sense of us. Just accept it, maybe embrace it, and keep trying anyway.
Here's a great little clip from 30 Rock about "Porn for Women." Basically, porn for women is a man who will talk and listen.
One more very important thing that I would like to say about conversation is regarding topics of conversation. Sometimes when Robert and I go out to eat, we will look around the restaurant at couples in their 30s and older and notice that there is not much conversation happening. I would also bet that a lot of the conversations that are happening in the 40 and under set are about children. Of course you need to talk about your children sometimes. However, a date alone together is not the time. Personally, it is essential for me to have a man who reads, thinks, and has great intellectual curiosity. I am a voracious reader and I am always learning new things. I need someone to bounce ideas with, deconstruct thoughts with, and yes, even argue with in the literary sense of the word. I love debate and wrestling with new concepts and looking at things in a new and different way. Thankfully I have a husband who reads, listens to NPR, and loves to learn. What would we talk about otherwise. Currently whenever we are together we talk nonstop and we are the first people that we want to share everything with.
3. She Needs To Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Open-ness Not much to comment on here as I think this is a no-brainer. Women need a stand-up man. One who keeps his word, is reliable, and is worthy of trust. One who comes home when he says he'll be home, one who has boundaries in ministry, and one who is honest in all relationships.
4. She Needs Enough Money To Live Comfortably - Financial Support I take a little bit of issue with this one. I personally don't think this is one of my top 5 needs. For one thing, my profession pays more than ministry and is in high demand. I am comfortable that I can go out and make a living at any time and I don't have to depend on a man to provide that for me. I know that thought may be emasculating to many men, but my husband knows I am pretty headstrong and independent and it's okay with him. However, he has been the sole or primary provider financially for about 75% of our marriage. It has always been comforting to know that he does provide well for our family. However, in seasons of life like seminary and church planting, I am needed to assume much more financial support and that's okay too. We have had to balance things out based on what's going on in life and what God has called us to at a particular time. It was intentional that I got my master's degree before Robert went to seminary because we knew that I could work and financially support us. As a result we never had to take out a single student loan and he graduated debt free, as did I. God certainly knew what He was doing by having me "accidentally" end up back in school working on my doctorate at the same time we started praying about church planting.
The key thing about ministry that all couples should be wise about before taking the plunge is that it isn't particularly lucrative. I'm going to talk about finances in a separate post because I think it's an important issue. I think it's more important that a woman feel okay with her husband's work ethic and calling, than be okay with the finances. I guess the part of this need that kind of rubs me the wrong way is that she needs enough money to "live comfortably." I think we Americans have a very skewed and warped view of living comfortably and I don't know that our comfort is God's priority. We have traveled pretty extensively and been to some very impoverished countries like Belarus, Nicaragua, Honduras, and Mexico and it has radically changed our priorities. My dream used to be some beautifully decorated McMansion-type house with beautiful hardwood floors, granite countertops, gourmet kitchen, and two new cars. That stuff doesn't really matter to me so much anymore (although I would like hardwood floors and an ergonomic kitchen) and I know that even at our lowest financial state we lived so, so far above most of the people in the world. Instead of enough money to live comfortably, I would suggest that enough money to meet needs, plus a little extra, without significant worry would be enough. That's just my opinion though.
5. She Needs Him To Be A Good Father - Family Commitment There's not much that is sexier than a man rocking a baby, carrying a toddler on his shoulders, or tossing a baseball with his son. Women don't want to do the parenting thing alone. They need an involved partner who shares in the joys and heartbreak of parenting. Someone who will take a turn consoling a screaming infant, someone who will help clean the up-the-back and out-the-legholes explosive diaper, and someone who will say "Let's be really quiet and make pancakes so Mommy can sleep." In my role as a speech pathologist over the years I have always admired the families in which the dad sometimes brought the kids to therapy, played with the kids in the waiting room, and showed himself to be an involved and nurturing father. Unfortunately it is the exception rather than the rule. However, God created families and He designed and special place for both mothers and fathers.
I have worked with kids all of my adult life and spent my teen years as a frequent babysitter. I have always been comfortable with kids of all ages. However, this teenager stuff, esp. dating and driving, has really thrown me for a loop. I am way out of my comfort zone. I am so thankful for a husband whose youth minister experience comes in handy! He is a genius with our teenage boys. He is good about helping me chill out about some things and helping set boundaries/standards on others. I am so thankful that he is my partner in crime.
