The Day My Blog Blew Up: A Follow-Up

 

Pull up a chair and get yourself comfy, my few and loyal blog readers. This one's gonna be long-winded, which is why I have put off writing it for months and months. It's also fueled by some significant emotion. I don't feel angry or sad or embarrassed. Mostly I feel a bit resigned, a bit disheartened, and a bit frustrated.

You see, it all started with this little blog post about Beth Moore. That one post has been by far my most popular blog post ever on this blog. Currently it is at 1300 views total and has been viewed over 10 times in the past hour, here 14 months after I first published it. When I pressed the "publish blog" button I did so with a deep sigh and braced myself for the flack that would follow. I was not...umm...err...dissappointed? As you can see from the screenshot above, there are over 61 comments that are still "awaiting moderation." That means that I haven't approved these comments, both positive and negative ones. I did approve many comments--ones that trashed me and ones that were supportive. However, after the comments kept coming and coming and coming, I decided that I would no longer accept any more comments period--good, bad, or otherwise and I posted a final comment to that effect. However, just this past week I have received two lovely emails in response. I do appreciate those.

As I am writing now, with full knowledge that I am long-winded and have a lot ot say about this topic (which is why I have put this blog post off for so long), I think I will break this up into 2 separate posts. The "thesis" of this post will be to share some of the positive and negative comments, some approved and some not, and rebut them. Tomorrow or later this weekend, I'll delve into the more philosophical and spiritual issues at play, including judgment, hypocrisy, criticism, argument, and grace.

For starters, here's a comment that kind of sums up the firestorm:

WOW Pam, bless your heart, did you ever imagine when you were writing that post that so many would be the first to throw a stone.

Yes. Yes, I did. And that makes me kinda sad...that my instinct came to pass. That I anticipated that Christians would respond in judgment and hatred. I heard the term "Christian cannibal" today for the first time and it's unfortunately pretty darn accurate.

The Good

I'll start with excerpts from some of the more positive, or at least thoughtful, comments:

I stumbled across your blog and just had to read it because I have been a BM fan for a long time and now not so much. I haven't completely given up her studies, but I just find that I'm looking for something different sometimes as I'm growing spiritually. There's nothing wrong with Beth if that's what you like. She is long-winded sometimes when I just want a concise statement. I don't always complete the homework, but I do try to at least read it. I have found that I identify with some pastors better than others even though they are all preaching truth. Some preach with more depth, some with humor, some with other things and in different seasons of my life, different things appeal to me. Different strokes for different folks. Nothing wrong with expressing your opinion and quite frankly, no one's opinion is going to stop me from listening to someone I like. I just try to say the person doesn't appeal to me at this time so I won't get some of the comments you received. :-)

Overall, a balanced and kind comment, but how sad that she feels she can't truly state her opinion because she's afraid of the backlash.

You have to do what you feel is best! Don't feel badly about it-everyone loves Beth Moore! I would not worry about it so much-by terming it "breaking up"-but I get the point. I must say that the following she encourages borders on the "cult-like"...it's madness to be so attached to Beth! It is my opinion that it borders on being co-dependent. Jesus is who we need to fight for, to depend on and to attach ourselves to. I am sure Beth would agree. : )

I agree, that the attachment is often to Beth and that she herself wouldn't want that. I think this person makes some perceptive and valid comments about the cult-like, codependent issues that surround Beth Moore--that she hasn't created and I am sure, doesn't condone.

I came across this blog because lately I've begun to wonder if women are following Jesus or Beth Moore. Every time I turn around, I hear "Beth Moore" Bible Study. Yes, she may be a wonderful speaker; but this is about Jesus....not Beth Moore. I think the Christian community has made her an idol. Enough said. God gave us his word, let just see what he has to say.

Different version, same sentiment

I am saddened by the comments to Pam's personal blog. This is exactly why we need Pastors Wives Conferences. Obviously, pastors wives are still being held to a standard of perfection (which we are not) and aren't allowed to have opinions about anything. Pam simply wrote from her heart and then gets slandered for speaking what she has been struggling with. Women-before you seek to pass judgements on an issue that one woman has with a particular Bible study, ask yourself if you passed judgement or openly voiced your opinion on the men who set off the bombs at the Boston marathon, or a particular political party, or the person on the side of the street asking for money. We all do it, even I am guilty. We should be supportive, offer suggestions, and ask how we can pray for each other, not be a stumbling block.

