My husband, now a church planter/lead pastor, was a youth minister for about 19 years. We have had a lot of youth and college students move in and out of our lives over the years, not to mention that our current church is in a college town. We have also received lots of letters and email asking us to give money to many short term missions projects that many of these students participate in. Are we excited that these young adults are broadening their world vision, challenging themselves, and serving the Lord? Absolutely! We enjoy reading about 90% of these letters from former youth and hearing about what God is doing in their lives. We support all of them in prayer and a few of them financially. We generally don't give much, because frankly we get 15-20 of these letters a year. However, we do enjoy keeping up with these guys. However, there are about 10% of the letters that drive us crazy. These usually come from either: (a) People whose lives we were only marginally involved in and don't really know and/or (b) People who have attended our church once or twice, want to meet Robert for a coffee a couple of times, and then go in for the sales pitch. They are forming a "relationship" for the sole purpose of asking us for money in the future. These students sometimes ask for missions money, but more often than not as asking us to support their involvement in parachurch ministries. Disclaimer: We do support parachurch ministries. In fact, we give monthly to support a local leader of a parachurch ministry. However, this is someone with whom we have an ongoing relationship in which both parties are mutually invested.
Anyway, those 10-percenters who are just asking for money tend to drive us crazy. (If you are wondering if you are one of these...chances are, you aren't. The people who do this either are totally oblivious and/or don't really care). They always start off the letter, phone call, email, visit, with really wanting to know how we are doing. Only...they don't. If they really wanted to know how we were doing they would keep in touch. They launch immediately into their pitch, which contains an awful lot of "Is" and "Mes" and tell us all of the wonderful things that they are doing. They through in a lot of religious jargon and count things like buying Tom's shoes as ministry involvement. Then they ask for money and if we say no, they ask us for other people to contact. Sorry. If you annoy us, we are certainly not going to send you to our friends too.
So, I decided to make a snarky Xtranormal video to convey these interactions.(Caveat: This is my first time making one of these videos. I had no idea that the stick people I chose would be filmed in profile. Stick people are 2-dimensional and don't have much of a profile. Live and learn)
Video
Now that was an exaggeration of the scenario, but not by much.
Short-term missions experiences are awesome! I went to California for 3 months after my freshman year in college as a summer missionary in the San Francisco Bay area and it totally changed my life. My marriage, career, and life plans were sealed that summer. Since then I have done trips to minister to the homeless in inner city Fort Worth and to work with children in Nicaragua on multiple occasions. However, we have to be honest, the day in and day out workers are the real heroes. Summer missionaries or short-term missions are helpful, but they are also a lot of work for the real ministers. And part of doing a mission trip is the excitement of going to a place you may have never been or working with people that you wouldn't dare hang out with in your own community in real life. I think the thing that is bigger than the work we do on short-term missions projects is the personal, internal change that results. Working with homeless people in Fort Worth helped me to invite real live homeless people over for dinner at my house in Baton Rouge. Working with refugees and illegal aliens from Central America when we lived in Missouri helped me to become an advocate for these people. We have to bring what we learn back home and make it personal. Otherwise, it's just a vacation.
Anyway, back to the money issue.
True confession--I am not a natural giver. In fact, I am pretty selfish and have to wrestle with it daily. I have trouble loaning you my favorite pen and worrying that I'll get it back, so when you ask me for money that's a whole different level of giving. However, my husband has taught me much about sacrificial giving and I am still growing in this area. Part of my problem with giving to short-term missions though comes from my denomination. While I don't agree with every single thing that the Southern Baptist Convention is about, I do wholeheartedly believe that we have the best missions organizations of any denomination, hands down. Every church gives to the Cooperative Program which funds career missionaries, short-term missions, and seminary training, among other things. When I was a summer missionary to California I didn't have to ask anyone for money because the SBC paid my airfare and orientation expenses, local church members housed and fed me, and I even got a stipend. At the same time, my husband was a summer missionary in inner city Detroit. He went through the Alabama SBC, so the state association paid his expenses and stipend. We have friends who are SBC career missionaries in Peru, Ukraine, and Russia. The SBC paid for a year of language school, several months of cultural preparation, relocation expenses, and their salaries. They are able to spend their time doing ministry instead of drumming up support and asking for money. Because this is the system that I know, it is very counter-cultural to me personally for the money asking. That doesn't mean I won't do it. It just means that I know that it can be done a different way.
So, please do keep sending us your letters. Just keep in touch in between too, okay? We really do love you, are excited for your opportunities to serve and to be changed.We might send you encouragement letters or a care package. We just don't want to be used.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: Perks
Often times I hear pastors' wives complain. Complain about everyone's expectations of how they should act, complain about about the lack of money, complain about how often their husbands are at church, and complain about ___________ (insert gripe here). Our current church is the fourth one we have served in since being married. I don't think that we have been involved in freak-of-nature churches. They have all had some good and some bad. However, I really haven't "too" much to complain about. Yes, there are some irritating people (aka heavenly sandpaper) at church, but those people are at all churches. Frankly, they are everywhere--not just at church. We knew how much Robert was going to get paid when we agreed to go to a church and he didn't go into the profession to make tons of money, so that hasn't been an issue. My husband has a good concept of priorities and boundaries and he has put his family before his job, so that hasn't been a problem. I have had moments of frustration with being married to a pastor, but really not too much to complain about. I'd be frustrated on occasion if he were a doctor on call, or a businessman who traveled, or a police officer who risked his life each day. There are gripes, complaints, and trade-offs in every occupation.
What no one ever talks about is the perks...and there are a lot of them. Let me describe a few that we have had over the years:
*In Texas, we had an older couple in the church who babysit a 9-month-old Adam ALL DAY LONG for free while we prepared to move to Missouri. They also fed us lunch and supper. They helped us with a million little things like home improvement, meals, etc. and we just a huge source of encouragement for us. They are now in their 80s and we still get a Christmas card from them every year.
