Nothing in Return

Robert and I were talking the other day about an organization on which he serves on the board of directors. It's called Touch Twice United (TTU) and it helps churches to provide significant outreach to the community by organizing a day of clinic that incorporates free medical care and dentistry, as well as things like haircuts, mechanic work, family photography, and clothing. All necessities and little normalizing "luxuries" that many families can't afford. Robert was telling me of a church who used to be pretty involved with TTU, but had recently severed their relationship.I couldn't imagine why since I knew that previous clinics at this church had been very successful and ministered to lots of people. Then he told me. The reason? The church couldn't do as much direct evangelizing as they wanted.

While on one hand I do understand that (evangelical churches naturally feel that evangelism is important...and I agree). On the other hand I think that simply meeting these physical and material needs IS evangelism.

Matthew 25: ³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne.³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I  was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ (emphasis mine)

Meeting needs of clothing, healthcare, hygiene, and transportation for "the least of these" is important ministry first and foremost, but it is also a type of evangelism because it involves sharing the love of Christ. Maybe not in words, but in actions. The importance of these actions, that result from an inner life of faith and love to Christ, are mentioned throughout the New Testament, e.g., love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31), evidence of discipleship is love for one another (John 13:35). And while I am a big fan of verbal evangelism as well, I am very much opposed to much of the Christian "bait and switch" that goes on in many churches. You know the big, free community event that is advertised as a community cook-out or a free clothing drive, then when people come they are given a Jesus hard-sell and pressured to come to Christ. All they were coming for was a hamburger or new-to-them school clothes for their kids and now they feel confused, embarrassed, and beholden...as well as duped.

There is a time and place for tough conversations and discussions of personal faith issues in a evangelical faith community certainly. I personally believe that relational evangelism with friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family is the place for those discussions as I am not a big fan of "cold call" or street evangelism for many reasons that I won't go into here. However, I think we also sometimes minimize the work of the Holy Spirit through simple acts of kindness and love to others. Just helping someone get a painful cavity filled for free is a huge ministry and I think Jesus is very much glorified by that. Looking a homeless man in the eye and saying his name without judgment as you serve him a meal is loving Jesus. Sometimes that is enough. For now.

I was reminded of these things this weekend. We have a Spanish and ESL teacher, Natalie, in our church who worked with a lot of children of migrant workers in summer school. She started talking with Robert about these kids and a group from church ended up taking a group and teaching them how to play disc golf. Through our association we have access to a block party trailer that contains bouncy castles, a popcorn machine, a snow cone machine, and other goodies. We decided to get that and host a block party for the migrant worker families.

Migrant workers in the US are certainly among "the least of these" according to the general population. Many migrant workers live below the poverty level, but because of the transient nature of their work, they are often ineligible to take advantage of programs to help those in poverty like food stamps, welfare, and Medicaid, even though they pay taxes and social security. Although approximately 77% of migrant workers are Mexican born, they are here legally, but remain the subject of racial profiling, prejudice, and suspicion. You can read more about them here, here, and here. Due to the impetus of Natalie our church set on a mission to celebrate and esteem them so we threw them a party.

We had a good group of kids of all ages, but mostly teenagers, attend. I was kind of surprised and a bit disappointed that none of their parents came until I found out why...they were all at work. Migrant workers often work 7 days a week and don't have a lot of workers' rights like 8 hour days, weekends off, or workman's compensation for injury. While I talked with a lot of different kids, I spent the most time talking to Frank/Francisco, a charming and well-spoken 14-year-old 8th grader whose favorite subject is math. He told me how they all live in south Texas near the Mexico border from December-June and then return to Wisconsin every June so the parents can work at farms and the local Del Monte plant down the road from my house. He has his Texas school and his Wisconsin school and the two schools coordinate his education. He is two grade levels ahead in math and the schools are collaborating to keep him caught up with each other. He has two sets of friends: Texas friends and Wisconsin friends, in addition to the cousins, siblings, and friends who migrant between the two. He has been a migrant kid since he was two years old and it's the only life he's ever known.

So we had a party. These people aren't prospects for our church because they live in a Wisconsin community 15 miles away from our church 6 months of the year and the other 6 months they are in Texas. Unlike VBS or big church community events, we didn't have them fill out contact cards so we can count them in any numbers or encourage them to attend our church. We just simply spent time with them, fed them, ate with them, played with them, talked with them, and had a good time. 

Nothing in return.

I'm pretty confident that Jesus was there in our midst and that He had a good time too.

Are Democrats Welcome at Church?

A couple of nights ago I signed off of Facebook until after the election. I love Facebook, so it wasn't an impulse decision. Facebook keeps me connected to friends from high school and college, extended family members, former neighbors, missionaries, and former clients, students, and youth ministry kids, as well as former church members and co-workers. We have lived in 5 states and traveled quite a bit, so FB keeps those friends and family scattered all over the world as close as my iPad. I love knowing the dailyness of people's lives, as well as the milestone events and occasions.