I really appreciated this comment. Unfortunately, this poor soul had several other people ream her out for her support of me in reply comments, which I intentionally did not approve because they were so hateful and mean-spirited. I especially liked that she stated that since I am a PW that apparently can't have or express an opinion. She said that because many of the comments were to the effect of "I would expect more of you because you're a PW for crying out loud!" More on that in the next post.

Pam, It's good that you broke up with BM. Your reasoning should have been more along the lines of her lack of theology and improper exegesis of scripture. See http://carm.org/beth-moore

I also received several comments about Beth's lack of theology, taking passages out of context, and interpreting scripture through a historically inaccurate lens. Some people also commented on some of her spiritual practices such lectio divinia, which I personally have no problem with, but I can see why some evangelicals do. It's not a huge deal to me one way or the other though.

The Bad

If Beth Moore's studies and presentation do not appeal to you, just move on. Why do you feel the need to blog about your distaste for her style? It's really disappointing to hear a pastor's wife talking unkindly about someone else in ministry, especially in a public forum. You come across as petty and jealous. Instead of writing this blog maybe you could have spent time praying for all those who minister to women in this country and around the world.

Instead of writing this comment, maybe you could spend time praying for my petty and jealous soul? Yes, I am fully aware that I am responding with snarkiness. Seriously, this commenter is doing exactly what she is accusing me of doing, except with more direct, harsh, and negative words.

Well I love Beth Moore I have had a life like hers and get over yourselves .She has saved more people then you have so before anyone else says something clean up your own back yard before you cast your stones.

First off, this woman doesn't know anything about me. She is making some big assumptions about how many people I have "saved." Secondly, I haven't saved anyone. Neither has Beth Moore. God does the saving. True, He uses people in the process, but the theology in this comment is very incorrect. Also, the statement "I love Beth Moore and I have had a life like hers" is not a fact or an argument. It is an opinion.

"Love one another..." So what, Beth Moore is different than many of us? Let's be pro-active in lifting each other up instead of mimicking today's television shows and worldly attitudes that only tear down other people and point out their flaws. Maybe some pastors wife's should get out there and teach and give sound advice and better leadership examples as well instead of sitting home whining and criticizing those who do!!

I love how anonymous people have so many good opinions about better ways that I can live my life. Sidenote: when someone chooses to be anonymous, then his/her opinion ceases to be valid. You have to stand behind your argument.

Your opinion of Beth Moore is just that....your opinion. There is no need for you to spew your nasty venom and try to cast a negative light on her ministry. You of all people being a Pastors wife should welcome any one who is pointing the way to a stronger relationship with Jesus, not trying to put her down just because she has a southern accent! Beth is helping so so many women and I am sure men as well and what are you doing.....writting a blog about the homework, oh my gosh, how horribe! I am glad I came across this so I can at least say my peace about your hurtful words about a wonderful christian sister in Christ. Maybe you should use your time more wisely and be encouraging and uplifting instead oh tearing down the people God has annointed to do His will. I certainly hope and pray you don't discourage anyone from seeking God through Beths bible studies because of your shallow comments. She is a precious child of God and she has helped me and inspired me to seek God and trust.

Obviously this person misunderstood some of my blog. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't putting down Beth's southern accent, since I have a southern accent too. Again, I have a complete stranger telling me how I could be more wisely using my time. And aren't we all "anointed" to do God's will? I don't think that Beth Moore is more called than you or me. Finally, the whole bit about discouraging anyone from seek God through Beth's Bible studies...I just don't even know how to respond to that. That makes me so sad. Not that the person posted that, but that her view of God is such that she apparently thinks that God is so limited that if someone doesn't do a Beth Moore Bible study, she might miss God along the way. Again, the theology throughout this comment is broken.