*In Missouri, we needed to travel from SW Missouri to Abilene, TX and while we had a 4 door sedan, it was a compact car. Our boys were a year old and just shy of 4 years at the time. We had a church member voluntary loan (and insist) that we take his new Suburban to Texas. We had enough room to pack all of our baby paraphernalia and ride in comfort. This same person was an ER physician. Once my husband had bilateral pneumonia AND influenza at the same time. Our infant and preschool-aged sons also had double ear infections and bronchiolitis. I was overwhelmed with breathing treatments and medication schedules. Dr. Church Member (CM) came over to our house every day for a week, giving Robert antibiotic and steroid shots. He then had to wait around for about 30 minutes to make sure that Robert didn't have a reaction to the megadoses of drugs. Robert would have easily ended up in the hospital if it hadn't been for our friend doing housecalls and going above and beyond the call of duty, all gratis. He was ministering to us in significant ways.
*In Louisiana, we had church members give us their vacation/retirement cabin in North Carolina for a week so that we could have a vacation. It was a beautiful modern log cabin with three bedrooms, a stocked kitchen, all sorts of video/DVD equipment and movies, and a huge wraparound porch all on rolling hills with a stream running through the property. It was in the middle of nowhere on the NC/VA border, but a very short drive to Boone. It was one of our best family vacations ever! The kind where you come back actually rested. We slept late, napped, canoed, swam, fished, and just enjoyed time together. We picnicked on a large flat rock in the stream. The boys were pretty young and spent one entire day throwing rocks in a river. It was a free respite. Our only requirement was to sign the guest book and to pray over the house for the next people who would stay there. You see, these people used their vacation home as a ministry and offered free throughout the year to ministers and their families. What a blessing!
These are some big examples, but there are a million other smaller perks. We got discounted dental visits in Texas. We got free veterinary care in Louisiana from a church member and paid cost for meds. I had to see a CM cardiologist in Louisiana and he didn't charge for the full EKG/stress-test workup, even though I had insurance. We've had church member as realtors and they have given us discounts on their percentage. We've had people keep our kids for free so we could have weekend getaways when our kids were little and we had no family living near. We've had people house and host us at their houses when we have gone back for visits. We've gotten gift cards, tickets to concerts and sporting events, meals paid for, and surplus from people's gardens. We've been taken to the river, to New Orleans, to state parks, and on other grand adventures by people in our churches. We've had people bring meals when our babies were born or when I had surgery. We've had people offer to run interference or take on jobs that weren't theirs during tough times. My kids have gotten to hang out for the day playing video games with Ten Shekel Shirt. Jeremy Camp came over to our house and took a shower after playing a concert.
In addition to things that church members have done for us, we got a free week at a bed and breakfast in Amish Country, Ohio through Pastors Retreat Network. This was a weeklong retreat for spiritual renewal that was absolutely awesome and is supported by donations. Churches have paid the way for my husband to get to do mission work in Belarus and Nicaragua, as well as sent us both to conferences and times of renewal and rest.
So there you have the secret scoop--the stuff that no one tells you. There are many little and big perks to serving in ministry. Sure there are irritations, as with any job, but there are so many incredible ways that we have been blessed by too many people over the years to even count.
What no one ever talks about is the perks...and there are a lot of them. Let me describe a few that we have had over the years:
*In Texas, we had an older couple in the church who babysit a 9-month-old Adam ALL DAY LONG for free while we prepared to move to Missouri. They also fed us lunch and supper. They helped us with a million little things like home improvement, meals, etc. and we just a huge source of encouragement for us. They are now in their 80s and we still get a Christmas card from them every year.
*In Missouri, we needed to travel from SW Missouri to Abilene, TX and while we had a 4 door sedan, it was a compact car. Our boys were a year old and just shy of 4 years at the time. We had a church member voluntary loan (and insist) that we take his new Suburban to Texas. We had enough room to pack all of our baby paraphernalia and ride in comfort. This same person was an ER physician. Once my husband had bilateral pneumonia AND influenza at the same time. Our infant and preschool-aged sons also had double ear infections and bronchiolitis. I was overwhelmed with breathing treatments and medication schedules. Dr. Church Member (CM) came over to our house every day for a week, giving Robert antibiotic and steroid shots. He then had to wait around for about 30 minutes to make sure that Robert didn't have a reaction to the megadoses of drugs. Robert would have easily ended up in the hospital if it hadn't been for our friend doing housecalls and going above and beyond the call of duty, all gratis. He was ministering to us in significant ways.
*In Louisiana, we had church members give us their vacation/retirement cabin in North Carolina for a week so that we could have a vacation. It was a beautiful modern log cabin with three bedrooms, a stocked kitchen, all sorts of video/DVD equipment and movies, and a huge wraparound porch all on rolling hills with a stream running through the property. It was in the middle of nowhere on the NC/VA border, but a very short drive to Boone. It was one of our best family vacations ever! The kind where you come back actually rested. We slept late, napped, canoed, swam, fished, and just enjoyed time together. We picnicked on a large flat rock in the stream. The boys were pretty young and spent one entire day throwing rocks in a river. It was a free respite. Our only requirement was to sign the guest book and to pray over the house for the next people who would stay there. You see, these people used their vacation home as a ministry and offered free throughout the year to ministers and their families. What a blessing!
These are some big examples, but there are a million other smaller perks. We got discounted dental visits in Texas. We got free veterinary care in Louisiana from a church member and paid cost for meds. I had to see a CM cardiologist in Louisiana and he didn't charge for the full EKG/stress-test workup, even though I had insurance. We've had church member as realtors and they have given us discounts on their percentage. We've had people keep our kids for free so we could have weekend getaways when our kids were little and we had no family living near. We've had people house and host us at their houses when we have gone back for visits. We've gotten gift cards, tickets to concerts and sporting events, meals paid for, and surplus from people's gardens. We've been taken to the river, to New Orleans, to state parks, and on other grand adventures by people in our churches. We've had people bring meals when our babies were born or when I had surgery. We've had people offer to run interference or take on jobs that weren't theirs during tough times. My kids have gotten to hang out for the day playing video games with Ten Shekel Shirt. Jeremy Camp came over to our house and took a shower after playing a concert.