So, why am I taking a leave of absence from Facebook? Politics! I am so tired of the insensitive comments, cartoons, and links plastering my newsfeed. I have blocked and hidden some people who routinely post inflammatory and hurtful things, but it's not enough to keep the vitriol from creeping in on a daily basis. I'm sick of it! The biggest problem is the vicious things being posted are causing me to think ill of people I love and care about. I don't want my impressions of people to be tarnished because of their lack for forethought in posting something that they probably aren't thinking much or at all about how it affects other people, so I need to walk away. I find myself thinking not-so-nice thoughts about people I really like because I think what they posted was cruel, ignorant, or intolerant...even though I know that they themselves are loving and giving people.

This behavior is occurring on both sides of the political spectrum, with conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats. I don't want to give the impression that it's just Republicans at all because it's not. Democrats praise MSNBC, Rachel Maddow, the Democratic National Convention, and bash FOX news, the Republican National Convention, and all things Romney and Ryan. It is just the opposite with Republicans. There is a very obvious line in the sand. Quite frankly, as a southern transplant living up north it appears to me that the Civil War is still being fought. As the RNC was in session my southern friends were so inspired and motivated while most of my northern friends were mocking Romney and the parade of speakers, as well as Ryan's marathon time. The opposite happened this week with my northern friends praising speeches by Clinton and Deval Patrick, while my southern friends proclaimed they were nauseated by the proceedings and questioned how much money Michelle Obama's wardrobe costs. However, in this post I am singling out Republicans. Why? Because conservative Republicans compose the "religious right", the tea party, and let's be honest, the membership of almost all evangelical Christian churches, especially in the south. And even more particularly, WHITE evangelical churches.

All of this political posturing and ranting on Facebook (and yes, I shamefully admit that I have been guilty of it as well, although more in the past than recently) got me thinking...

Are Democrats even welcome at church?

One of my evangelical Christian friends posted this in the last couple of weeks

What if I was a Democrat neighbor of this person? Let's pretend we have a friendly neighbor relationship. We talk while doing yard work. Maybe we check each other's mail when we are out of town. Perhaps we've grilled out and eaten together once on Labor Day. I see this on my neighbor's Facebook page and then he invites me to church. This seemingly innocuous little captioned picture basically says that liberals aren't worth even existing. Basically, we could all get along fine if all liberals were dead. And you think I would want to go to your church? That one little posting has the potential to destroy a relationship.Other Christians I know, many of them in vocational ministry, have posted "jokes" about watching Obama drowning, as well as derogatory posts about Democrats as a whole.

Or some evangelical Republican Christians welcome liberal Democrats to their churches because they "know" that Democrats are lost, backslidden heathens. After all, Jesus even said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17), so Democrats make up a great mission field. However, this may come as quite a shock, but being a Democrat and being a evangelical Christian are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of liberal Democrats who love Jesus too. This causes the religious right to say, "Well, how can they love Jesus and not vote Republican? Democrats are FOR abortion. God hates abortion." As a moderate, I am pro-life, so I ask "How can Republicans be for capital punishment?" Since I'm somewhere muddling in the middle I "get" the questions that Republicans ask of Democrats and vice versa. I think we have to remember that while our faith has to (or should) influence our political opinions and voting record, there is not one "right" candidate. I haven't seen a dove descend from heaven and land on anyone in the political realm. Jesus did not live a sinless life as God incarnate to die a horrific death for political dogma. He did it because He unconditionally loves each of us. That includes Romney, Obama, Bush (both of them), Clinton (both of them), and yes...even political figures like bin Laden, Hitler, and Castro.

Here's very well written post by Eileen Newsome, who I am proud to say is a member of our church. A couple of things you should know about Eileen, aside from the fact that she is witty, gregarious, and loves Jesus. She is working on her master's degree in social work, she has worked for years at a crisis pregnancy center and she lives a life of service to others. She wrote:

It’s possible that you don’t know this about me – but I am incredibly passionate about abortion, euthanasia, and the surrounding issues. I work in the right-to-life movement in the summer putting on leadership camps which inspire many youth to get involved and be a part of the change we wish to see. We stress teaching them to think critically and debate effectively. Something we teach campers is to always ask the opponent – what if you’re wrong? I firmly believe in the importance of being asked this question. Recently, I read an article solely saying that we cannot truly believe something unless we’ve allowed the possibility to come into our minds that said belief is wrong.  

So in the midst of political uproar, I ponder the legitimacy of being an incredibly pro-life, future social worker, and voting republican. Ooo, what a sentence. 