The Ugly

Pam Terrel,we are all entitled to opinions, that is true. I heard about your personal blog through my mother-in-law, after I told her about Beth Moore. Mind you, my mother-in-law is someone who is struggling to have a meaningful relationship with Jesus, who has been through several abuses in her life and REALLY needs Jesus. I had told her that I've been going to a BM Bible study and I'm learning a lot, that she might want to join me. She was excited about what I told her and said she was coming with me. She decides to google Beth Moore and she stumbles upon your blog. Then she looks at me and says: "This pastor's wife is breaking up with Beth Moore because she's futile and only cares about superficial things. Beth Moore was in Africa and all she could think about was her curler, for God's sake! And if this lady is a pastor's wife, she knows what she is talking about." No need to say she didn't come with me today. Someone here defended you saying that we all expect a pastor wife to be perfect, but I don't think it's about perfection. I believe that a pastor and his family are role models, specially to non-believers. The Bible says "we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses" and I guarantee that when you wrote this article you'd never imagine that you'd push a woman in New Jersey further from God. And I don't know how many others. You are, indeed, entitled to break up with Beth Moore. You are, indeed, entitled to disagree with her. Women in Wisconsin are entitled to not agree with her. Beth Moore will NOT please and cover the needs of all women's on earth. For those women she is not able to help, God will send another vessel. And He'll keep working in His church.

Again, wow! Some of these women are giving me way too much credit and influence if they think my one little blog post, consisting of my one little opinion (that Beth Moore isn't very relevant to the Upper Midwest mindset) can actually push people further from God. God is so much bigger than me and my opinions. Instead I fear that the Christian cannibalism in the comments did more harm than my one simple blog post. But...more on that later.

P.S., Several people mentioned that they were mad that my blog post was one of the first that popped up when they did a Google search on "Beth Moore." As if I had any control of that...The funny thing is that the more they clicked on it and commented, the more they drove it up in Google analytics :-)

Oh! And I will accept and moderate comments on this post. Comments don't have to be positive for me to approve them, so feel free to disagree. However, they must be thoughtful and respectful.

 

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Being Southern Baptist Up North

 

This past Thursday evening through Saturday morning, we attended our first Minnesota-Wisconsin Baptist Convention Pastors and Wives Retreat. Because I usually teach on Fridays, we have never been able to attend this annual event. However, due to a change in my schedule this year, we were finally able to go. The focus is on marriage and we think it is definitely good idea to go to a marriage retreat for a "tune up" every few years. Not only was it a marriage retreat, but also an opportunity to meet and network with other Southern Baptist pastoral couples serving in MN and WI. What an awesome experience it was!

 

First off, the retreat portion was good. The leaders for the weekend were a couple who teach via sketches and drama. It could have easily veered into cheesy territory, but it didn't. The sketches went from humorous to insightful and it was obvious that they really understood the unique stesses that church and ministry place on a marriage. After the sketches, there were topics for small group and table discussion. While we didn't necessarily learn anything new, we were reminded about what we do know and the things that we sometimes get to busy with. We were encouraged to think about how we communicate with each other and how powerful our words are. They can so easily build up or tear down. We were also reminded about how little interruptions can sneak in and how the domesticity of marriage can slowly overtake the friendship and love parts. And we took time to write out how our spouses bless us, something that can be improved, and spent time praying for each other. Those are all such important things they sometimes fall to the wayside in the busyness of life.

We also met a lot of really great couples. However, in talking with the other pastoral couples, I realized that there are some big differences about being a Southern Baptist up North versus one in the Bible Belt.

Previously, Robert had pastored churches only in the Bible Belt in Alabama, Texas, Missouri, and Louisiana, so this is a whole different ball game. The Upper Midwest is considered "frontier territory" for evangelical churches. Here are a few key differences:

• Most of the churches are small, less than 100 members/regular attenders. I don't know the exact numbers, but I suspect that the greatest majority of churches are about 50-75 on a typical Sunday. Not very many SBC mega-churches here. In fact, a mega-church would probably be in the 200-300 range.
• Because of the above fact, all but two pastors that I talked with were bivocational. Most of them worked full-time in addition to being the full-time lead pastor of their church.
• Not only that, but every single wife I talked to also worked, typically full-time as well. This is a huge contrast to SBC wives in the Bible Belt. And we were the rarity in that we only have two kids. Most couples have 4+ children, plus both parents working full-time, plus full-time pastoring. You can see how that can be uber-stressful.
• The amount of diversity amazed me. Such events down south would be mostly white folks, with a few African-Americans. I would guess that a full 1/3 of the 90-100 attendees were international--from China, Russia, Ukraine, Korea, Laos, Liberia, as well as other Latino, Asian, Eastern European, and African countries. They are planting international churches mostly in the Twin Cities, Madison, and Milwaukee areas.
• In addition to the international population, another 1/3 of the pastors are from the south. The accents were scattered around the room and I kept trying to peg where each person was originally from. A lot more Southerners have come up, but don't embrace the winters and don't last. There tends to be a high turnover. My thoughts? If God calls you, He equips you, but that's probably a different post for another day.
• Because of the limited finances of most pastoral couples in the frozen tundra and the limited resources from the MWBC, we depend on the graciousness of a partnership with Texas Baptists who funded the entire weekend, from the speakers to the lodging and the food. Thanks, Texas Baptists!

Because of the fact that we are in a largely unchurched and/or non-evangelical area, churches are small and often not even self-supporting for years. While our church is now self-supporting, it certainly can't pay Robert a living wage yet. We have to rely on my full-time salary and Robert's additional part-time job to make ends meet. So this is where we have renewed appreciation for the North American Mission Board and the Annie Armstrong offering. Almost every church, and certainly every church plant (which we were!), have been the beneficiary of financial support through NAMB.

 

 

Also, through the Texas WMU (Women's Missionary Union) all of the wives were given an awesome special gift through WorldCrafts. Here's my necklace made by a Muslim sheepherder in India. So beautiful and much cherished!

We had a wonderful weekend of renewing our marriage and spending some quality time alone together. It was also fun to meet lots of people who know, live, and understand the unique joys and stresses of church planting and pastoring in a frontier territory. And for those of you who read this and are Southern Baptists, thank you so much for supporting all the wonderful things that are happening in Minnesota and Wisconsin through your prayers, tithes, and offerings. I can assure that this fine group of folks is doing great things here for God's glory.

 

 

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Where's the Book for Me?

I got a very lovely surprise in the mail today from the North American Mission Board (NAMB). It contained a Visa card for $100, a drawstring backpack, and a book. I am very appreciative for the gifts, but even more grateful from the denominational organization that sent them. While I don't think there is any one perfect denomination and I certainly don't agree with Southern Baptist "customs" on some issues (e.g., role of women in the church, drinking alcohol), I do think that there are things that the Southern Baptist Convetntion (SBC) does with great excellence. These are the things that make me proud to be Southern Baptist. The way that the SBC equps, trains, and supports missionaries, ministers, and church planters through the NAMB and the International Mission Board is one of these many things. I might discuss that in more detail on a later post.

While I am thankful for the gifts I received today and I know that I am prayed for by people I have never even met, I flipped through the book and thought about how it pretty much doesn't apply to me, as a church planter's wife, at all. In fact, as I reflected on the "popular" Christian mommy-bloggers and speakers of the current time, I realized that they don't write books for me either. I'm talking about the Jen Hatmakers, Rachel Held-Evans, and Ann Voskamps. While I am often challenged, encouraged, inspired, frustrated, and even made to laugh or cry by their writing, they are all women who spend their time either a) in their homes being PWs, bloggers, writers, homeschoolers, and/or chaffeurs to public schoolers or b) out on the occasional speaking circuit. There aren't me and they aren't really writing for women like me. I work full-time outside of the home (and like it!) AND am married to a church planter/pastor.

I did spend many years as a stay-at-home mommy, which evolved into a work-at-home mommy, then to work part-time outside the home mommy, to my current status of full-time work outside the home mom. I had not worked full-time since our first son was born in 1994 until we moved to Wisconsin to plant a church in 2007. It was quite frankly, a shock to my system to start working outside the home. It was exhausting and exhiliarating and overwhelming and fun and chaotic and frustrating and a huge learning curve. And the reason I was working full-time? So that my husband COULD become a church planter!