In addition to things that church members have done for us, we got a free week at a bed and breakfast in Amish Country, Ohio through Pastors Retreat Network. This was a weeklong retreat for spiritual renewal that was absolutely awesome and is supported by donations. Churches have paid the way for my husband to get to do mission work in Belarus and Nicaragua, as well as sent us both to conferences and times of renewal and rest.
So there you have the secret scoop--the stuff that no one tells you. There are many little and big perks to serving in ministry. Sure there are irritations, as with any job, but there are so many incredible ways that we have been blessed by too many people over the years to even count.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: A Different Kind of Easter
Jesus' crown
It's Easter morning at 9:21 and I am still in my pajamas and now sitting at the computer to type in my blog. This is radically different from Easters past. I have been married to a pastor for about 18 years. (We've actually been married for almost 21 years, but for a couple of those he was an insurance adjuster and a full-time seminary student). We have done the mega-church thing. Did that for almost 7 years. At one time being in a mega-church was our dream. The pinnacle of ministry success. Not so much anymore.
We planted Tapestry church 2.5 years ago. It is an intentional small community. When we grow to a couple of hundred people, we will purposefully split and form a new church. We don't want to get big. Our strength is in the fact that we are small. Everyone knows everyone. It's quite evident when we have visitors. And we do have visitors...a lot! There have been times when our visitors have outnumbered our regular members/attenders. Part of our appeal is the small intimate community. Of course, it is a drawback for others who would prefer to come and sit anonymously in a large church. I have been at that place in my life as well. There are other churches in the community to fit all sorts of needs and preferences.
We also meet at night. We have no morning service at all. I LOVE that! Since we moved from the deep south to the frozen tundra I have worked full-time for the first time since our boys have been born. I relish my weekends and my time with my family. Sunday mornings are now a day for sleeping late and hanging out with my family. A real Sabbath...in a pastor's family. Imagine that! My husband is good about studying and preparing his sermon during the week. Usually he may spend an extra hour or so tweaking his powerpoint or printing out bulletins (we have no secretary), but usually he's not running around in a panic. He heads up to the school where we meet at about 3:30 and I go up between 4:30-5:30 depending on various things. Our service is at 6:00 and we have to be out by 8:00. He does not spend all of Sunday at church anymore, coming home exhausted.
In other churches, he might have to attend as many as 4-5 services on Easter: sunrise service, the three usual Sunday morning services, and maybe another evening service. He'd be at home for a couple of hours for lunch and that was it. When the kids were little, I had to get them ready and dressed extra fancy all by myself. Invariably, someone would have an exploding diaper or spit up sour milk on me and it was back to the drawing board. I was rarely in a worshipful mood on Easter morning after getting everyone dressed, putting them in carseats, lugging around diaper bags, and dealing with chocolate bunny overdrive. In addition to Easter morning, there were also always cantatas and Maundy Thursday and/or Good Friday services. It was a busy, busy week. Sometimes in our busyness I think we can overlook the reality. We can neglect to take time to consider it all. We can forget to be amazed...and humbled...and loved by the miracle of Easter.
Jesus hung between two thieves.
Just this morning I was telling my husband that while I am so thankful today for a risen Saviour, I am also thankful for a real day to celebrate that. Not a day full of religious obligations and spiritual busyness, but a day to contemplate, rest, and rejoice. Yes, it does feel weird not to go to a sunrise service. Even though I am very much not a morning person, that was always one of my favorite services. Robert discussed having a sunrise service with our leadership team and everyone was in agreement that we would just be doing it to do it. We're not about activity for the sake of activity. It's also nice, since we have a large percentage of college students at our church, that they can go home and spend the weekend with their families and still make it back to worship with us tonight. That wasn't part of the original grand plan to have church at night, but it has worked out so well that way. People can boat, fish, travel, and still make it back for church in the evening.
Our budget doesn't increase for Easter. We don't spend tens of thousands of dollars on an Easter cantata. On a personal level, nobody really buys new clothes for Easter because we are a very casual church...and it's still too cold to wear springish clothes anyway. We don't have extra programming. No Easter egg hunts, no new banners, no Easter lilies. During Holy Week, we do one big service project together (one year, painting at the Salvation Army Hope Center; this year, serving a meal at Place of Peace), we have a quiet reflective Tenebrae service that involves candles, a guitar, bass, and drums, and then our usual Sunday evening service. Jesus will be celebrated indeed! However, no one will be too exhausted or obligated to participate in the celebration.
Another thing we have had is various members of church do different interpretations of the events leading up to Jesus' crucifixion. There were two stations each week with the scripture and some artistic means of representing it. These ranged from sewing to painting to photography, etc. It has been so meaningful to have different people demonstrating different scriptures in various ways. It also gets so many more people involved in leading worship. We'll have all 12 stations tonight to look at once more in chronological order. Can't wait!
Today the Pam of the past would have a beautiful new dress, would have already been to a sunrise service, sitting in a second service, and preparing for Sunday school, while having her mind otherwise thinking about how she was going to get lunch ready in time. Instead, earlier this week I have been able to thoughtfully contemplate the sacrifice of Christ, His love for me, and the debt He paid. Today, as the sun streams through the windows, I have been rejoicing at the fact that He defeated death. In a little bit I will start working on lunch (I just have to do the sides because Robert is home to smoke a brisket!) and then I'll take a nap. We will end the day in joyful celebration of our risen Saviour with our church family this evening. Simple church...what's not to love?
Blessed Easter to you and yours!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: What a great idea...
As any pastor's wife knows, there are a lot of people in a church who come up with laundry lists of things that the church should do or needs to do or ought to do. However, the secret translation of Susie Q-concerned-and-involved-Church Member's statement, "Our church really needs to do X. It would be such a great ministry," is "Why don't you start and coordinate X because I want it to happen, but I don't want to do the work." Basically they are saying, "I have a great idea...for you to implement."