Last night, I spent about three hours reading in one of my social welfare policy books and hearing all the craziness of the “religious right” … especially in regards to the tireless efforts to take away everyone’s reproductive rights, of course. So first, I find myself fuming at the textbook first for misrepresenting me. Then second, I find myself fuming with this textbook when I am reminded that it’s liberals who care about feeding the poor, educating children, taking in the homeless, and treating the ill.  While I do not find it to necessarily be the government’s responsibility to do any of the above, I have a little message for the religious right – Jesus said train up a child, feed the poor, house the homeless, care for the sick. And we. are freaking. not. Thus, the crisis calling for bleeding hearts to advocate that the government do these things. It’d be very nice if religious, republican voters would all take care of the poor, the children, the ill, the homeless, and we wouldn’t have this problem of whether or not that’s even the government’s role. But we do have this problem. This topic could be an entirely different post itself, but point being: please never wonder if I don’t consider these things or care about these things. I am just outraged as you are that “the top 1/10 of households account for more than 50% of all income” (Netting). 

So I question. I ask myself, am I wrong, the way I’m voting? Are the people who care about these issues right, about my issue? Are they right, about the right-to-life? What if I am wrong? What are the implications? Well, let’s say my vote decides the election. I vote for the R’s and social welfare policy takes hit. The poor remain poor. The hungry remain hungry. The ill may die. That’s not very pro-life.

Oh...she's also only 22 years old...and this eloquent. If only we could all be so humble, so thoughtful, and so willing to learn from each other. Eileen is so much wiser than most people twice her age.

As always, this post is getting very long.. The crux of the message is this:

• Is the temporary glee we get from making flippant remarks about "the other party" worth it? 
• Is announcing religious right agendas from the pulpit isolating the democrats and moderates in your congregation? 
• Does every evangelical Christian adhere to your exact political ideology and if not, can you consider that maybe they are right, you are wrong, and/or that it's okay to disagree and we can still be in love with the same Jesus? 
• If a liberal Democrat attended your church would he/she feel welcome or as the presidential election heats up, will he/she hear snide Obama jokes around coffee before Sunday school?

We should embrace our freedom in this country: our freedom to vote and our freedom to openly discuss political opinions. However, we need to remember that not everyone currently IN our churches and certainly not everyone outside of our churches holds to the same political ideology. By assuming that others do...or assuming if they don't then they are wrong...we are at risk of making political agendas more important than Godly agendas. Love God. Love others. That's what Jesus told us to do.

P.S., This blog posts automatically to Facebook. If you comment on FB I will not see it, so if you want to comment, please do so directly on the blog, Thanks!

Adult Temper Tantrums and Missed Moments

My youngest son, Noah, and I just got back from a spring break adventure in which we traveled by train from Chicago to Washington, DC, to Orlando. Then we flew back to Chicago and drove home. The primary purpose of the trip was to visit family in Orlando, but since we had to go through Washington we decided to spend a little extra time there. The train experience was less than blissful. It was fun during the awake times, but miserable for sleeping. I am sure that if we had had a sleeper car it would have been grand, but they are very pricey. We're tough...we can take it. (At least that's what I thought.)

In DC we had spent the whole day sightseeing which translated into a lot of walking and a lot of standing. We were wiped as we boarded the train. As we were directed to our car the conductor asked how many and I told him two. He said that he was out of seats together, but he would give Noah and me two aisle seats across from each other. It's a bummer not to be seated together any time, but especially for an 18 hour train ride in which we were sharing snacks, cards, etc. No problem. I was seated next to an older guy who looked to be in his late 70s or early 80s. Actually, he was in MY aisle seat. I politely told him I was traveling with my son and asked if he would mind swapping to other aisle seat so that my son and I could sit together. In his heavy New York accent he proceeded to tell me no, that he wouldn't swap seats. At this point, I was incredulous. He continued on and told me that he had recently had hip surgery and he needed to sit in THIS particular aisle seat so he could stretch out his leg. I changed my tactic and informed, again politely, that actually the aisle seat was my seat. (Also, I knew that they had seats for people with disabilities and medical problems that would be better suited to him). He insisted that he was in the right seat. I looked back at Noah and shrugged, squeezed past the old guy, and sat in the seat by the window. Not gonna lie...I was ticked. I crossed my arms, set my jaw, turned my back to him, and stared out the window while seething. He kept talking. "I'm sorry ma'am, I've just had this hip surgery. Here, I'll show you" (and proceeded to hand me some doctor's business card as proof). I curtly told him, "That's fine. I believe you." I did, in fact believe him. I was just miffed that I didn't get my way. Basically, I was acting like a petulant two-year-old.

One would think I would have been compassionate in this scenario. After all, I work with people with disabilities. I have also had back surgery and know how rough prolonged recovery from major orthopedic surgery is...and I was half his age. That all didn't matter though because I was tired from the day and I didn't get my way. So I did what any other self-respecting woman would do. I sulked and pouted. I leaned back and closed my eyes, more to ignore him than to sleep. A guy came by passing out pillows. The gentleman next to me gently tapped me and asked if I wanted to pillow. I mumbled out a "no" and turned my back to him again. I'll refuse a pillow and my own comfort--that'll show him! What an idiot I was!