Just when we started feeling a pull to church planting and moving somewhere (anywhere) out of the Bible belt, we realized that I would be finishing my Ph.D. I had no grand, elaborate plans for after my doctorate--just figured I would continue with my part-time job as a speech-language pathologist. I had always wanted to try teaching college though, so God showed us that He could use church planting and my new educational credentials to pave the way. The whole story is here. Basically, we were able to move over 1000 miles away from family, friends, and a life that we knew to plant a church in a city where we knew no one without financial devastation because of the fact that I would be working full-time. During our intensive weeklong church planting interview process, we were told time and time again that Robert needed to be able to devote all of his time to researching the community, developing and nurturing relationships, and church planting logistics/planning. Since our kids were in school full-time, in the 5th and 8th grades, and Robert would have a very flexible schedule, we mutually agreed that I would work so that we wouldn't have to stress over the significant financial risks that come with church planting. We both love what we are doing and it works well for us.

Ah, but here's the rub! The Church Planting Wife book doesn't address me. It is written for SAHMs and full-time PWs. In the chapter, "The Church Planting Wife's Job Description," (which thankfully states that there isn't one and shouldn't be one), Christine Hoover writes:

...I must proactively structure and plan my days in order to fulfill my calling. I am a disciple first, so God gets my early mornings. I am a wife second, so I must protect and plan evenings, weekends, and special retreats for Kyle and me to connect and rest. I am a mom third, which means my children have my undivided attention duing their nonschool hours. Finally, I maintain certain time slots each week that I can meet with other women or prepare for ministry events,, as well as give some evenings to hospitality or community groups.

If her calling is to be a church planter's wife, then that's great. However, my calling is to be a wife to Robert the man, not Robert, the church planter. He is called to church planting. I am called to be his helpmate. And for us, at this time, that means working outside the home...which is my calling. My vocation, for which I am fortunate enough to be paid, is my calling, my ministry, along with my calling as a wife and mother . I have so many opportunities to extend the love and hope of Christ to colleagues, students, and clients just in my daily interactions. I don't hand out tracts to them and preach. I just try to interact, as best I can, with others as I think Jesus would.

While I would like to structure my days to fulfill my calling, the reality is that I too often don't spend time with Jesus in the morning or eat breakfast. Sometimes I have and ongoing mental Twitter conversation with God throughout the day and other times, I just manage to fall asleep praying in bed at night. I rush out the door, drop my son off at school, and work all day. I get home around 5ish most days and cook a meal from scratch 70% of the time. Other days, Robert or the boys cook, we eat leftovers, or we eat out. I sometimes skip small group on Wednesday because I have a community agency board meeting or am too behind in grading papers or writing a proposal. Since my marriage is a partnership, Robert and I both plan dates and time away--it is not my sole responsibility (although I do love playing travel agent). And my children usually get my divided attention as we run errands or prepare meals together. However, as I have discovered with teenage boys, busy hands create talkative mouths. They share much more when we are busy doing something. Oh! And I am way behind on reciprocal invitations for dinner ( we "owe" at least 4 couples), I am terrible about returning texts/calls on my cell, and I am not an event coordinator for our church. Is there a book out there that covers this? As my fellow full-time-working-to-support-a-church-planting-husband friend, Lea Ann said, "Maybe we should write one." Indeed.

So how do I support my husband in ministry? I pray for him, I listen to him vent, I create a safe place for him to be him. I also pick up college students for church each Sunday, I bake treat for the hospitality once a month, and I am starting nursery duty once a month. I don't do any more than any other church member. At the end of the day, I just want to make Jesus proud of me for how I have managed my home-life, my work-life and my relationships with others. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

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Communion on the Free Throw Line

Through the day and evening, most of my Facebook friends have been posting family photos of everyone in their Easter finery. All of the photos have either been taken outside amidst blooming flowers, at church in a traditional sanctuary, or in front of a cross covered with flowers at church. I haven't posted any family photos today. This is for several reasons.