This wonderful, refreshing, and astounding thing about our 2 year old church plant is that this never happens. Ever. Instead people say things like:
*Would it be okay if I get everything organized so that we can participate in the community-wide "Make a Difference" Day?
So one 23-year-old who was not yet a believer (that has since changed, glory to God!) got us registered with the city, made sign up sheets, contacted everyone, and here was the result. We raked 3 different yards of people unable to do so and had a great time together doing it...in the rain even!
...or this
*Hey Robert, since we always have a cookout and party every time someone is baptized and you do all of the shopping, why don't you just let me handle it?
And so one of our patriarchs took another college student with him and they bought all of the food and saved my husband a lot of time and headache. Not only that, but these particular baptisms took place outside in a river...in the fall...in Wisconsin. This means it was cold! It was cold for those of us who didn't get in the water and even colder for those who did. So, this wonderful gentleman at our church and his accomplice not only bought and cooked the food to grill out, but he purchased a camp stove (with his own money) and they made two huge pots of soup. What a blessing!
...and then
*Would it be okay if we went caroling to a nursing home? Then I was thinking that we could come back to church a little early and all eat chili together. Then this family, who has only been attending our church since August coordinated the caroling, had everyone sign up for chili and the fixings, provided song books and music, and organized the meeting times and places. My husband and I did nothing but make a pot of chili like everyone else and then we showed up.
Caroling
Chili eating
Wow! I've been married to a pastor for 20 years and in no church before have I ever seen the body of Christ really use their different giftings and serve in such a wonderful way. And these are only a few examples. We had a college student couple organize day for us to clean up the playground at a Section 8 housing complex and play with the children there. We had people take over nursery duty, set up policies and guidelines, and coordinate that. People volunteer to make homemade goodies for the hospitality table week after week after week.
Indeed we arespoiled very blessed and challenged by these wonderful people!
This wonderful, refreshing, and astounding thing about our 2 year old church plant is that this never happens. Ever. Instead people say things like:
*Would it be okay if I get everything organized so that we can participate in the community-wide "Make a Difference" Day?
So one 23-year-old who was not yet a believer (that has since changed, glory to God!) got us registered with the city, made sign up sheets, contacted everyone, and here was the result. We raked 3 different yards of people unable to do so and had a great time together doing it...in the rain even!
...or this
*Hey Robert, since we always have a cookout and party every time someone is baptized and you do all of the shopping, why don't you just let me handle it?
And so one of our patriarchs took another college student with him and they bought all of the food and saved my husband a lot of time and headache. Not only that, but these particular baptisms took place outside in a river...in the fall...in Wisconsin. This means it was cold! It was cold for those of us who didn't get in the water and even colder for those who did. So, this wonderful gentleman at our church and his accomplice not only bought and cooked the food to grill out, but he purchased a camp stove (with his own money) and they made two huge pots of soup. What a blessing!
...and then
*Would it be okay if we went caroling to a nursing home? Then I was thinking that we could come back to church a little early and all eat chili together. Then this family, who has only been attending our church since August coordinated the caroling, had everyone sign up for chili and the fixings, provided song books and music, and organized the meeting times and places. My husband and I did nothing but make a pot of chili like everyone else and then we showed up.
Caroling
Chili eating
Wow! I've been married to a pastor for 20 years and in no church before have I ever seen the body of Christ really use their different giftings and serve in such a wonderful way. And these are only a few examples. We had a college student couple organize day for us to clean up the playground at a Section 8 housing complex and play with the children there. We had people take over nursery duty, set up policies and guidelines, and coordinate that. People volunteer to make homemade goodies for the hospitality table week after week after week.
Indeed we are
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: Waiting
I've heard some murmuring of this issue recently and have experienced it myself, so I thought I would address it in print today.
What do you do when you are not happy in the church where your husband pastors?
Been there, done that twice. When you figure that my husband has been a full-time vocational pastor in four different churches, that equals 50%. Those aren't good odds. For the record, I wasn't unhappy the whole time we were at either church. In fact there were some really wonderful times at both places. However, for a total of the 13 years he served in these two churches, three of the years were very challenging and, at times, downright miserable.
(For the record, for any former church members who may be reading this, one of the churches is obvious, the other not so much. I am leaving out some details to intentionally be a bit cryptic and not provide absolute identification. And...I'm not saying which is which.)
So at this one church we were plugging along, life was good, and out of the blue Robert was asked to interview for a position as a youth minister is a "hip, progressive church" in a Big City. This interview was totally unsolicited as we were content and not looking to leave. We had started to have the very slightest intuition of some things at our church, but nothing out of the ordinary that would cause us to leave. However, Robert decided to test the waters and he interviewed. Everything went well and they invited him back for the second interview with me and the kids in tow. They paid for all of us to go to Big City and we spent the weekend doing the couple interviews and the "we're checking out how well behaved your kids are and are also secretly making judgments about your parenting skills" interview. The boys were well taken care of and had a great time. We were wined and dined (well, not wined...it was a Baptist church, after all) and enjoyed getting to know everyone on the search committee. We loved everything about the people and the church. Plus...they were offering Robert big bucks. More than double his current salary and a salary pretty much unheard of for a youth minister in those days. The funny thing is the night of the big couple interview when everything had gone SO well---we liked them and they liked us--we got in the car to drive back to the hotel and we looked at each other and simultaneously said, "No." To this date, it remains one of the most obvious that-was-God-talking moments of our life together. Everything was perfect on paper and in experience, but for some reason, in our guts, we both felt that it wasn't the right time or place.
Fast forward a few months. Church members are starting to come to Robert with complaints about the senior pastor. This puts a youth minister is a very tricky position. He was diplomatic and always had the senior pastor's back. However, he was starting to sense truth in some of the complaints, mostly related to lying. Over time he was having trouble serving underneath the authority of someone he didn't respect and couldn't trust. Of course, Robert couldn't share this with anyone in church or any friend in the community. It was our horrible secret.