The conductor passed through the train and punched everyone's tickets. When he realized that Noah and I weren't together, he asked the old guy to swap seats. The man launched into his hip surgery story again. Then the conductor asked the pregnant woman next to Noah if she would move. She did. (I didn't ask her because I felt too defeated after being shot down by a "gentleman."). We swapped seats and I got situated in the window seat next to Noah, still feeling rather grumpy. I decided I needed to let it go and doggone-it if I didn't hear that small, still voice that can only be the Holy Spirit. (How do I know? It came out of nowhere and interrupted my personal agenda.) So what did the Spirit say to me (through the twinge of conscious, not an audible voice)? He told me to get out of my seat, go apologize to that man, and listen to his stories.

The irony of this is that I love a good story. I blogged about it at length on my other blog. I'm usually all about chatting up people in airplanes and the like. However, I didn't want to apologize to this man. That would mean admitting that I was wrong...to a stranger. I argued about it for a few minutes with Jesus. We had a heated debate in my head. He won, of course. In the meantime, this guy was talking and talking to the pregnant woman that he been moved next to him. He was telling her about his wife, where he was from, etc. He was talking and talking...just like I knew in my gut. He was lonely and needed someone to listen to him. Maybe even hear his surgery war story. As I was just summoning my courage to get up, apologize, and eat some crow, the conductor came back and moved him to a better seat with more leg room. My opportunity was blown. This time, I was remorseful that I didn't get to make amends and that I acted like a spoiled brat. Missed moments like this make me so thankful for grace...and forgiveness...and love.

So, Mr. Hip Surgery Guy on Amtrak from Washington to Orlando on Sunday, March 18, I'm sorry. I was a jerk. I'm sure you are a lovely person. I regret not treating you with more compassion and I would love to buy you a cup of coffee and listen to your stories. Please forgive me.
Signed,
A Work in Progress

Your Husband Does What?

It's often a conversation killer. I'm at some social gathering of acquaintances or thrust into a social milieu of some sort in which I know few people, if any. We are making small talk. It's the usual: What do you do?, Do you have children? How old are they? Where are you from? Are you married? What does you spouse do?

When I utter the words, "My husband is a pastor," there is a moment of silence, then a quick "oh really?" as a comment. Often I see the person scanning back through everything he or she said. I know what they are doing. They are trying to determine if they said something offensive, told an off-color joke, or uttered some sort of profanity. It happens about eight times out of ten, that someone begins to apologize to me for something that he/she said before it was known that my husband is a pastor. As if it should really make a difference. When the apologies start, my standard line is usually, "You know, I'm not the Holy Spirit."

While I am not a particular fan of vulgar jokes ( I sure was in 8th grade though!) or profanity, what I really hate is when people change who they are because of who I am married to. I am still the same person I was before you found out I was married to a pastor. I know it's shocking! After all, I am not wearing a jumper, I do wear make-up, and I am an educated, professional woman. I just blew your stereotype. And for the record, this pastor guy, with whom I share a house, a life, and a bed, is a pretty darn non-stereotypical human himself. He runs marathons, loves zombie movies, and one of his favorite songs of all times is Roxanne by The Police--about a prostitute. We're regular folk. He and I still have disagreements, we both get in bad moods,  we have forgotten to pay a bill or two on time. He leaves the toilet seat up and I leave my shoes lying around. We think ill of others sometimes and simply find some people annoying and disagreeable. So don't feel like you have to be perfect around us, because the Lord knows (really) that we certainly aren't. I would much rather have someone be genuine around me than to pretend to be someone they are not because they think it makes them look better. I'm not an idiot--I can usually see right through the veneer of perfection and pseudo-piety.

This past summer, I was with a group of fellow professors and we were all at the "still getting to know each other stage" when the inevitable came up. One thing I love about professors is that they generally don't bat an eye at such things and everyone just carried on as usual. That's beautiful. There was one though who said, "I'll bet you really know how to cook," to which I replied, "I like to think that I do, but I certainly don't know what that has to do with me being married to a pastor. I cook because I enjoy it and I do it for my family."

I just found out a couple of weeks ago that there were concerns about me starting my job at the university where I work. Many of our offices are in pods. We all have our own individual offices, but they may open into a separate outer office, hence the pod. So my "podmate" told me that he just found out that two of our other colleagues were worried about us sharing a pod. They were concerned that he would be too crass for me. We both had a good laugh about that because we make great podmates. We actually have very similar theoretical views on a lot of professional and academic issues and have presented together a few times at our national convention because of it. We talk shop frequently throughout the day and also discuss many, many non-work related issues as well. Ironically, he and my husband have developed a friendship because of their mutual interest in zombies, music, and fixing up cars. Yeah, he drops a few four-letter words here and there, but it doesn't really phase me and I am thankful that he doesn't edit himself to be something he's not.