A couple more things: I think Harley left off a couple. Maybe I'm crazy or just more needy than I want to admit, but I have a few extra "needs."
1. Romance Just like we can't give up on trying to look attractive just because we "caught them," guys need to continue to romance us. Just because we put their ring on our finger doesn't mean that romance is dead. Maybe this goes along with affection, but I think it is a little different. Romance means sending flowers for no reason at all. It means that the guy initiates and plans the occasional date, right down to arranging for the babysitter. Romance is flirting with each other, writing love notes, and all of the other goofy wooing behavior that occurs during the dating phase. This is why chicks like romantic comedies--we like the wooing part!
My husband does pretty darn well in this regard. I'll share two of his more stellar moments just to jog the male creative juices. The traditional gift from ages ago for the first anniversary is paper. I had no idea that Robert knew this, but somehow he did. So my first anniversary gift was paper. Most guys are thinking, "How lame." However, first of all I'm not the kind of girl who is impressed by clothes, jewelry, or expensive things. I'm pretty cheap and easy in the gift department. The card and the giftwrap are actually more important than the gift to me. But this gift contained several types of paper. I can't remember them all, but two of them were newspaper and a fine linen paper from a stationary store. In the box with the paper was a letter explaining why he thought paper was the traditional gift. He wrote about how I kept him informed and enlightened like the newspaper and added refinement and class to his life like the expensive paper. It was a very romantic and thoughtful gift.
The other moment was which in which he had arranged a night out for us. He had contacted a babysitter and we were going out to dinner. I was all dressed and ready. About 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave he said that he had to run up to church because he had forgotten to take care of something. I was so stinking mad! We were supposed to go out, I was ready, and here he was going to do some work. Hmph!! While I was stewing at home and not really wanting to go out with him, the babysitter arrived. As I opened the door I noticed she had two boxes in her hands. She gave them to me and there was a note. Robert had arranged the whole thing with her. In one box was an awesome little black dress and the other one contained *ahem* little black underthings. He had left to give me time to change and then he took me out to a much fancier restaurant than we typically would have gone to. I got over my anger and we had a great night.
2. Adventure I think most women like consistency. I, however, am very easily bored. I crave adventure, excitement, and change. I like to go, do, and experience. In fact, boredom was my biggest fear with marriage. I knew I loved my husband, but I wondered how we could spend a lifetime together without getting bored. We started dating in 11th grade and dated throughout college without ever breaking up. However, I had a period of time during my junior year of college when I contemplated dating other people just because I was freaked out about the boredom thing. I worked through it and told him about it later...maybe even after we were married.
If I had a husband who wanted to sit at home and embrace the status quo I think I would be quite discontent. Now Robert is generally more of a homebody than I am, but he still likes to go out and have adventures. We are always trying out new hobbies, learning to eat new foods, and going new places.He is also comfortable enough to let me go on solo adventures. I have been on three Operation Smile missions (two to Nicaragua and one to Honduras) and a trip to Brazil without him. Similarly, he has been to Belarus and several trips to Nicaragua without me. This is because we currently don't have a money tree so sometimes we have to take turns. We have grown and changed and challenged each other throughout the years. Since I'm not bored after 26 years, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the future.
3. Protection and Handyness These are different, but kind of relate. I need to feel like my man is going to protect me and keep me safe. This was especially important when we lived in Baton Rouge during the time of Derrick Todd Lee, a serial killer. He killed several women in Baton Rouge who were near my age/build/hair color and some murders happened near our neighborhood and near LSU. It was a time of intense paranoia and fear throughout the city. I am not normally a scaredy cat and I was terrified. I was a near basketcase when Robert had to go out of town. It was very important to feel safe and protected by him. Also, protection goes into the house as well--needing a man who can fix broken garbage disposals, change spark plugs, put in a ceiling fan, and patch a hole in the wall. I know plenty of women who have to call a handyman for such stuff. I'm do glad that I married a man who can take care of most home repair jobs....although I was very nervous when we wanted to replace a gasline. Some jobs are best left to professionals.