We prayed, Robert started having some significant stomach problems and weight loss from the stress of working with this man, and we were both frustrated and angry. I hated sitting in the pew every Sunday looking at this man preach, knowing full well other details which made me hold no esteem for him. The thought that he was preaching the Word of God and living such a double life repulsed me. I hated going to church. We started praying about leaving. Robert had a good reputation throughout the state as a youth minister and could have had any number of new positions. However, God told us to be patient, wait, and stay. STAY!??! In these conditions? Yes. The answer was clear.
During this time God taught me that even though the messenger may be living a life of sin, His Word never returns void. Every Sunday I would tune out the pastor's words and focus on the scripture and prayer. God taught me a whole lot while I sat in that pew. There was a big positive change in me. We waited it out for a whole year, before we felt that it was okay to move on. It felt so incredible to be free from that burden! I, being vindicative at heart, wanted Robert to out this man to the church after we left. That wouldn't have been productive though. Robert did confront him. He ultimately was "found out" for other issues and was forced out.
The other experience was at a church that split. Splits are never pleasant and this was no exception. However, we both knew again that we weren't supposed to leave. The church service dwindled to a third of what it had been and our youth group of over a hundred kids was down to the high teens and twenties. It was a time of feeling defeated and broken down. The joy was gone. However, Jesus never said He wanted us to be happy. The Bible doesn't guarantee a life of ease. In fact, Jesus told us quite the opposite.
We were ready, willing, and able to leave. We wanted to move on. God said, "Wait on me." Ugh! As uncomfortable and frustrating as it can be at times, there really is no better place than in the center of God's will. So we waited...for two years. During those two years more staff left. Robert was covering work of others who had left. The work at church was disheartening because the numbers were down so much and the wind was knocked out of everyone's sails, staff and church members alike. Rumors were running rampant and there was no joy in Mudville. Robert had promised the youth that he wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't even consider looking until a new senior pastor was found. Almost two years later and still pastorless, we both felt released to start looking at other options. Godcidentally, a new SP was hired about two months before we left. God's timing is perfect. Every time.
Personal lessons I learned:
*Happiness is dependent on circumstances. Joy is dependent on a relationship with Jesus. Joy is where I want to be.
*It's much easier to hang onto Jesus when He's all you have.
*God's timing is frustrating and nonsensical from where we are sitting sometimes, but it is always perfect.
*There are great lessons to be learned about oneself and the character and nature of God during times of trial.
*There are few things more heartbreaking than to watch your husband be defeated and broken and be helpless to do anything about it.
*I learned to be content (not happy) during very bad times.
*God really does speak. We just have to be listening.
What do you do when you are not happy in the church where your husband pastors?
Been there, done that twice. When you figure that my husband has been a full-time vocational pastor in four different churches, that equals 50%. Those aren't good odds. For the record, I wasn't unhappy the whole time we were at either church. In fact there were some really wonderful times at both places. However, for a total of the 13 years he served in these two churches, three of the years were very challenging and, at times, downright miserable.
(For the record, for any former church members who may be reading this, one of the churches is obvious, the other not so much. I am leaving out some details to intentionally be a bit cryptic and not provide absolute identification. And...I'm not saying which is which.)
So at this one church we were plugging along, life was good, and out of the blue Robert was asked to interview for a position as a youth minister is a "hip, progressive church" in a Big City. This interview was totally unsolicited as we were content and not looking to leave. We had started to have the very slightest intuition of some things at our church, but nothing out of the ordinary that would cause us to leave. However, Robert decided to test the waters and he interviewed. Everything went well and they invited him back for the second interview with me and the kids in tow. They paid for all of us to go to Big City and we spent the weekend doing the couple interviews and the "we're checking out how well behaved your kids are and are also secretly making judgments about your parenting skills" interview. The boys were well taken care of and had a great time. We were wined and dined (well, not wined...it was a Baptist church, after all) and enjoyed getting to know everyone on the search committee. We loved everything about the people and the church. Plus...they were offering Robert big bucks. More than double his current salary and a salary pretty much unheard of for a youth minister in those days. The funny thing is the night of the big couple interview when everything had gone SO well---we liked them and they liked us--we got in the car to drive back to the hotel and we looked at each other and simultaneously said, "No." To this date, it remains one of the most obvious that-was-God-talking moments of our life together. Everything was perfect on paper and in experience, but for some reason, in our guts, we both felt that it wasn't the right time or place.
Fast forward a few months. Church members are starting to come to Robert with complaints about the senior pastor. This puts a youth minister is a very tricky position. He was diplomatic and always had the senior pastor's back. However, he was starting to sense truth in some of the complaints, mostly related to lying. Over time he was having trouble serving underneath the authority of someone he didn't respect and couldn't trust. Of course, Robert couldn't share this with anyone in church or any friend in the community. It was our horrible secret.
We prayed, Robert started having some significant stomach problems and weight loss from the stress of working with this man, and we were both frustrated and angry. I hated sitting in the pew every Sunday looking at this man preach, knowing full well other details which made me hold no esteem for him. The thought that he was preaching the Word of God and living such a double life repulsed me. I hated going to church. We started praying about leaving. Robert had a good reputation throughout the state as a youth minister and could have had any number of new positions. However, God told us to be patient, wait, and stay. STAY!??! In these conditions? Yes. The answer was clear.
During this time God taught me that even though the messenger may be living a life of sin, His Word never returns void. Every Sunday I would tune out the pastor's words and focus on the scripture and prayer. God taught me a whole lot while I sat in that pew. There was a big positive change in me. We waited it out for a whole year, before we felt that it was okay to move on. It felt so incredible to be free from that burden! I, being vindicative at heart, wanted Robert to out this man to the church after we left. That wouldn't have been productive though. Robert did confront him. He ultimately was "found out" for other issues and was forced out.