Conversely, when I was working on my doctorate, one of my professors called me in to go over a paper I had written. After we talked about my paper, he started asking me why I was going to school part-time instead of full-time. I explained that I carried the health insurance for my family, so I needed to keep working my part-time job. He started going on and on about how my husband needed to "be a man" and work extra hard so that I could attend school full-time. He was ranting on and on and then took a breath to pause and ask what my husband did. When I told him that Robert was a youth minister (at that time), he flushed and stammered and began to say things like, "Oh, that is such a noble profession. He is doing such fine work. I totally understand why you are going to school part-time and it sounds like that is a good idea...." ad nauseum. He was backpedaling so hard it was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.

Moral of the story? It doesn't really matter what my husband's job is. You wouldn't act differently is he was a physician or plumber or librarian or chef, so don't act differently because he's a pastor. You are still you and I am still me. We need to be authentic with one another to form real relationships. And I'm not judging, nor do I have a super-special relationship with God that's different than what you or anyone else can have, if you choose to do so. Let's just be real...together.

Outlier

One of my PW friends posted a link to this blog post on Facebook the other day, titled "It's Not You...It's Ministry" by Rochelle Palmer, another pastor's wife. I read it and then thought that is didn't describe me or my experiences as a pastor's wife AT ALL. So, do I think this woman was not telling the truth? No. Do I think that her experiences are uncommon? No. From friendships and acquaintances (acquaintanceships?) with PWs all over the world, I think that what she wrote represents the norm.

So what does that mean for me?

I'm an outlier.


While there are a few different definitions for "outlier," I am going with the statistical one, which is: a statistical observation that is markedly different in value from the others of the sample.


Here's what I want to "talk" about. In her blog post, Rochelle wrote about speaking at a "Leading and Loving It" conference for pastors' wives. She shared and 139 stated this:

“My husband is held responsible for things over which he has no control. . . My husband takes criticism for his sermons and it gets personal…Someone in our church is gossiping about my children…People criticize every parenting decision I make…I am expected to listen to everyone else’s stories about their kids, but no one asks about mine…People in my church are interested in what I can do for them, but no one is interested in me…My husband seems to have increasing responsibilities but not an increasing salary…Sometimes I resent the church because my husband misses social and family gahterings (sic)because he has to tend to a family in our church…There is a woman at our church who dresses provocatively and flirts with my husband (That’s right, ladies, we see you.)…Sometimes I listen to my husband preach and I resent that he sounds so holy when I know his sin-side…I have trouble finding friends…Sometimes I wish we were not in ministry…I am so lonely…I feel like I am doing life alone.”

Now I'm sure that none of the PWs said ALL of that is true for them, but at least some or most of those statements. I'm going to deconstruct them one by one for me personally.

1, My husband is held responsible for things over which he has no control. . . My husband takes criticism for his sermons and it gets personal.


Have these happened? Absolutely! He has been held responsible for things that weren't in his job description, that he didn't know about, and that someone else was supposed to be doing. Why doesn't this get my hackles raised? Because it happens to every person in the world. I am a professor and I took a group of students to Brazil for a study abroad program two years ago. On the course evaluation form two students gave me negative marks for the weather. Being blamed or held responsible for things outside of a personal realm of control are a fact of life for being humans and living on earth. Just deal with it. 


As for getting criticized. Oh, that happens too. We had a family pull out of being a host home at the 11th hour because the title and theme of the DiscipleNOW was "Jesus is for Losers." (He is!). They didn't like it.  He got an anonymous irate letter because he used the word "fart" in front of teenagers. Some people delight in being petty. Some people have legitimate concerns and it opens the door for discussion of bigger, underlying issues. When you have a large group of people there are diverse opinions, ideologies, backgrounds, etc. so it is a simple fact of life that not everyone is going to agree 100% of the time. Reframe it as an opportunity for growth and personal reflection. I also have learned this truth...When my husband has been criticized, I usually take it much more personally than he does. Therefore, it's really my issue to deal with.


2. Someone in our church is gossiping about my children…People criticize every parenting decision I make…I am expected to listen to everyone else’s stories about their kids, but no one asks about mine.


To my knowledge, this has never happened. Now if people have gossiped, it was totally behind my back and I was oblivious. That news never made it back to me. While certainly not perfect, my children have been pretty well behaved and we have, as of this writing, not had to deal with any kinds of crisis issues. However, they are not grown yet 15 and 17 years old), so that realm of possibility remains. However, people have always asked about my two boys, commented on them, told me funny stories about things that they said or did in Sunday school, VBS, nursery, etc. If anything, esp. when they were very young, I felt like they were doted upon, given special gifts, had offers of free babysitting, etc.  No one has ever conveyed unrealistic expectation upon me as a mother or my children's behavior. I have always felt supported and nurtured in parenting at every church we have served.