1. We are minus a family member. Adam is away at college and it is our first Easter without him. I have missed him all day.
2. There is no Easter garb at our house. Our church, Tapestry Church, is very casual. We don't really dress up. In Wisconsin, it is really not very wise to buy spring-y clothes to wear on Easter anyway because the weather this time of year is so unpredictable. We still have about 4 feet of snow at the end of our driveway. Although we've had some good snow melt the last few days, with temperatures up into the upper 40s, we also had a 15-minute snow storm today and it was 34 degrees when I was driving home from church. My Easter attire consisted of a bright green sweater shell worn as a vest over a long sleeved white blouse with khakis and a spring-weight outerwear coat. Robert wore a yellow tie and sport coat with his jeans. Noah wore jeans and a T-shirt. Everyone else was in similar attire.
3. There are no blooming flowers as we are pretty much still covered in snow, as previously mentioned. Our yard is a wooded lot and we don't get a lot of sunlight so it is even slower to melt. On campus today I did see patches of grass and there are some sprouts of flowers coming up. Spring flowers will be here soon, but if we had taken photos outside we would have either been dripped on from the melting snow dripping from the eaves or we would have been standing in snow.
4. Our church meets in an elementary school gym. We don't have a backdrop of polished organ pipes. Instead we have "Jump Rope for Heart" banners along the walls. We don't have a cross decorated with flowers...or a cross at all. We have a projector and a screen which shows different graphics.

So that's why we have no family Easter picture.

 

However, as we remembered GUILT--GRACE--GRATITUDE tonight, I look around at the faces of young couples who have been married in our church (as in the bride of Christ, not the school gym) in the past couple of years. I sat next to woman who came to know Jesus through out church and now she teaches me so much about the wonder and excitement of new life in Christ. I watched my youngest son present and share the elements of the Lord's Supper with others. The bread that was broken tonight in remembrance of Jesus was baked from scratch by one of our members. And...

 

As I waited in line to receive the bread and juice I looked down and smiled. I was taking communion on the free throw line.

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I Suck as an Apologist: The Problem with Easy Faith

Faith is very easy for me. I don't know why this is and it is actually very ironic since I am a skeptic in most things. In issues related to science, education, technology, speech therapy, etc. my stance is usually "prove it to me." However, in matters of my Christian faith, the cheesy and over-used slogan "God said it, I believe it, and that settles it" rings pretty true. Even before I made a conscious decision to make Jesus the Lord of my life in sixth grade, I regularly prayed, read my Bible, and believed it with a childlike faith.

As I got older, faith was still easy for me. I wouldn't say I had blind faith. I do question things. At times, I have doubts about God. However, they are fleeting and usually pretty easily resolved for me. I don't understand the whole Bible. While I do believe that it is the holy, inerrant, and inspired word of God, there are some things in it that confuse me. As a general rule, I think the Bible proves the Bible and it is an incredibly consistent book, but there are some things occasionally that throw me for a loop, like Pilate's role in the sentencing of Jesus. For the most part though I get that the Old Testament is all about Jesus (foreshadowing, if you will) and that all of the law of the OT was done away with when Jesus entered the scene. Even though there are plenty of Christians who believe that some parts of the OT are parables, such as Eden and Noah's Ark, I actually believe quite literally in those. I can buy it. It works for me. And the parts I don't understand...I am comfortable with the mystery. God's ways are not man's ways and I am completely fine with knowing there are parts of my spiritual journey, the character and nature of God, and the content of the Bible that I don't and can't understand. To me that's what faith is. It is believing...anyway. Believing in spite of doubts.

Apologetics (Merriam-Webster) 

1: systematic argumentative discourse in defense (as of a doctrine)2: a branch of theology devoted to the defense of the divine origin and authority of Christianity 

So how does this fit into being a terrible apologist? It is hard for me to provide a good objective defense of or support for my faith because I just have it. I didn't have to wrestle intellectual doubts to arrive at the feet of Jesus. I just believed and came. I do understand how people can have doubts and want proof. Really, I can. In fact, I think my "easy faith" is an outlier, not the norm. But because faith comes easily (not cheaply) to me, I don't have any good theological, philosophical, or other types of defense or proof. I believe and I know. As a Christian with over 30 years of intimate experience with Jesus, much of my faith comes from the journey. I can tell you my story. I can tell you of times I have experienced the power of God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I can describe how Jesus has empowered me to do things that I am incapable of doing on my own. I can share miracles that I have seen or experienced--not parting water kinds of miracles, but more personal and intimate, never the less as powerful. Just like I can't prove to you my love for my husband, other than the outward evidence that we have been married 22+ years, but I can share the story and the journey. The same goes for my faith. Therefore, I am not a good apologist. But if you want to be an innocent, wide-eyed believer, I totally "get" you and I'll cheer you on. If you have doubts and want validation, I can be an empathetic listener and affirm your doubts (and remind you that it is okay to have them).  However, if you need proof, talk to Robert. He's got the degrees in it :-)

Right Now (How God Woke Me Up from a Nap)

Right now, talking to You seems like a chore.
It's more of an oughta
than a wanna.