The other experience was at a church that split. Splits are never pleasant and this was no exception. However, we both knew again that we weren't supposed to leave. The church service dwindled to a third of what it had been and our youth group of over a hundred kids was down to the high teens and twenties. It was a time of feeling defeated and broken down. The joy was gone. However, Jesus never said He wanted us to be happy. The Bible doesn't guarantee a life of ease. In fact, Jesus told us quite the opposite.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
We were ready, willing, and able to leave. We wanted to move on. God said, "Wait on me." Ugh! As uncomfortable and frustrating as it can be at times, there really is no better place than in the center of God's will. So we waited...for two years. During those two years more staff left. Robert was covering work of others who had left. The work at church was disheartening because the numbers were down so much and the wind was knocked out of everyone's sails, staff and church members alike. Rumors were running rampant and there was no joy in Mudville. Robert had promised the youth that he wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't even consider looking until a new senior pastor was found. Almost two years later and still pastorless, we both felt released to start looking at other options. Godcidentally, a new SP was hired about two months before we left. God's timing is perfect. Every time.
Personal lessons I learned:
*Happiness is dependent on circumstances. Joy is dependent on a relationship with Jesus. Joy is where I want to be.
*It's much easier to hang onto Jesus when He's all you have.
*God's timing is frustrating and nonsensical from where we are sitting sometimes, but it is always perfect.
*There are great lessons to be learned about oneself and the character and nature of God during times of trial.
*There are few things more heartbreaking than to watch your husband be defeated and broken and be helpless to do anything about it.
*I learned to be content (not happy) during very bad times.
*God really does speak. We just have to be listening.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: Friendship 102-My Rusty Halo
I started talking about friendships of pastors' wives in this post. Pastors and their wives frequently report a lack of friends as one of their top stressors. However, many well-intentioned articles, books, and seminars will vigorously assert that pastors and their wives can't and shouldn't have friends among their church members. Here's one such article from Focus on the Family. One quote from this article is:
There are many reasons given for why PWs should not have friends in church. I'll try to hit them all over subsequent posts. However, in this post I will focus on a very reason that I have heard from many a PW. It is this:
There are many, many thinks wrong with this vein of thinking in my opinion. First of all, the last time I checked, Jesus Christ was the only sinless perfect human to walk the earth. We all have struggles. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Is it really startling and shocking to let someone else see the chink in our armor? To find out that, alas, we are all merely human? Personally I find it therapeutic to find out that someone has the same struggles, insecurities, and "favorite" sins as me. C.S. Lewis says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Also, we are biblically commanded to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2). If we don't share them with anyone else, how can they help bear them?
I have a great example of this to share and one of my most profound moments of being ministered to by a church member. At one church where my husband was a youth minister I was going through a very difficult time personally. The details aren't important and are way too personal to share and the issues have long since been resolved. However, I was in a long dark night-time of the soul kind of place. I received one piece of information that pushed me even deeper into the abyss. I was bawling my head off and then I went for a long drive. I got home and was still sobbing uncontrollably. I asked my husband if he would call Nancy for me and ask if I could go to her house and talk to her. I need to explain to convey how bizarre this request was. Nancy and I weren't particularly close. She was an older church member, probably about 10 years older or so than my parents. I knew her casually and we had been a Ladies Bible Study together. She lived on the street behind me in a huge restored Victorian mansion. I had never been to her house, I just knew where she lived. However, I knew that she had lived through a similar experience as to what I was going through because of something she shared in Bible study. I knew I needed to talk to her. My husband had to make the call because I was crying so uncontrollably that I couldn't talk.
It was almost 10:00 on a weeknight. Horrible timing! And as I subsequently found out, she was packing to head out of town the next day AND her husband's company (he owned a large factory in town) was in turmoil because the workers had gone on strike that day. This was not a good time for her. She didn't tell me any of that. I found out after the fact. She urged me to come on over. I got to her house and was a mess of ugly crying--splotchy face, swollen eyes, runny nose, dry sobs. She met me at the door and I burst into fresh tears while she just hugged me and held on. I'm sure her shirt was covered with my snot and tears. After I regained a little composure I talked and talked and she listened. She gave me some advice, told me some of her story, but mostly she listened...and prayed with me. I left and several days later received a bouquet of flowers with a very special card indicating that she "got" me. She understood the place I was in and the emotions I was feeling. That was honestly one of the most significant experiences of my life. She saw the ugly core of me and raw, naked emotion and she loved me anyway. I got to share my burden (and it really did take so much weight off my shoulders) and she had an opportunity to minister to me. Isn't that what "church" is about? Pastors are supposed to be equipping the church members to do the work of the church. She did! Win-Win. If I had been too proud to convey my need and my pain to her, she would have never had the opportunity to care for me and I never would have been blessed by her ministry to me. She lost no "respect" for me in the process. In fact, we did become friends and later took a roadtrip across the state together.
I think when we share our struggles together that we can hold one another accountable, pray for each other, and encourage one another. Instead of trying to lift ourselves up and appear perfect to the rest of the world, we should adopt the attitude of persecuter-turned-renegade-missionary, Paul. In I Timothy 1 Paul says
Paul was eager to share his story and his life with those he ministered to. I don't think that any of us should dwell in some cesspool of poor choices and low self-esteem, but sharing our struggles with sin and our victories as well seems pretty biblical. In Hebrews 10 we are urged to continue to meet together to encourage one another. Inside that part of the function of the bride of Christ? In one church that my husband served in as youth minister we had a senior pastor who openly admitted his addiction to internet pornography and the steps he had taken and accountability measures he had in place. This just made me respect him more. We know that pornography is one of the biggest temptations and sins among men period, but also among pastors. There is some solidarity and comfort in knowing that you aren't the only person sitting in the pew (or behind the pulpit) dealing with the issue, I would imagine. We (in ministry) always want church members to feel comfortable, to be able to open up and share themselves, to be vulnerable, etc. and then when are shocked when they attend our church, but go to another church for counseling. Why do they do this? Because they don't want their pastor to know that their marriage is one the rocks or that their teenager is on drugs. Maybe if the pastor and his wife made the first step to be vulnerable, not as some gimmick and show, but in real, personal, genuine friendships, then the culture of the church would change.