3. People in my church are interested in what I can do for them, but no one is interested in me.


Again, nope. Since I have made an effort in general to get to know people and know about them, the favor is generally returned.  I really don't know what else to say about this one other than being involved with others usually returns full circle in my experience. If it doesn't, at some point then I think you have to tell the other party that your needs aren't being met/reciprocated if you truly want to develop a relationship with them.


4. My husband seems to have increasing responsibilities but not an increasing salary.


Yes, but this is the case for almost everyone else in the world (os at least the US) too. Again, in my job, my responsibilities (course load, research expectations, committee work, etc.) has increased and with statewide budget cuts, my salary has decreased by 10 %. That's life and it doesn't just happen to pastors. 


5. Sometimes I resent the church because my husband misses social and family gatherings because he has to tend to a family in our church.


If that's the case, then I think the husband has his priorities screwed up. This isn't the fault of vocational ministry. This is a problem with the pastor's thinking, Messiah-complex, workaholism, or something similar. My husband has always been clear that OUR family comes first. All of the churches at which we have served have been strong advocates of that as well. If a pastor's family is not a well loved and cared for priority, then there is no way he can be an effective minister. 


With that said, has ministry ever caused my husband to miss family and social gatherings? Yes, but very rarely and only in special circumstances. I remember once when he was a youth pastor in Louisiana we were with our families in Alabama for Thanksgiving. He got a call on Thanksgiving Day that a young woman (not a church member, although her MIL and FIL were) had been killed in a car wreck. Robert had baptized her, married her and her husband, and done some counseling with them. He was the clear choice for the funeral and he was needed to help this 20-something year old father deal with overwhelming grief at suddenly becoming a widower and single father in the blink of an eye. We got in the car and headed back to Louisiana two days earlier than we had planned, missing time with our families. However, that is a rare crisis example and I was in full support of going back. A smaller issue would not have shortened our holiday stay.


6. There is a woman at our church who dresses provocatively and flirts with my husband (That’s right, ladies, we see you.)


Oh, yes! This has happened. Usually my husband has been clueless until I tell him and then he'll suddenly realize. Fortunately there has been the provocative dress as much as the flirting. However, when I alert my husband that my female radar has gone off, he is very respectful of that and works on distancing himself from the woman in question or directing her to other people. He has always been good about not being alone with other women, always leaving his office door cracked or having a window open when he is counseling women, etc. This has been more challenging as a church planter because he doesn't have an office and I can't always be there to be the third party, so he does all of his meeting in public at the same place.


7. Sometimes I listen to my husband preach and I resent that he sounds so holy when I know his sin-side.


This has never happened to me. It happened with a senior pastor we served under and I knew that he was a liar and involved in pornography. I had bile rise into my throat when he preached and it was a supreme act of will to sit in a pew every Sunday and listen to him preach when I knew what was going on. However, while I know my husband's "sin-side" better than anyone, I know how he really is in his heart. Of course he sins, like everyone else. And he tracks snow and salt on the carpet because he didn't take off his boots, leaves popcorn bowls around, and is slow to put away his clean laundry. (For the sake of full disclosure, I am a bigger offender on being slow to put dishes in the dishwasher, keep my sewing stuff and projects strewn about the house, and am a reticent duster.)  But, he is a servant. He picks up the slack. He is an encourager. He is giving. He ministers to our sons and me all day, every day. He is the most compassionate, giving, and servant-minded person I know. He is always putting himself second and others first. That's what I know when he stands up to preach. Dirty socks kind of pale in comparison to that. And...I know that I'm no saint either. In fact, I'm the one who wrestles more with selfishness, judgment, and my big mouth.


8. I have trouble finding friends…Sometimes I wish we were not in ministry…I am so lonely…I feel like I am doing life alone.


I have posted previously on PW friendships here and here. For the most part, I think that PWs who have trouble finding friends are either: (1) not being friendly themselves, (2) not putting themselves "out there" and being vulnerable enough to develop a friendship, or (3) they have bought the lie that PWs shouldn't have friends in the church or can't ever have "real" friends because they can't fully open themselves up or no one else will ever understand the true experience of being a PW. I think it is not only possible, but a good thing to have friends in the church community. I also think it is a great thing to get into the community and have friendships there. Even during my SAHM years, I volunteered teaching ESL to Spanish speakers, volunteered in my oldest son's classroom, and took some courses (sewing, cake decorating) in the community. It takes effort, persistence, and putting yourself out there to develop friends. I would posit to a PW who feels like she is "doing life alone" that she bears  at least50% of that responsibility. With that said, sometimes it take a long time to develop true friends...even years. We lived in Missouri for 3 years before I felt I had true, soulmate kinds of friends. It is more difficult to make friends in a smaller town where everyone has grown up together, known each other since kindergarten, and knows each other's life histories. However, it is possible with patience, prayer, and lots of metaphorical door knocking. (And sometimes other transplants to the area will make the best friends).