"Pray for me!," she asks.
And I do.
I pray to a God she doesn't believe in...on her behalf.
It feels heavy, as if I have to have enough belief for the both of us.
I suspect she thinks of prayer in the same way that people bury saints upside in their yards to sell houses, or kiss a blarney stone for luck, and blow out birthday candles to make a wish.
A superstition. A good luck charm. A magic word.
And what does she really want me to pray?
That the elderly man will be healed of the cancer that riddles his body?
Probably.
However, he's lived a full life and he's likely tired of pitting the good cells against the bad ones.
Maybe he wants to be done.
Should I pray that she gets to say good-bye?
Or perhaps that she can grieve openly and well,,, surrounded by loved ones.
Or maybe, just maybe, this will be the first time she encounters You.
In her grief.
In the prayer that didn't work.

"Pray for me," he mentions.
And I mean to.
I really do.
But I forget.
Sometimes I can barely manage my own prayers and it seems too much to take on anyone else's.
But You want me to.
It's community. A bigger picture. A bearing of burdens.
So I tentatively put my head into the yoke, which still feels heavy, but You make light.
You always do.
You work best in paradox.

Servant leader.
Baby king.
God man.
Death into life.
Last, now first.
Suffering to joy.
Lions and lambs.

Then comes my prayer, but my lips are silent and my heart feels empty.
Seems I'm mumbling to the ceiling again.
WHERE ARE YOU??

With my head and with my heart I do KNOW that you are there.
Sometimes I need to feel it too.
But I know that feelings come and go, even though you remain.
Prayer is work sometimes.
And just like marriage, it doesn't rely on feelings...rather commitment.

Throughout the day I sometimes toss out Twitter-prayers
140 characters or less
"Hey God! Thanks for the snow on the trees. You're quite an artist."
"Help me be...patient, strong, organized, brave, compassionate."
"Why?"
"Be near."
It's constant contact throughout the day and that's something, right?
But You never re-tweet or favorite.

Then You remind me...you always do,
That prayer is a conversation.
Not a one-way list of demands or thanks.
You invite me to crawl into Your lap as You wrap Your maternal God-wings around me.
You tell me to whisper in Your ear.
To nestle in and hear the beat of Your heart.
To sense Your presence and Your love.
To stop the busy. Stop the demands.
Be still and listen.

You work best in paradox.
The created speaks to the Creator.
God knows and loves man.
You empower me to approach You with intimacy, but trembling and fear,
In awe of Your holy friendliness.

Amen.

Closer to God?

This week, a friend of mine caught up with me and said, "Can I ask you something?" Her tone let me know that she was going to ask me a personal question, so I prepared myself. As her eyes welled up with tears, she asked if Robert could pray for a particular situation. At first this caught me off guard because he is just an acquaintance of hers. I was a bit perplexed that she was requesting prayer from Robert and not me. However, as she continued to describe the situation, a lightbulb went off in my head. She then went on to state what I was thinking...She wanted Robert to pray because he had an "in" with God. I told her that we didn't agree that he was any closer to God than anyone else, but we would both be glad to pray for the situation.

On one hand, I was glad that this person, a non-practicing and non-church attending Catholic, felt comfortable approaching me about a personal and spiritual matter. However, it also made me very sad. It broke my heart to think that she thought that she couldn't directly approach God and that she needed a pastor to be an intermediary. As a Baptist, I (we) hold strongly to the concept of "priesthood of the believer." On the Southern Baptist Convention website states this, "We affirm the priesthood of all believers. Laypersons have the same right as ordained ministers to communicate with God, interpret Scripture, and minister in Christ's name."

So I will pray and Robert will pray, both with equal authority to do so before God. I wish she knew that she could do so too.