All in know is that I have repeatedly broken this rule about no friends in church. I've done it again and again and again. Have I been hurt? Yes, but opening your heart to someone else always comes with the risk of being hurt. But...no risk, no reward. And the good far outweighs the bad.
More myth-busting later...
Search for friends outside your church. Other ministers' wives in your community, parents of your children's peers or women who share similar activities (i.e., craft classes, local fitness center) may offer great friendship, as well as an environment for non-church related conversation and fun. Friends you make here will not face the obstacle of knowing you as their pastor's wife.
There are many reasons given for why PWs should not have friends in church. I'll try to hit them all over subsequent posts. However, in this post I will focus on a very reason that I have heard from many a PW. It is this:
I can't have friends among church members because if they knew my struggles they wouldn't be able to respect me and look up to my leadership and that of my husband. (This are also usually the same people who insist on being called "Pastor/Reverend/Brother" and "Mrs." rather than first names).
There are many, many thinks wrong with this vein of thinking in my opinion. First of all, the last time I checked, Jesus Christ was the only sinless perfect human to walk the earth. We all have struggles. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Is it really startling and shocking to let someone else see the chink in our armor? To find out that, alas, we are all merely human? Personally I find it therapeutic to find out that someone has the same struggles, insecurities, and "favorite" sins as me. C.S. Lewis says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Also, we are biblically commanded to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2). If we don't share them with anyone else, how can they help bear them?
I have a great example of this to share and one of my most profound moments of being ministered to by a church member. At one church where my husband was a youth minister I was going through a very difficult time personally. The details aren't important and are way too personal to share and the issues have long since been resolved. However, I was in a long dark night-time of the soul kind of place. I received one piece of information that pushed me even deeper into the abyss. I was bawling my head off and then I went for a long drive. I got home and was still sobbing uncontrollably. I asked my husband if he would call Nancy for me and ask if I could go to her house and talk to her. I need to explain to convey how bizarre this request was. Nancy and I weren't particularly close. She was an older church member, probably about 10 years older or so than my parents. I knew her casually and we had been a Ladies Bible Study together. She lived on the street behind me in a huge restored Victorian mansion. I had never been to her house, I just knew where she lived. However, I knew that she had lived through a similar experience as to what I was going through because of something she shared in Bible study. I knew I needed to talk to her. My husband had to make the call because I was crying so uncontrollably that I couldn't talk.
It was almost 10:00 on a weeknight. Horrible timing! And as I subsequently found out, she was packing to head out of town the next day AND her husband's company (he owned a large factory in town) was in turmoil because the workers had gone on strike that day. This was not a good time for her. She didn't tell me any of that. I found out after the fact. She urged me to come on over. I got to her house and was a mess of ugly crying--splotchy face, swollen eyes, runny nose, dry sobs. She met me at the door and I burst into fresh tears while she just hugged me and held on. I'm sure her shirt was covered with my snot and tears. After I regained a little composure I talked and talked and she listened. She gave me some advice, told me some of her story, but mostly she listened...and prayed with me. I left and several days later received a bouquet of flowers with a very special card indicating that she "got" me. She understood the place I was in and the emotions I was feeling. That was honestly one of the most significant experiences of my life. She saw the ugly core of me and raw, naked emotion and she loved me anyway. I got to share my burden (and it really did take so much weight off my shoulders) and she had an opportunity to minister to me. Isn't that what "church" is about? Pastors are supposed to be equipping the church members to do the work of the church. She did! Win-Win. If I had been too proud to convey my need and my pain to her, she would have never had the opportunity to care for me and I never would have been blessed by her ministry to me. She lost no "respect" for me in the process. In fact, we did become friends and later took a roadtrip across the state together.
I think when we share our struggles together that we can hold one another accountable, pray for each other, and encourage one another. Instead of trying to lift ourselves up and appear perfect to the rest of the world, we should adopt the attitude of persecuter-turned-renegade-missionary, Paul. In I Timothy 1 Paul says
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.
Paul was eager to share his story and his life with those he ministered to. I don't think that any of us should dwell in some cesspool of poor choices and low self-esteem, but sharing our struggles with sin and our victories as well seems pretty biblical. In Hebrews 10 we are urged to continue to meet together to encourage one another. Inside that part of the function of the bride of Christ? In one church that my husband served in as youth minister we had a senior pastor who openly admitted his addiction to internet pornography and the steps he had taken and accountability measures he had in place. This just made me respect him more. We know that pornography is one of the biggest temptations and sins among men period, but also among pastors. There is some solidarity and comfort in knowing that you aren't the only person sitting in the pew (or behind the pulpit) dealing with the issue, I would imagine. We (in ministry) always want church members to feel comfortable, to be able to open up and share themselves, to be vulnerable, etc. and then when are shocked when they attend our church, but go to another church for counseling. Why do they do this? Because they don't want their pastor to know that their marriage is one the rocks or that their teenager is on drugs. Maybe if the pastor and his wife made the first step to be vulnerable, not as some gimmick and show, but in real, personal, genuine friendships, then the culture of the church would change.
All in know is that I have repeatedly broken this rule about no friends in church. I've done it again and again and again. Have I been hurt? Yes, but opening your heart to someone else always comes with the risk of being hurt. But...no risk, no reward. And the good far outweighs the bad.