This post is already long, but this explains my outlier status. I also feel like an outlier because we have never been fired from a ministry position and 97.2% of all of our ministry experiences have been positive. We have left on good terms, with parties, gifts, and tears. We have kept in touch with friends from every part of ministry. When I hear about PWs who have had some terrible times in ministry, sometimes I feel guilty that we have had such good experiences, but then I remember that guilt is from the enemy. So instead, I am thankful that I am an outlier. I don't know why it has happened that way, but I am blessed.

Same Kind of Same as Me?

The title is a play on words from the recent popular book, Same Kind of Different as Me. I must note that I haven't yet read the book, although the audiobook is currently sitting on the bench to my vanity in the bedroom. It's "on the list." At any rate, several people I know and respect have read the book and really liked it. It's the true story of a friendship between an upscale international art dealer and a former sharecropper, now homeless. They meet while the former is serving a meal to the latter in a soup kitchen. Sounds intriguing, no?

Today on Facebook one of my friends posted a link to a transcript from the show "Being" on public radio. This episode of the show was devoted to the topic of "restoring political civility."  The interviewee, Richard Mouw, is the president of Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. His premise on this show is that we need to get to know people who are different from us, spend time with them, and not lump them in the category of...well, "them." They are not them...they are us.

I recommend reading the whole transcript, but here are some key pearls in my opinion

Yeah, and you're getting a lot of today overtly anti-Muslim stuff. It's almost as if we've always got to have somebody that we feel legitimate about really hating. And that's, I think, intrinsic to the kind of fundamentalist Christianity, with conspiracy theories and antichrists and beasts and all the rest. So, you know, to all of a sudden start thinking about civility and not allowing yourself to get into that kind of thing has been a kind of a shift for me spiritually. 

Hebrew people in exile trying to figure out how in the world they're going to relate to a pagan culture. And then God says, seek their Shalom, seek their well-being, you know, even if you disagree radically with them. And then in the New Testament, the Apostle Peter says that we have to honor all human beings and have a regard for their well-being. I take those to be sort of different ways of getting at a very common Biblical theme. What does it mean for me to honor the Muslim, to honor the Mormon, to honor people of unbelief who are hostile toward Christianity? What does it mean to honor them? And then I think we need to work at the theology there, you know. How do we view other people?  

Yeah. You know, you're getting at something that I'm just really deeply disturbed about — that, for Christians who take the Bible seriously, it isn't that we have these convictions and then we also got to try to be civil, but the truth element of civility is itself one of the convictions. I mean, if our repertoire of convictions includes this, that God tells us we must not bear false witness against our neighbors, then how can we be so fast and easy and loose with telling the truth about others? Making these blanket statements about Muslims? I mean, you and I know Muslims who do not fit any of the stereotypical caricaturing kind of claims that are being used these days. And yet people think nothing of just saying, you know, the Qur'an is an evil book and anybody who's devoted to the Qur'an is just an evil person and we might as well just…

And then Mouw goes on to say...


I do think that Jesus is a model of civility, of convicted civility. I mean, you know, the murmuring against him that we read about in the Gospel accounts is that this is a person who associates with harlots and with corrupt tax collectors and, you know, other "sinners" in the culture. And yet it's very clear that Jesus did not approve of prostitution or of compliance with the economic practices of the Roman Empire, you know. So it is a clear case where Jesus reached out to people, but in none of that was he sacrificing convictions about what is right, what is good, what is true. And some of his harshest judgments were for people who were very condemnatory toward other people and not aware of their own sin, not aware of their own shortcomings, you know.


The discussion goes on to talk about how we need to know people to understand them and to personalize them. That is so true!! And I fear that as Mouw suggested, evangelical Christians either want to overtake the world and be in total control (i.e., the religious right and that agenda) or pull away and hide in holy huddles (e.g., family life centers, Christian-only homeschool co-ops, Christian schools, Christian fiction) and either refuse or be too fearful of people who think and act differently than we do.


This article got me thinking about how important it is that we have friends and/or spend time with those who are different from us. I think that not only having non-Christian friends, but friends who have different political ideologies, sexual orientations, belief systems, ethnic backgrounds, etc. is a particular pitfall for families in vocational ministry. Often times life revolves around church, especially if the wife doesn't work out of the home. If she has small children she may be involved in MOPS (a Christian organization), attend a Bible study, etc. for an outlet, but this still keeps one to the close Christian inner circle. I was a SAHM for many years as a a pastor's wife when my children were young and I did MOPS, Beth Moore Bible studies, women's ministry, VBS, etc. It would have been easy to stay in those familiar circles, but I didn't. I also volunteered at my son's public school and I taught ESL at the neighborhood literacy center. I learned that "those Mexicans" that church people talked disdainfully about were actually from El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala and weren't Mexican at all; just Spanish speaking. I learned that many had been raped at gunpoint in their home countries and came to the U.S. seeking refuge. They worked twelve hours a day doing manual labor for pennies and then sent most of it home to provide a better life for the children they left at home. So when people start talking about sending all of the illegals home and "if you're in our country, speak our language," even now I see the faces of Zoila and Noe who came twice a week to learn English after a 12 hour workday and with the academic skills of a 6th grader. I see them playfully pushing each other in line when I took them to get ice cream and said it was my treat, but they had to practice their English by ordering their own ice cream. When people talk about Muslims, I see my friend Azza and my colleague Ish. Azza was a Fulbright visiting professor teaching Arabic at the university where I teach. She attended our church briefly and made good friends among our community. We ate many meals together and she made us a native Egyptian dish to share. Ish is my colleague who drove for four of us faculty to attend a conference three hours away. On our return we saw a man getting beaten up by two other guys on the side of the road. Without a moment's hesitation he jumped out of the car, into the fray, and broke up the fight. Yes, and he's Muslim. I also have many Jewish friends...and new age friends...and agnostic friends...and even atheist friends.


One of our oldest and dearest family friends and former youth has come out as homosexual in the past few years. I have many gay and lesbian friends from high school and college and currently as colleagues. I have friends, not just acquaintances, who are Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Nicaraguan, Brazilian, and Peruvian. I know people of Polish, German, Czech, Norwegian, British, and Dutch descent. And the amazing thing...I have learned at the core that we have a lot of similarities. We all want to love and be loved. We all want the best for our children. We all have hopes and dreams and feelings and passions. I have also learned that we have some big differences---maybe religion, maybe values, maybe politics. We don't have to agree. And my being friends with people who have differing lifestyles and beliefs from me doesn't mean that I condone their way of thinking. Rather I want to be a model of convicted civility...like Jesus. I don't want to lump people into overused stereotypes or put them in boxes. And how can I love them if I don't know them? How can I extend grace if I am too scared to get close?

As I stated earlier, as PWs it is too easy to stay insulated. Even with my ESL teaching, I still was in a spiritual bubble of sorts. However, as I entered the workforce it was easier to be with different people because my coworkers and patients were different from me. I learned that "those people on Medicaid" weren't sorry, lazy bums, but often middle class parents who had been overwhelmed with medical debts due to a severely handicapped child. If a PW stays at home with her children, she obviously doesn't have the wider borders of the work environment, but she still has neighbors, community organizations, a grocery store, a library, etc. Join a book club, go to a play group, etc., but not a "Christian" one--just a *gasp* secular one. I already have plenty of white, middle class, Christian friends who are the same kind of same as me. However, I am very thankful for the lessons as I have learned from those who are so very different. And...I am thankful for God who created ALL of us in His own image and gave His Son for each and every one of us. My prayer is that I could continue to let my feeble little light shine and extend grace, love, and truth to all.

Coffee with C.S. Lewis

I haven't posted on this blog in forever. Not because I haven't had anything to say. I ALWAYS have something to say, much to my husband's dismay at times. However, it has just been a crazy busy summer. So crazy busy that my personal quiet time has taken a significant beating.

Oops! I just dispelled a myth. People who aren't pastors' wives think that we spend at least two hours a day praying and reading the Bible, in between doing good works, baking from scratch, making our own clothes, and just generally being holy. I regret to inform you, that at least for this PW, my house is a mess, we ate ice cream for supper (seriously!), and my Bible is covered in a film of dust...if I'm even sure where it is. I do chat with God periodically throughout the day, but of late it has been more surface chatter like I'd have with an acquaintance rather than a deep heart-to-heart with my Daddy. Time to change all of that and find my Jesus mojo again.

We've been cleaning out the basement and preparing for a garage sale. In doing so, my hubby had to go through hundreds of old ministry and theological books. He has finally released his grip on youth ministry books from the early 90s and pop culture Christian books a la Prayer of Jabez (although he never owned THAT book). However, among the good ones we are keeping are several good Bible study and devotional books that I put aside for myself to read. I'm starting with A Retreat with C.S. Lewis. It's a small book with a weeks' worth of daily readings by Mr. Lewis (for whom our youngest son is named) and related scripture. It's time to recreate the spiritual discipline of getting daily into Scripture with the added bonus of considering the illuminating ponderings of one of my favorite authors, who just so happens to be an incredible apologist.

Tomorrow morning you'll find me sipping coffee in my rocker chair and reading while chatting with Clive Staples Lewis as we enter the throne room. Looking forward to it!