More myth-busting later...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Secret Lives of Pastors' Wives: Friendship 101-Silver and Gold
Carol, Bart, Yoshi-Bart's guide dog, Robert, and me
This is a picture of us with our dear friends, Bart and Carol Pierce. We broke an unwritten ministry rule when we became friends with them. At the time of our initial befriending...hang on, it's pretty scandalous...dare I admit the taboo? Okay, *deep breath*, my husband was a youth minister, their son was in the youth group, and they were mere church members. *GASP!*
I can't tell you how many times I have had other pastors' wives tell me that I should never make friends among the congregation of our church. Thankfully I have never heeded this silly, outdated, and frankly, un-scriptural, advice. I'm a renegade that way. The reasons that some PWs are taught (sometimes in seminary, sometimes by other PW mentors) not to befriend church members (CMs) are many. Here are some of the most common:
*CMs won't look up to you and respect you if they really know you (e.g., if they know that I yell at my kids, question God, miss a quiet time with God, argue with my husband, eat a pint of ice cream by myself, don't dust often, have Twisted Sister on my iPod--good running music, etc.)
*CMs will hurt me. They'll be friends at first, but if I really open myself up to them they will use it against me and I'll be hurt in the process
*CMs are out to get me and my husband. They just want to be friends because they want to get the dirt on us and then have control over us.
*CMs are users. They want to get to know us so they can use us to improve their position in the church and/or say "Look at me! I'm friends with the pastor."
*CMs can't be really good friends, because they can't relate to the stresses and demands of ministry. Best to find someone who can understand.
Isn't that horrible, negative, and depressing? If I can't be friends with CMs, then who can I be friends with? The pre-approved friends list for PWs includes other PWs, friends who live out of town, and maybe some community members. However, the general community must be handled carefully because those people might be friends with some of my CMs and then there could be a sharing of information. Not only do I believe this is hogwash, but I also believe that this is a lie straight from the pit of hell. Satan likes nothing more than the cause division among a group of believers. However, I believe that God smiles when the people in His church truly love one another and share their lives with each other. Generally, most of my best and dearest friends have been regular ol' church members in the churches we have served.
So back to Bart and Carol. There are those handful of friends who will always be among the best and dearest. Bart and Carol are among that select group. I remember learning as a Girl Scout/Brownie a song that we sang in a round: "Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver and the others, gold." The Pierces are gold. Pure gold friends. Friendship has been tested now by distance, through disability, and through differing viewpoints of some political and theological issues. However, we have all seen each other when we just wake up in the morning, when we are crying, and when we get the late-night silly giggles. We have weathered some hard storms together. We have seen each others snap at our spouses and lose our cool with our kids. Bart and Carol have not only seen our dirty laundry, both figuratively and literally, but they know all of the skeletons in our closets and I'm pretty sure we know at least most of theirs.
Here's the thing though. To me it's not weird at all that we were friends with church members. They unusual thing about our friendship to me is our age difference...and that's the beautiful thing too. Isn't it bizarre and wonderful the people that God sees fit to place in our lives and knit our souls together with? Our first experience with the Pierces was actually through their son, Matt. We were living in Missouri at the time and they moved to Missouri from Kansas. Robert and I were 27 years old, this was Robert's first full-time position, and he was the youth minister at our church. I was a stay-at-home mom, Adam was a toddler, and Noah was not yet a twinkle in his father's eye. Matt was in my 10th grade Sunday school (what a fun class that was!--and the first time I realized that I wasn't scared of teenagers) and became involved in the youth group. Sarah was only in 6th grade at the time, so she didn't get involved in the youth group until the next year. Bart and Carol started out helping with the youth and that's how we initially got to know them. We had fun with them and really liked them, but they were parents of youth and we were just young pups with a baby and (thought we) had nothing in common with them. We did end up at their house a fair amount because they had an awesome finished basement and hosted a lot of youth events there...or Matt and Sarah just had parties with their friends and invited us too. Then, because neither of us had family in town, we started getting together on Christmas night and having a birthday party for Jesus. By this time, we all realized that we all just enjoyed spending time together and it was no longer taboo for us to simply go out to dinner on a double date sans kids and just have a good time. Here's the kicker though...Bart and Carol are just a very few years younger than our parents.
This is something we don't often discuss because it doesn't matter in the slightest. However, initially, it was very odd to me. I remember going off to college and making friends who were my sister's age. She had always seemed so much older than me because she is 5.5 years older. That was a huge difference when I was a 6th grader and she was a senior, but not so much of a difference by college. However, Bart does have a child from a first marriage who is our age. He and Carol married later and had children a little later than many and their kids keep them young. I don't even ever think about the difference in our ages anymore, but it was strange when they met our parents because they are closer in age to them than to us. However, having friends at a whole different place in life than us has been such a rich and rewarding experience. I taught their daughter Sarah how to drive and when they were here it was bizarre for them to see Adam driving now. Their kids are 30 and 26. Ours are 16 and 13.
Carol and I have been roomies at many conferences over the years and Bart and Robert have gone fishing and also backpacked through Colorado together. We have spent holidays together, including a Christmas when they came down to Baton Rouge. Carol and I used to have slumber parties and she was the person who helped me do the final cleaning when we moved out of our house in Missouri to move to Louisiana. They were defenders of Robert's youth ministry, they were supporters in the church, and they have been friends through it all. Robert has seen Bart and Carol a couple of times over the past few years when he has met them in Chicago to see some of Matt's productions. However, I haven't seen them in probably 3-4 years. I keep up with generally where they are and what they are doing either through their kids on Facebook or Robert talks to Bart occasionally on the phone. I hate to talk on the phone and Carol isn't a big fan either, so we go long stretches without talking to each other. However, they were just here for a week and we picked up where we left off. There was nothing weird or awkward about our time together. We just jumped in and got straight to the hard, vulnerable, emotional subjects and heard one anothers' hearts. We laughed a lot. Matt came up for a couple of days and we got to spend some great quality time with him too. We spent the night at the house they were renting twice, had them over for meals twice and went out to eat. Carol and I took a couple of long walks together and Bart and Robert did a lot of fishing. They got to attend our new church plant. Bart got to share with my counseling class at the university about losing his sight. We just got to hang out and be. Some of the best times were in the morning at their rented lake house with everyone in jammies and bedhair, drinking coffee, and talking.
So being friends with church members? Absolutely! More on why I think that it's not only okay, but is actually advisable in a later post.
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